I can't get back

I can't get back to where I was, but I can't seem to move forward.
I am stuck in this hell that has surrounded me and i see no way out.
So what am I to do? Mere existence is even a battle.
beliefs have become questionable, and yet I try my best to believe in positive.
I do my best to make people smile, even though I am not smiling on the inside.
In this life everyone wants to leave a mark... what will mine be?
I guess if I can make someone truly smile it will have to be enough.
People deserve happiness and not be stuck in a hell.
So if in a small way I help people move forward, my existence will have meaning
and my hell will be my own and spared from others.
Behind every cloud there is a silver lining... but it will still rain....
so always keep an umbrella handy

Reason, Season or Lifetime

People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

..

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty,

or to provide you with guidance and support,

to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

...

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

...

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.

Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

...

When people come into your life for a SEASON,

it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,

the season eventually ends.

...

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;

those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);

and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being part of my life.

Author Unknown

WHEN DID SHE REALLY GROW UP.

From Chicken Soup for the Soul: On being a parent.


EVERY NIGHT AFTER I TUCKED HER INTO BED, I SANG TO HER, A SILLY SONG, A
MADE-UP SONG, OUR SONG. "STAY LITTLE, STAY LITTLE, LITTLE LITTLE STAY;
LITTLE STAY LITTLE STAY LITTLE."

SHE WOULD GIGGLE AND I WOULD SMILE. THE NEXT MORNING I WOULD SAY: "LOOK AT
YOU. YOU GREW. THE SONG DIDN'T WORK."

I SANG THAT SONG FOR YEARS, AND EVERY TIME I FINISHED, SHE CROSSED HER
HEART AND PROMISED SHE WOULDN'T GROW ANY MORE.

THEN ONE NIGHT, I STOPPED SINGING IT. WHO KNOWS WHY. MAYBE HER DOOR WAS
CLOSED. MAYBE SHE WAS STUDYING. MAYBE SHE WAS ON THE PHONE TALKING TO
SOMEONE. OR MAYBE I REALIZED IT WAS TIME TO GIVE HER PERMISSION TO GROW.

IT SEEMS TO ME NOW THAT OUR SONG MUST HAVE HAD SOME MAGIC BECAUSE ALL THE
NIGHTS I SANG IT, SHE REMAINED A BABY....FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT,
NINE, TEN. THEY FELT THE SAME. THEY EVEN LOOKED THE SAME. SHE GOT TALLER
AND HER FEET GOT BIGGER AND SOME TEETH FELL OUT AND NEW ONES GREW IN, BUT
SHE STILL HAD TO BE REMINDED TO BRUSH THEM AND HER HAIR AND TO TAKE A
SHOWER EVERY NOW AND THEN.

SHE PLAYED WITH DOLLS AND PLAY-DOH. THOUGH CANDY LAND WAS ABANDONED FOR
MONOPOLY AND CLUE, ACROSS A TABLE, THERE SHE STILL WAS. FOR YEARS, SHE WAS
LIKE THOSE WOODEN DOLLS THAT NEST ONE INSIDE THE OTHER, IDENTICAL IN
EVERYTHING BUT SIZE.

OR AT LEAST THAT'S HOW I SAW HER. SHE ROLLER-SKATED AND ICE-SKATED AND DID
CARTWHEELS IN SHOPPING MALLS AND BLEW BUBBLES AND DREW PICTURES, WHICH WE
HUNG ON THE REFRIGERATOR. SHE DEVOURED YODELS AND SLUSHES AND WOKE EARLY
ON SUNDAY MORNINGS TO WATCH DAVEY AND GOLIATH.

SHE NEVER SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT, NOT AT TEN MONTHS, NOT AT TEN YEARS.
WHEN SHE WAS SMALL, SHE'D WAKE AND CRY AND I'D TAKE HER INTO BED WITH ME.
WHEN SHE GOT BIGGER, SHE'D WAKE AND MAKE HER WAY DOWN THE HALL, AND IN THE
MORNING, I WOULD FIND HER LYING BESIDE ME.

