smokeorama Offline

Sharing my Shorts ........

Alight, clearly at least TWO people read my last post. Maybe others skimmed it, who knows? But that's enough encouragement right there for me to write another one. Besides, I'm not really in the mood for the chat rooms these days, and I need some excuse to be here. Seeing as I've gone and logged in and all .......

Fancy that, I could be come a "bloggist"! Is that a word? I don't care for "blogger" much. Sounds a bit like "jogger" to me, and as far as I'm concerned those guys can just jog on. I think that's an English turn of phrase actually, so that's a hazard of having an international blog right there. Not that it matters. Look how many words I've wasted saying nothing already!

Blogs are supposed to have themes, aren't they? So I could bore you all by talking about my favourite movies, or music, or books or blah blah blah? God, I'd put myself to sleep ......... Well, maybe not. I've done a sort've music blog before actually. Not sure if it was followed much, but I liked rewatching the clips I attached to each one. But who came here to read about music? I mean, everyone loves music (I think) but I've never noticed the Music Lovers chatroom overburdened with numbers. Or the Movie or Book Lovers rooms, come to that.

People are here for the nookie, innit? Well, the blokes are. Whenever a new room pops up called something like "Phooarrr, full on dirty chat for horny perverts" or something like that, I'll be straight in there. And on almost every occasion, when you look at the room feed you'll see some folorn type question "Are they any women in here?" Or the slightly huffier statement "Hmmmm, there's only guys in here!" as if the person who typed the statement feels they've been personally duped into going in. Later on, you'll see a few "Bye bye room!" comments, as if the dude is letting the room have What For for failing to provide him with loads of nymphomaniac chatter chicks.

Not totally sure why the girls come here. There's bound to be some sexual component to it, but they're not quite as blatant as the guys. Perhaps the men would consider themselves to be "sexually efficient" or something like that. The women seem to be seeking a basic personal connection, but it's pretty general. So they often avoid specific subject rooms, and head to the more generic "Dating" etc. Private Chat is pretty popular though. The name itself suggests one to one conversations, although you'll find a constant stream of room white noise chat going on in there. Also, the phase "Private Chat" just screams SEX to most guys. It's just that little bit more intimate than Dating. Maybe I could flirt with you in Dating, but once we get talking in Private Chat then digital clothing is about to be removed. Or something like that.

In the end though, I couldn't help getting the feeling that women would tolerate sex as a conversation piece more so they could get conversation at all. It's a tricky balance I suppose. You have to give just enough flirtation to keep the guy interested, but you know that once he's had a self induced orgasm it's Log Off City. So if you're a chick and you want a general talk about life or whatever, then you have to make sure it's Sex Rations but not starvation. And don't over feed. while you're at it. Naturally I over analyse everything, and this whole theory is just a bit crap.

There's no WAY I could maintain a blog for any length of time with my crappy theories. I can barely keep it up for one post, although I feel like I've stretched it out to one and a half now. People would be way more interested in facts than theories anyway. Or at least embellished facts. There isn't really such a thing as a good story without a bit of embellishment. And as it happens, I do have a few good stories from my time on the internet dating scene. I like to embellish them as well, so that works out well. After all, it's not much good talking about sex if it doesn't read like erotic fiction. Or in this case, erotic faction.

Does anyone want to hear my tales? I guess the good thing about a blog is, that's totally irrelevant. I just type what I want, and it's here forever, waiting for me to become a celebrity so that it can ruin my life. Then again, it's all anonymous isn't it? I've even got a pic of Johnny Depp up now. Plus, no one can really point the finger when it comes to sex. We're all a bit dodgy, deep down.

I think I was sexually pretty normal before the internet. Probably what the sex afficinados would call "Vanilla". My girlfriend at the time and I had our moments, but they tended to come in bursts, between which there wasn't a lot going on. I always had a bit of an imagination, I know that. As a teen I'd liked the "traditional" porn magazines, because I loved to imagine the dialogue that took place between the models and I. As she'd slowly reveal herself to me, in such an inviting way, lol. I wasn't so keen on porn movies, because the dialogue was a bit shit, and the foreplay was less than average. I hadn't precisely realised how much I liked being teased before sex back then, but it become apparent. Porn can be a bit average for that. OK, porn can be a bit average full stop.

When I started working, about half of my friends would spend at least a portion of their income on hookers. I've never done this myself, but I completely understood the logic. Men are lazy bastards, heh heh. So you'd go out to a bar on a Friday after work, get hosed and socialise with your friends, and be keen on a shag after that. It made perfect sense to stop by the shag shop on the way home, and still be guaranteed a good sleep in your own bed, and nothing to fuss about in the morning.

The reason I've never used prostitutes isn't from any great lofty perspective. But there are two reasons that will probably always make it unlikely I ever will. If I was a military guy I guess I'd class one reason as tactical and the other strategic. The tactical reason is that I can't abide condoms. Hate the bloody things. I think everybody does secretly, but it's one of those things that you're not supposed to admit. They're just unnatural in everyway, and I don't care how many sex experts try to go on telly demonstrating how to roll them on with their mouths. Unless you've got a rubber fetish, then it's all just an exercise in self deception.

