 Friends         | Meh  RinRex: Last night I didn't sleep, reason being I'm anxious. I'm about to take a huge step in my life. I think it's about time I ask for help from my parents. My mental health is taking a huge toll on my grades, social life, physical health, and relationship with my family. I'm going simple right now but I'll be completely honest with them. I'm greatful for the parents I have and I know that they love me. Weather they will actually help or not, I don't know. I'm scared they will take what I say too lightly. I believe at this point, I need a therapist, because I'm stuck, no matter how many times I try to get my life back together lately I'm not strong enough to keep it stable. Wish me luck. RinRex: "having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure, but no urge to be productive. It's wanting friends, but hate socializing. It's wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzing numb." RinRex: •^• I have a challenge, expose yourself. (Btw there's a blank one for anyone brave) Why tf am I scared of abandonment and social things at the same time....... XD   RinRex: Anyone who is friends with Emily hicks by tonight will be blocked regardless if I'm close with you or not. This is how bad Emily's messed up before, to the point im willing to lose friends, so remove her or be removed. RinRex: I'm gonna pat myself on the back 'Cause I did the bare minimum Where the fuck is my medal? Tweetin' from my brand new condominium My legacy will never burn down What you gonna do when it's your turn now? Dance with the devil, don't pull her into bed Anyone's a hero with a bullet in the head I have been around since you were just a child You think that you can stop me? Then you are in denial I own all of the jury, the judge over the trial You walked into a trap, I walk out with a smile RinRex: I sometimes have trouble find a profile picture I feel fits what I am and how I feel while also not going too far. RinRex: I'ma finally admit it, the weeks I've slowly been getting more and more depressed. I don't have a reason either. View all 5 posts  RinRex: Thing is I don't have anything to talk about besides the fact that I have no motivation and just feel super low xp. RinRex: "I only give respect to the ones i trust and know" Karma, in response to that before you blocked me and didn't let me finish -.-, I think you're confused, you shouldn't give attitude to people you don't know at first, because that's how you lose people who are trust worthy. You don't have to respect someone right away but you definitely should not treat them like trash, just cause you don't know them, that's where you fucked up. You treated all these trust worthy people like trash and lost them and now you arnt welcome there because you can't fucking take credit of being an ass to all of us the second you entered. And for everyone else seeing this I don't fucking take attitude as an introduction to a person. Someone fucks up one they are dead to me for ever. That's it. |
It's taking me a lot longer to go to a therapist, in too fucking anxious to say anything to ask for help -_- it's like I think of something I need to say or I write a note or something to ask for help but then it's either they don't actually bring me to a therapist and say I'm fine and then I give up trying bc I don't wanna get on their bad side or anything, or I go back and fourth and back and fourth in my mind about dumb shit that could happen if I asked for help. Like aghhh ig I just gotta be patient with myself and my parents both. Xp
Or if I directly tell them what's happening ex of a conversation I had with my mom once:
Me: "sometimes I hear voices that arnt mine and it kinda worries me can I get it checked out?"
Mom: "Kayla stop looking up things like this on the internet or I'm going to take away your phone"
Me: "... Ok." (Inside I give up and stop trying because I know she dosnt believe me and thinks I'm making up things)
Later:
Mom: "you need to go back to school in person"
Me: "why?"
Mom: "because your getting bored and making up things inside your head you need to make freinds not imaginary friends"
Me: (gets angery because I hate going to school in person because of reasons) "I don't want to go to school because I have to wear those stupid masks and I just sit around bored all day anyways it's no different than being at home really"
Mom: "fine then you have to go to orchestra in person at least, you need to get out of the house"
Me: "fine..." (Realizes the conversation went away from the main topic but I'm too nervous to bring up the original topic because me mom's already annoyed with me arguing about going to school or not)
Few days later:
Mom: (has been yelling at me already for my grades dropping below a b) "it's because your on your dang phone all the time, if you don't get your grades back up I'm taking you back to school and I will take your phone every day before school"
Me: (knows it's not my phone or me being at home, it's mostly bc of my horrible memory I have bc of this weird mental thing going on) "mom I'll get my grades up I promise, and it's not because of my phone or not being at schools,... It's probably my adhd and the weather and time change, also I had a migraine today (I didn't) so I fell behind I'll get my grades up before the end of the week if I can't then you can take me back to school again."
Later
Me: (desperately brings my grades back up a few days later after hardly sleeping to do so and writes an email for my mom in attempt to have her read everything before she says or argues about stuff with me but... I can't send it. Why? Because I fear she would get mad that I'm "making stuff up" then she would take my phone, make me go to school, and it would end up making whatever's going on, worse, because for me, school is one of the most uncomfortable places for me to be because I worry about everything, I'm pushes aside as a background character and I can't stand being back at school again if I don't absolutely have too)
And that's why I'm stalling to seek professional help, and as long as I'm okayish for now, with the help of friends, I'm holding on untill I'm able to get my own help, but for now it's not that easy to get help. So I have to assume shit and just try my best on my own.
It's the fact my mom denies something could be wrong with me that causes me to not ask for help. And it fucking sucks. And no I can't just go to a counciler or something bc it's the same thing. Idv asked for help and they denied anything was wrong.
Am I just lying to myself?