physically straining.. emotionally dreading...

if you have lost the feeling, would you tell me? its far more difficult to believe i'm with someone but in actually, you are making me believe you are with me. I'd rather face the truth and deal with it than being treated as if i don't exist when i have been standing facing you. I don't want to be left hanging around. I demand TRUTH. this has been so physically straining..moreover, emotionally dreading.....

facade

never been good in life, in my own personal life, that is. since childhood, i have made it a point not to disappoint anyone, and i mean anyone but the one person i have caused disappointment so much is--MYSELF. Living life as if everything is managed but in reality its like i'm barely treading water. Creating a facade do trick people but not oneself. by the end of the day, only you can feel the sufferings of being alone. I should not be alone, family,friends, partner do care, but i am so afraid of disappointing them. disappointing them from what? I do not know exactly. Because of the same fear, i know i have lost countless great people in my life. this is something i know i am good at--driving people away..