SHE USED TO PUT NOTES UNDER MY PILLOW BEFORE SHE WENT TO BED. I USED TO
PUT NOTES IN HER BOLOGNA SANDWICHES BEFORE SHE WENT TO SCHOOL. SHE USED TO
WAIT BY THE PHONE WHEN I WAS AWAY. I USED TO WAIT AT THE BUS STOP FOR HER
TO COME HOME.

THE SONG, THE NOTES, THE WAKING UP TO FIND HER NEXT TO ME, THE WAITING AT
THE BUS STOP--ALL THESE THINGS ENDED A LONG TIME AGO. UPSTAIRS NOW IS A
YOUNG WOMAN, A GROWN-UP FOR A WHILE. EVERYONE ELSE HAS SEEN THIS---EVERYONE BUT ME.

I LOOK AT HER TODAY, ONE WEEK BEFORE SHE GRADUATES FROM HIGH SCHOOL, AND I
AM PROUD OF HER, PROUD OF THE PERSON SHE HAS BECOME. BUT I'M SAD,
TOO--NOT FOR HER, BUT FOR ME. THERE HAS BEEN A CHILD IN THIS HOUSE FOR
TWENTY-FIVE YEARS. FIRST ONE GREW UP, THEN THE OTHER, BUT THERE WAS ALWAYS
THIS ONE....THE BABY.

NOW THE BABY IS GROWN. AND DESPITE WHAT PEOPLE TELL ME--YOU DON'T LOSE
THEM, THEY GO AWAY BUT THEY COME HOME AGAIN, YOU'LL LIKE THE QUIET WHEN
SHE'S GONE, THE NEXT PART OF LIFE IS THE BEST---I KNOW THAT WHAT LIES AHEAD
WON'T BE LIKE WHAT WAS.

I LOVED WHAT WAS. I LOVED IT WHEN SHE TODDLED INTO MY OFFICE AND SET UP
HER TOY TYPEWRITER NEXT TO MINE. I LOVED WATCHING HER RUN DOWN THE
HALL AT
NURSERY SCHOOL STRAIGHT INTO MY ARMS, AFTER A SEPARATION OF JUST
TWO-AND-A-HALF HOURS. I LOVED TAKING HER TO BUY STICKERS AND FOR WALKS AND
TO MOVIES. I LOVED DRIVING HER TO GYMNASTICS AND LISTENING TO HER FRIENDS.
I LOVED BEING THE ONE SHE RACED TO WHEN SHE WAS HAPPY OR FRIGHTENED OR SAD.
I LOVED BEING THE CENTER OF HER WORLD.

"DADDY, COME PLAY WITH ME."

"DADDY, I'M HOME."

"DADDY, I LOVE YOU THE BESTEST AND THE WIDEST."

WHAT REPLACES THESE THINGS?

"WANT TO SEE MY CAP AND GOWN?" SHE SAYS NOW, PEEKING INTO MY OFFICE. SHE
HOLDS IT UP.

SHE SMILES. SHE'S HAPPY. I'M HAPPY FOR HER. SHE KISSES ME ON THE CHEEK
AND SAYS, "I LOVE YOU, DAD." AND THEN SHE WALKS UPSTAIRS.

I SIT AT MY DESK AND THOUGH MY HEART HURTS, I SMILE. I THINK WHAT A
PRIVILEGE FATHERHOOD IS, AND HOW VERY LUCKY I AM.