So, what is it I have against condoms? Well, obviously the sensation is inferior. Along with the having to stop to put them on when things are flowing smoothly. But actually, that's not the main problem. Condom makers work on these issues, because they're the complaints most often articulated. But they'll never be able to fix the real problem, so they can give up now. Here's what it is. I want to put my cock in YOU, not a plastic bag. I want to pump YOU full of my jism, not a plastic bag. It's like a territorial marking kind of thing, I guess, I dunno. But whatever it is, it's psychological. I'm not sure how this works for women. Do they ever feel a bit shortchanged when a guy fills a condom with his wad, rather than their eager and throbbing pussy? I can imagine it so, but no one's precisely explained this concept to me. Anyway, for me, I don't want any barriers between us, and if your sexy hot little pussy can make me fill it with cum, then so much the better. Ooooh, I nearly excited myself then, writing that.

The strategic issue I have with prostitutes is that I'm naturally a pleasure giver. Which means I struggle to enjoy sex if I don't get to give pleasure, and lots of it. Of course this is such a turn on for me that I pretty soon get to be a pleasure getter. It's certainly going to be a fail if you're giving pleasure to someone else that only wants to give pleasure, so clearly we should aim to be both. The thing is though, no matter how much someone seems to be enjoying the pleasure that you're giving them, as soon as a mandatory cash transaction enters the equation the whole illusion is smashed beyond repair. Possibly the ultimate for me would be to find a hooker who doesn't care about condoms, and then when we're done she says "Oh fuck Me, that was sooo good ........ Look, I'm gonna have to pay You!!"

I'm not sure if she exists. Plus, it doesn't sound that healthy. So perhaps if she just had sex with me, instead of all and sundry. And now we've come full circle in the argument, and you can see that the woman isn't a hooker at all, she's my girlfriend. Except I can't recall a girlfriend who ever paid me for sex .......

When my long term girlfriend and I split up, I actually went off sex for a bit. I don't think that this is all that unusual, from what I've been told. Probably more worrying was the fact that I also lost interest in socialising at all. I think that if you're in a couple for a long time you just lose practise at it. So I spent a year or so celibate, and with only the smallest amount of drugs and alcohol entering my body. Friends started to try to arrange "hook ups" for me. My brother introduced me to a chick at a party with the line "this is Debbie. She hasn't had sex for eight months". Cheers bro, but I'm now starting to understand what the phrase "performance pressure" means.

(As an aside, Debbie was eventually dropped off at home by my brother. He reportedly apologised for my inadequacies, and then sealed the deal with the line "Eight months?? I'm simply not going to bloody well stand for it!!" Which is slightly ironic, because in his version of events he WAS standing whilst she was bent over her dressing table in front of him).

Anyway, I was happy enough, I think. Like a lot of single people, I got to do what I want, when I wanted, etc etc. I must confess though, it was starting to become apparent to me that what I wanted to do was to masturbate an awful lot. And you can't always do that when you feel like, as it happens. Finally though, something changed. And as is often the case in your life, the change was brought about by a friend. Which is what friends are for.

I'd had a computer and the internet for awhile. But I didn't use it a whole lot. Like most people at the time, it was just a work tool. Word processing and spreadsheet software were used a lot, and the internet gave me email to send them out. Being self employed, this was all very useful. But surfing the net was a bit alien to me at first. I dabbled in it a bit, because I had a lot of time on my hands in the evening. Mainly news sites, and then more specialist news sites (ie football pages). Like most, I'd viewed a bit of porn, but got a bit bored with it. I was starting to get into downloading music as I recall .............

A friend of mine, Greg, popped round for a beer one evening. (As Bon Scott would say, "names have been changed, to protect the guilty). He told me about all the sex he was getting, in his normal braggadcio way. I didn't mind that at all, that's just how he was. If he got the bus to work in the morning he'd have a phone number before he reached his stop, etc. But on this evening he was particularly enthused about the internet. He spoke of instant chat programs, and websites were women were lined up and were gagging for it. For him this truly was "shooting fish in a barrell".

I knew what msn messenger was, as I had the ubiquitous hotmail account. I didn't really use it much though. It was reserved for jokes and crap like that that folk would circulate, but it didn't hold a lot of space. The msn program looked interesting, but I didn't really have anyone to connect to. Except for Greg. He started to pop up on it a lot during the evenings, telling me that he was chatting so some "hottie" in another window and arranging a shag. I must admit the guy could type fast!

Anyway, Greg wanted me to join this dating site he was on. I couldn't even imagine what one was, let alone what they'd be for. Reluctantly I let him sign me up, using my hotmail account. I didn't realise at the time, but the site was pretty new, one of the first in New Zealand. And as such, all it's main features were free, for a limited time. If this hadn't been the case the I think life for me would've headed in a very different direction. The idea of paying a cent on a dating site was pretty much totally ananthema. And still is, .

So, I had a name on a profile page, with the barest of information, all hidden. Jeff had to leave, and told me to explore the place and fill my boots! As soon as he'd gone, I logged off. The plan was never to go back again. But as Paris once sang "the plan had plans of it's own for the brother man", heh heh. If anyone is reading this and wants to hear what happened next, then I might get around to telling it. But knowing me, I might not!

Btw, if you ARE reading this, then I hope you all have a pretty rocking Christmas with family and friends. And with loads of nookie of course, .................