Depression

Hit a low today. Need someone to talk to. Run outta options. Figured at least this gives me an outlet to say something. I'm bipolar w/social anxieties. Bad enough for being declared legally disabled more then a year ago now. I talk to much and easily alienate people because of that and just not being an easy person to deal with. An odd malfunction for a person that really likes being around people. I simply do not know how to interact with people anymore and bad experiences, even in chat, make trying to make friends to difficult emotionally to risk.

Only social group I can really move in these days, though on-line, is gamers. Doesn't really last, but I try on occasion. I understand gamers and creative people and some pagans. Generally a combination of those categories with psychological differences. That crowd tends to be more socially accepting of individuals like me.

Depression is an interesting state of mine. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I recognize my difficulties more realistically and accept what I cannot change.

Sadly, these days my expectations are low and my requirements, mostly emotional, are few. Unfortunately, having few requirements does not make them easy to come by. Friends, even superficial ones, are not simple anymore. Friends worth keeping, they're as elusive as the unicorn. They are beautiful and wonderful and magical and impossible to find. Friends are easier to find, and keep, when one is young, healthy, emotionally low maintenance, and have some trait that makes one worth the effort. Been a long time since I was young. Never fit the other criteria.

Honesty is an interesting experience. Maybe on-line I can pretend to be normal, in gaming circles at least, for short periods of time. Manic and depression moods lead to further explanations, before, or after, the erratic behaviors becomes obvious. Mentioning bipolar to the mentally healthy tends to result in sudden changes in interaction or reactions as a result of news articles detailing bipolar individuals getting firearms and going postal, for no apparent reason, on random people. I'm nuts, but I'm not violent.

I'm a loyal, dependable, loving friend. I'm not the life of the party. I don't like loud music. I don't understand fashion, make-up or general socializing. I have a degenerating psychological condition that has gutted my mathematical ability and heavily contributed to the anxieties that make me somewhat incapable of interacting with groups, especially strangers. I don't understand women; I'm more comfortable with guys, or at least was when socializing was even possible. I talk to much. I babble about stories I've written pieces of, or wanna write. I'm fascinated by psychology, especially bizarre psychology, which leads me to a head full of weird trivia about psychological malfunctions and serial killers. A lot of negative aspects that sadly overshadow the loyal, dependable and loving part.

I really have nothing to offer anyone. I really wish I knew what the point of living is. Its like facing an Alzheimer's diagnosis. There is no cure. There is no hope. There is only coping with losing what's left of my mind.