Some Lessons I have learned in life

Some Lessons I have learned in life
NO means NO... not Yes or Maybe
Love is the greatest gift one can receive or give.... life is lonely without it no matter how many people you have around you
No matter how educated you are in life... there is still much to learn... you will never learn it all
No matter what you say or do, People will make shit up to satisfy their own insecurity… Remain true to yourself and it won’t matter
Open mindedness brings greater knowledge and better understanding… no one is right and no one is wrong.
Anything you do in life can’t be wrong if it hurts no one in any way
We are all responsible for our actions… Parents or rearing cannot be blamed for bad decisions
To do random acts of kindness will make you smile all day long
Everything that goes around will come back around…. 3 fold
If you chase something, you will continue chasing it…. Be patient and eventually you will reach it
Some things are better left unsaid
Trust is earned not given… it takes much time to earn and only a split second to lose
Give more than you expect in return…. If you only give what you get you will be forever poor
You cannot hide from hurt or pain…. It is part of living
There is a difference between living and existing
If you never take a chance you will remain forever dormant… you will not gain nor will you lose… You will exist
If you take a chance... win or lose you will live and learn
There is nothing more precious than your own children…. Grandchildren are a Parent’s revenge
If you go where everyone else goes… you will miss the greater things
If something goes wrong and you can change it, do so… if you cannot, don’t worry about it
You can never have too many friends, but one dear close friend will suffice
Everything happens for a reason, and it happens when it needs to.
Timing is everything
if you can make others smile.. you will smile
Life is worth living

Some of my poems

Everyone has thoughts and feelings locked deep within one's self.
sometimes we share them only with those people that are close to us.
They don't seem good enough to share with the general public,
so we put them on the shelf.
As time goes by, our thoughts and feelings get covered with dust.
Until one day they are found by a lonely soul, trying to find him/herself.
He/she'll dust them off and feel each poem, thought, and feeling in his/her own way.
Then he/she may not feel so alone and maybe smile, (if it's not to late).
Knowing that someone else has felt the same way, in an earlier day.
Don't wait to share what's within, because you feel it is not great,
or that it is not important enough to read, to feel.
They are more than mere words written upon a page.
They are thoughts and feelings that are more than real.
They are lessons of life that come with age.


IT'S TRUE
Feelings, thoughts and fears brought into the light
out of the darkness of the past,
brought to you on a silver platter.
You turn your head, trying not to see.
But where-ever you turn, it's there.
It seems like it's everywhere.
"The truth hurts.", I've been told.
It's true, you know.
The truth comes up, your defenses go down.
You're open to everything
you've had locked away, out of sight.
Now they want revenge.
It's like being shot through a time warp.
"What should I do?", you ask.
You're lost, and frightened of what will happen.
Your mind says, "Quit, surrender.".
But your heart cries out,
"For the love of life, keep fighting!",
"Conquer these things that make you weak!".
It becomes a war between heart and mind.
Naturally, your heart being the stronger of the two,
you muster all the strength you can find within, and
get back on your feet.
Holding your head high,
you fight the past, back to the room from which it came.
Your heart leading the way.
You re-lock the chains and bolts that secure the door.
The door that someone had opened,
not knowing the real pain of the past.
Your defenses rebuild themselves.
You're safe again, or are you?
Your mind still knows the truth, the nightmares of the past.
But the strength and love inside your heart
will see you through.
It's true, you know.



I AM
I've been alive for millions of years.
So take heed to what I have to say.
I've been with you through love and pain, laughter and tears.
I've been with you all of your life, every day.
I've been with you when you have been lonely and sad.
Everyone has had those sad, lonely days.
You are not the only one who has had it bad.
Some never find their way out of the gloomy haze.
You are quite lucky you know.
You have someone special to love.
Who's love follows you, where-ever you go.
You are constantly being thought of.
Your heart is full of joy and love.
While other's are full of pain and hate.
You let your wealth fly free like a dove.
That is what makes your life so great.
Together, the love you breathe
will set the oppressed free,
and bring happiness to those who grieve.
Just continue loving one another and you will see.
You wonder who I am and how I know.
You can't see me, nor can you stop me, for I am free.
I go on forever! There is no end to where I can go.
I have been, I am, and I will always be!
TIME


