Smegheadx Offline

34 Single Female from Mansfield       133
         

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Ramblings of a broken mind..

I know no one ever reads these things, its just as well really! I just need some time alone to myself for a few days!, my mind is going around in circles!, 21 days ago i became single for the first time in 6 and a half years, i won't lie and say im fine as fine can be, because im really not! I thought this would be a new lease of life for me, that i could get out and start living my life since for those 6 and a half years ive been loyal to one guy. I have given him my heart, and everything else that he wanted, he gave me a son (and ultimately i sacreficed my size 10/12 figure!!), you see i never wanted children! I made that very clear at the start of our relationship that it was never going to happen! But then nothing goes to plan when you think you're in love.

I just can't carry on in this house with him, right under my sons nose! He has no idea we're not together anymore! I just want to keep that sense of normality around him, pretend that everything is well!..My parents rowed in front of me when i was a kid (mind you, their still together 32 years strong!), it upset me, and still to this day i still cannot be in the middle of arguments, as people shouting at me, or around me tends to make me cry!, and thats where it all spanned from!

Don't get me wrong, I always will love my ex..As he's the one who gave me something so precious, my son! Without him my boy wouldn't exist! (and maybe id still have my size 10/12 figure!!)..But i just cant compete with being second best to his friends! I physically can't do it!..I have put up with it for 6 and a half years and ive finally had enough!, yes..By all means see your friends, but when it gets in the way of finances, and a choice between us eating and them not..Im always going to say we deserve it more!, No, i may not be very nice but people don't know the half of it!..For 6 years i have been second best to a pair of uber dykes!!..Now i have nothing against lesbians of any sort, but unfortunately these pair have been the thorn in my side for a very long time!! :/

House hunting is driving me mental, they seem to think bringing in minimum wage makes you a millionaire and that you can afford everything they throw at you..Council tax (which is about 1,000..I dont make that in a month never mind a year!!), the full rent, gas, electric, tv licence..Around here its about £400 for a 2 bedroomed house..I need to stay in Sutton as i work here and my son is in school here, disturbing him from school and moving him around is gonna be a disaster, especially now he's settled into school! :/

When will this shit ever end!!..When will i finally be able to be happy because at the moment all i see is me lost!, up shit creek without a paddle!