Veah Offline

41 Male from Cleveland       21
         

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Hurting.

I wish that you felt we worth fighting for. How every moment and memory we made doesnt haunt you like it haunts me. Maybe it does but I know you wont ever admit that to me. This complete disconnect and indifference towards us and me is what I truly cant comprehend, like I hallucinated the entire thing.

I gave everything I had for that relationship and was an incredible partner to you, everything I did was for you. You were the epitome of perfect and exactly what I needed, the way you held my hand, how you kissed me, how you said I love you with no "too" at the end, putting sugar in your spaghetti sauce to how amazing our sex life was, the way you looked at me, to how when you got nervous you would say "soooo" and "i meeeaaaann", how you would thread your arm through mine and hold onto me with the other hand and just how incredibly beautiful of a woman you are.

I have never so vulnerably, completely, selflessly surrendered myself in the way I I did with you. I know that I failed you when it mattered the most and I dont know how to say that I am sorry enough for that. I fell apart over something I didn't know how to understand and you have to forgive me for that.

We both jumped into this head first because it felt so right, we were already in love with each other before we even said it, the only difference is that I was 100% committed to taking on everything about your life, no matter what that entailed, no matter what happened, good or bad and I just wish you would have told you me you were having doubts and that this was too much but you never said anything even when I literally asked you why it felt like you were pulling away.

I wish you would have let me be apart of your fear regarding your pregnancy even if that meant just letting me comfort you in whatever way that I could because I never gave you any reason not to trust me. Instead, you rejected and abandoned me. I made you so happy every day we were together and that was literally gone over night and you expect me to just get on with my life, to just let go as if you were any other girl that didn't matter.

I dont know if i could ever go near parma town again because of the time we spent there, I dont know if i can go back to shooters next summer and walk by where you picked me up so many nights, I sit on my porch and I stare at the spot you parked at when you would come over before class, how I cant walk down the street without seeing five fusions, three of which are white. I cant look at you without being consumed by nothing but guilt and regret, I think of the bracelet you'll never wear, I think of the future we'll never have.

I miss you so much Hannah, You were my entire world and I dont have that anymore, I am literally nothing without you. The worst part is knowing that you dont even give a shit and probably wont read any of this so you can call me selfish, you can say its always all about me but I'm not ok Hannah, like at all and the one person I wish I could talk to, that I wish could even be bothered to listen, who told me every day how much she loved me and how lucky she felt doesn't want anything to do with me. I mean less than nothing to you now.

If there was any moment you could have any sympathy or compassion for how fucking bad I'm hurting and that you could tell me you forgive me it would be right now. I never meant to disappoint you and I certainly never wanted to hurt you. You have to believe me, You have to believe how much I loved you and I never wanted you to feel like you had no choice to go through what you did.