 Friends         | No, I won't answer your Private Messages. Speak to me in the rooms if you wish to chat.  xX Tinkerbell Xx: This idiot really is just an asshole with just as much trauma as me. 🙄 He waited up for me to come home from work late last night, smoked a joint and watched a movie together... talked throughout the movie, in much calmer and compassionate tones. Resolved nothing. Went to bed. This morning we're getting ready to get out the door, him to work and me to the laundromat (to clean and separate our clothing) and he reached out and grabbed my arm, pulled me into his chest before I could tell him no... and held me there silently... and his chest started quivering... and his breathing got choppy... I have never seen this big, mean lookin man release one OUNCE of sadness in him. And he was crying. I tried to look up at him but he kissed the top of my head and prevented me from seeing, and he started actually apologizing, genuinely, for exactly what happened. It was the first time I've actually seen him take full responsibility for his words and actions. I fucking hate him. I hate that I can hate him, while still worrying about whether or not he's eaten, if he has clean clothes, if he has his smokes. I hate that I can be SO FUCKING ANGRY with him and still want to wipe tears and tell him it's going to be okay. I'm still beyond pissed, and the hurt has been done. I don't know how to proceed. I am usually capable of removing myself from unpleasantness before having to work through it (my toxic trait is I run instead of fixing it) so idk what's next. We still have a lot more talking to do... and I am still working hard to save funds to move out of his place. My heart can only do this so many times, and we're on round three already... Time doesn't heal everything... but time will certainly tell.  Sir Loin: A whole lotta forgiveness might be a good start. That doesn't mean staying with him, just forgiving him for your sake, not his  wickedevilsmile: It’s sad that it’s taken this much for him to change enough to express remorse for his action and show true responsibility for them. But he did. And he has just proven he can grow. So you have brought that much out of him. It’s a small start. You leaving does not mean it’s over unless you both want it to be. Decisions are never the best ones made when angry. What ever you do I hope you cool off and think things out. xX Tinkerbell Xx: He told me (after the last time) that if I left him again, he wouldn't let me come back. I told him (after the last time) that if he tried to throw me out again, I would let him. The difference between him and I? I meant it. xX Tinkerbell Xx: I broke up with him and started packing and getting a second job to afford a place of my own.... and suddenly my car is fixed, dinner is paid for and made, the tub has been scrubbed clean, the toilet seat is fixed and my potpot is full. But has he apologized? Has he done the one thing I actually asked? Has he asked me to stay? No, no, and no. This is how we know the difference between effort and love bombing. #stilldonewityourass xX Tinkerbell Xx: The Universe really be like: "Oh?... well, then. Lemme show you again, stupid." Fml x.x xX Tinkerbell Xx: SO frustrated I could cry! I woke up with crazy amounts of energy and was ready to get things done, go to work Doordashing and get laundry done in between orders.... And due to the winter storm we got last night Doordash has shut down operations in my area which is stupid because the roads are clear and it's piddled down to just rain and all the restaurants are open and serving, so I can't work, and I can't do laundry because I can't work for laundry money and the stupid laundromat switched to cards only and they preauth double the amount which is just $2 shy for a wash, and I had enough on my card for it all but I had no idea about the preauth extra and ofc, I paid all over bills and left laundry for last so now I have just enough to cover laundry until I can work again but I can't work until the app goes back online. So, I feel like I'm hitting walls left and right. I've stopped trying and just gone home to get stoned and scream into a pillow for a bit. That mercury retrograde is hittin hardddd this time round. x.x  Sliced Bread: Doing laundry in the bathtub is a splash! I dry it in the boiler room or with a dehumidifier; sometimes both. xX Tinkerbell Xx: I'm still processing this. He filled up my little stash jar like he does every morning and today he left a little love note in there. 