THE QUESTION
He sat quietly upon the walk.
He did not smile, he did not talk.
At first I thought him a beggar, living on the street.
But, he did not accost the passerby's, and his dress was much to neat.
I was overtaken by curiosity, I had to take a look.
As I approached him, at his feet I saw an open book.
Maybe he was reading, but... the pages were bare.
I wanted to leave, but something about him kept me there.
All of the sudden, he whispered my name.
I thought, "Who is this man, what is his game?".
Faster than I could ask, "Who...",
He whispered, "I am you.".
In shock, I quickly looked around.
Not a soul in sight. I listened and couldn't hear a sound.
"This is a dream, it has to be!".
It was then, that lonely man smiled at me.
He handed me a pen and the open book.
He whispered the answer to my puzzled look.
"Write the answer to the question. Turn the page.".
At once I felt anger turn to rage.
How dare this man claim to be me!
Does he take me as a fool? A crazy man he must be!
From nowhere a tear rolled down my face,
When I realized he disappeared, without a trace.
"What is going on?", I asked me.
The familiar whisper said, "Turn the page and you will see.".
So I turned the page and began to cry,
When I read the question... Who am I?



GO ON
Depression sets in once again.
It seems that when life is dealing all the right cards,
some other power is cheating you blind.
Knowing this... you still continue to play the game.
You play because you know there is a good chance
that you will win the BIG hand, not because you have no choice.
Either you continue living or you give up, therefore choosing to die.
But even the latter choice is a gamble.
What happens if you try and fail?
It sets you into a deeper depression,
enforcing your belief that nothing right can be done by you.
This in turn makes it impossible to try again,
leaving you to exist miserably in this cold, un-giving society
that human-kind has evolved into.
Who cares about you or your problems?
Have your friends turned their backs on you?
If so... They were not your friends!
You MUST believe in your-self!!!
To hell with what others think, say or do!
You matter only to yourself and the powers you serve.
But whatever the case is... Remember that you are important.
As long as you don't put up a front
or pretend to be something you're not,
It doesn't matter what others think of you.
It is hard, but you must be strong
when there is nothing but weakness around you.
Life is a long road with many pot-holes and ruts, and
there are many times to come in which you will fall.
It is then that you must pick yourself up, dust yourself off,
hold your head up and walk on.
The ultimate goal is true happiness. It is out there!
But you have to walk the road of life to find it.
You can't be content with the first `cozy' spot you come to.
Keep walking, and always trust your heart... your mind will lie.
Never be afraid to step off the beaten path to make your own path.
It's a gamble, but such is life. Go on... Take another step!




A PICTURE OF YOU
As I look into deep into your eyes
Your true beauty shines like the sun
a new warmth touches my heart
That has turned cold through the years
I am mesmerized by the movement of your lips
Always smiling, warm and gentle
as I listen to the sweetness of your voice
speaking words of kindness, words of love
Your hair shines like silk
as it wavers in the gentle breeze
I can smell the essence of your sweet perfume
as it pervades the air I breathe
like a bouquet of fresh flowers.
I reach out with a loving hand
to touch your face (a beauty so rare)
to feel the softness of your rose petal skin
It is then, I realize much to my dismay
that those beautiful eyes are looking at me
only from a picture of you.


A WRITER'S EASEL
Words travel from the deepest depths of my soul
through my heart and mind, to my finger tips.
From my fingertips to the letters on a keyboard.
Words fall into place as they pour onto
the blank space that stares at me blatantly
Painting pictures of life's, past, present and future.
Sometimes the words rush forth with
such a great force and fierceness,
that the colors splash upon the screen
in overwhelming form as the picture is painted.
Other times they flow gently, evenly.... harmoniously
softly filling the screen with beauty, love and colors galore.
Still yet, there are moments of hesitation
when the words must be pulled from within
struggling to paint the desired image.
There are also times, where the words don't come at all
and I sit for hours, staring at the blankness of the screen
waiting.... patiently waiting....
hoping that the inspiration to paint will come
and fill this easel before me with a picture
that others can see.