🥺😭💞 Men take notes, it really is the small things. Never did I ever think a misspelled note scrawled on a rolling paper would make me cry and make my heart explode but here we are.  xX Tinkerbell Xx: Got my photo tent  I was so excited I just threw the closest thing in there  I present to you, my stash jar (It's mini, so I love it)   xX Tinkerbell Xx: My photo tent tracking number says it's in town and I think it might be delivered today!!! xX Tinkerbell Xx: It is so sweet and kind Chris surprised me by ordering the photo tent I have been eyeing and need to get started selling my starting merchandise online. Gotta have photos of the crystals to sell them! I have an old one but it's not in the best of shapes and it's parts are scattered throughout boxes in storage rn, this was one of the first things that was holding me back from diving into the work!! 💪💪💪 NOW! I can spend the next week or so photographing, inventorying and pricing my waressss lololol, I am so excited!! The next little task beyond just photographing is building the website and uploading all the items 😊😊😊 AND! I've got a meeting with a Business Advisor to help me iron out all the legal and give me a few pointers and support as I set up and start running my business ^.^ My first short term goal is to have the website filled out and running, maybe a couple sales already, and all my merch at the ready to be picked and packed into orders by the time I meet with my Business Advisor at the end of March 💪💪💪 I have soooo many state-specific questions, about wholesale licensure, about trademarking and copyright, about grants and programs I may qualify for, to help lift me into a storefront. Alllll I need is a large room to make sales in person and I'll be just fine. I make all my best sales through making connections with people in person, and truly hearing them and giving them the holistic support they actually need/want. (Also, I plan to use my wholesale advantage to plummet the prices on commonly held merch and scoop the entire industry in the area because they're greedy af and pricing themselves out of the market while simultaneously turning the meeting grounds of our community into money grubbing gimmick pits that creates animosity and ostracizes the less fortunate within the community which is the exact antithesis of unity and coexistence.) ((In other words, I'm going to make my prices more accessible and realistic and encourage community events and classes and invest in the people because when a business cares about their customers the customers care about the business, especially in small town Maine)) So, anybody wanna buy a rock!?!??! 🤪 xX Tinkerbell Xx: Saw this big blue bunny last night and haddddd to have him!! 🤩🥰🐇💙 Idk what to name him, has to be something that starts with a B but not Bruce x.x not keen on Ben either, any ideas?  xX Tinkerbell Xx: Today was a good day! I got my car back and got the oil changed AND I got all my plants moved from my old roommate's house to my current residence! Let the green thumb'd shenanigans ensue!!! ..... first, needa bag o dirt :3 YAY!!!  View all 5 posts Sir Loin: I've been using alpaca shit for fertiliser on my garden. There must be something in the alpacas diet or digestive system that's pure magic for plants. My fruit trees have been fruiting heavily after their first year. xX Tinkerbell Xx: More deets on the plants tomorrow. I'm not sure who will make it and who will be sacrificed to compost bucket yet. Chris and I went out tonight after work and got soil for repotting (though some were too unstable to repot tonight) and a huge jug of plant food. Absolutely drowneddd and did my best to break up the old, hydrophobic soil with plant food water, hoping those few will bounce back and be up for repotting soon. The Alocasia might not make it. The dropping is VERY dramatic  and I had to snip off a ton of crispy lower stalks that had whithered away. These tend to be super dramatic but comically rugged for all the fuss. I'm hoping it pulls through!My poor purple lady was demolished, dropping vines left and right. I ended up snipping and cutting what I could propagate, and turned it into two baby plants. They usually root from snippings fine and quick in damp soil. The biggest casualties of the entire ordeal was my poor English Ivy. Completely crispy on arrival. Ended up tossing it and just taking the pot lol And, unfortunately, my Pioneer Woman "Sweet Rose" flower pot that matches my beautiful cookware/kitchen theme shattered to bits. Don't ask me how, I'm embarrassed because I totally pulled an idiot move and broke it, just know that she has passed from this life, and served her plant holding purposes well over the years. RIP flowerpot. xX Tinkerbell Xx: Just a quick reminder for new friends and old! - I am on my cellphone 100% of the time I'm here and bouncing back and forth between PM and main rooms is a huge pain in the ass that I don't actually enjoy. - I am in a committed and loyal relationship in real life and I don't PM with men out of respect to my man. - It doesn't matter how hard you tempertantrum in my empty PM, I'm not going to answer you. - My profile does provide all of this information, so if you cannot be bothered to read my about section, or relationship status, you really have no business trying to be anyone's "friend" you vapid waste of space. Be a better human. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. (P.S. : for all you cunts about to whinge on about my PM settings - go fuck yourself ♡ - some special people here actually DO get to PM with me because they've proven themselves to be respectful and steadfast friends of the genuine kind. Shutting down PM shuts out my support networks. So, just save your breath.) View all 4 posts Sir Loin: Dunno if I've ever tried to pm you Tinks. If I have it's not to hit on you, I'm happily married and I don't cheat on my wife. I do, however think you're gorgeous but that's ok I won't hold it against you 🤣  Butterology in reply to xX Tinkerbell Xx: Then why Dave doesn’t respond to mine  tell me why Dave. Why Dave???? Why? xX Tinkerbell Xx added new images to her gallery Profile Pictures     6 New Pictures added to Profile Pictures xX Tinkerbell Xx: So, long story short, I'm still dealing with the financial aftermath of my previous relationship where my ex sucked me dry and drove me into debt while refusing to work a lick the entire two years we were together. Some of the aftermath manifested yesterday, in the form of the bank towing my car off. 😬🙄 the towie was a very small man, and he was absolutely terrified when my Beast answered the door. So, I got to clean my car out and collect my things before they towed it off. So, I'm stressed, anxious. This is my first bank car, and I've never dealt with this before, and I don't even know if it can be fixed. Anddd it happened on a Sunday so I couldn't do shit about it all day yesterday. I thought Chris would be mad at me, disappointed and angry... nope. He instantly went into caregiver mode, got me stoned (I'm a medical patient) so that my head wouldn't spin the wrong way. Then cuddled me and told me it would all be okay. He tucked me in for a nap and went to the store to pick up a few things, and I woke up to him setting down a tiny rose bush bursting with pretty red blooms on my bedside table. He started excitedly telling me about the yummy treats he got for us and the dinner he had planned too. I was totally overwhelmed and shocked. I'm not used to being cared for and supperrrrrr not used to being cuddled and spoiled when I "fail" or fuck up... but that's the PTSD talking. I took another small nap on the couch, while he was cooking dinner... door open with unseasonably warm, fresh air coming through the house, and soft, happy reggae music floating through the house... I realized that I've never felt this safe. Safeness like this, I only remember from summer time naps in my childhood, with mom in the background, doing chores and listening to Abba on the old cassette tape stereo. We ate the yummy dinner he made for us while watching Yellowstone on the couch together, and then he did terrible, nasty things to me, but I liked that part. 😏🤫 and we fell asleep early, cuddled up in bed with pretty mood lights sliding across the walls. This morning I am going to have to deal with this, and he knows imma be stressing and emotional but he has to work today and can't be here to support me... but he had a plan and I nearly started crying when I saw it. It's really the small things folks. He laid out coffee, two waters, preground weed and a pre roll, a chocolate bar, my favorite strawberry shortcake pastry roll, a pack of smokes and my glasses. 🥺🥺😭😭🥰💞🥰💞🥰 "To wake up, to calm down if you get mad on the phones, to help when you get sad after being mad, to rehydrate in case you cry after being sad, to deal with the stress... and to see your pretty flowers and remember I love you." *hands me my glasses* Not this man having my entire emotional cycle clocked. 😭💞 We don't always see eye to eye but there is no doubt in my mind that this man absolutely loves me. xX Tinkerbell Xx: "What's a cute little cupcake like you doing in a biggg bakery like this!?!?"🥰🥰🥰 "Looking for someone to eat me" 🥺👉👈 ..... 😳 View all 4 posts  xX Tinkerbell Xx in reply to wickedevilsmile: No, just sharing my morning conversation with the man lol 😂 xX Tinkerbell Xx: I'm an Auntie now! Yesterday, my brother (and obviously his wife) just had the first baby my family has seen since my little sister's birth! The next generation is hereee!!! I'm happy to introduce! My nephew! Wesley Edward! (Last name redacted) born 7:54am, 10.3lbs, 17 inches long, 13 inch head! It was a C-section for sure!!!  |
I feel soooo icky, I'm having savage stomach cramps that knock the wind out of me and it's coming out both ends.
Glad Chris and I are back on the same page, I'm greatly enjoying the back rubs every time I get back in bed in between bathroom runs and how he scoots over to keep my side warm while I'm away.
It's past midnight now and I'm hoping it all calms down so I can get some sleep, and stop disrupting his sleep. He's not complaining or anything but I can tell by the way he's breathing lightly instead of snoring and keeps waking up to listen for me, that he's not getting any solid sleep in tonight either.