PerpetualDreamer Offline

43 Single Female from Rockford       0

Blog

Depression

Hit a low today. Need someone to talk to. Run outta options. Figured at least this gives me an outlet to say something. I'm bipolar w/social anxieties. Bad enough for being declared legally disabled more then a year ago now. I talk to much and easily alienate people because of that and just not being an easy person to deal with. An odd malfunction for a person that really likes being around people. I simply do not know how to interact with people anymore and bad experiences, even in chat, make trying to make friends to difficult emotionally to risk.

Only social group I can really move in these days, though on-line, is gamers. Doesn't really last, but I try on occasion. I understand gamers and creative people and some pagans. Generally a combination of those categories with psychological differences. That crowd tends to be more socially accepting of individuals like me.

Depression is an interesting state of mine. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I recognize my difficulties more realistically and accept what I cannot change.

Sadly, these days my expectations are low and my requirements, mostly emotional, are few. Unfortunately, having few requirements does not make them easy to come by. Friends, even superficial ones, are not simple anymore. Friends worth keeping, they're as elusive as the unicorn. They are beautiful and wonderful and magical and impossible to find. Friends are easier to find, and keep, when one is young, healthy, emotionally low maintenance, and have some trait that makes one worth the effort. Been a long time since I was young. Never fit the other criteria.

Honesty is an interesting experience. Maybe on-line I can pretend to be normal, in gaming circles at least, for short periods of time. Manic and depression moods lead to further explanations, before, or after, the erratic behaviors becomes obvious. Mentioning bipolar to the mentally healthy tends to result in sudden changes in interaction or reactions as a result of news articles detailing bipolar individuals getting firearms and going postal, for no apparent reason, on random people. I'm nuts, but I'm not violent.

I'm a loyal, dependable, loving friend. I'm not the life of the party. I don't like loud music. I don't understand fashion, make-up or general socializing. I have a degenerating psychological condition that has gutted my mathematical ability and heavily contributed to the anxieties that make me somewhat incapable of interacting with groups, especially strangers. I don't understand women; I'm more comfortable with guys, or at least was when socializing was even possible. I talk to much. I babble about stories I've written pieces of, or wanna write. I'm fascinated by psychology, especially bizarre psychology, which leads me to a head full of weird trivia about psychological malfunctions and serial killers. A lot of negative aspects that sadly overshadow the loyal, dependable and loving part.

I really have nothing to offer anyone. I really wish I knew what the point of living is. Its like facing an Alzheimer's diagnosis. There is no cure. There is no hope. There is only coping with losing what's left of my mind.

I'm sitting here wondering. What does it take to find someone who wants me? Someone who can accept me for who I am, quirks and all. I have shown I am capable of loving. My love can hold on through many things. When I accept a person for who he/she is, I accept that person. It would take a serious betrayal, even beyond unfaithfulness, like emotional abuse, to waiver my loyalty.

I once thought I had a good relationship. I loved him. Really truly loved him. And while I know that the divorce made it possible to get daycare for my children (since I was incapable of taking care of them anymore,) it hurt; perhaps, it still hurts.

My life since then has been a chain of mostly short, bad relationships; or, perhaps, mostly short, fake ones. I'm not even sure I know the different between real and fake anymore.

Maybe I will find someone. Tall, emotionally, as well as physically, strong men appeal to me. Techies and gamers. I seem to be drawn to highly intelligent, creative men. Too bad that crowd does not come with social skills (or spec manuals.)

Notes: I am not interested in on-line relationships, long-distance relationships and/or cyber.

I sometimes wonder, generally while depressed, what the point of life is. I mean, here I sit, with nothing to do. My lack of attention span is driving me nuts. I cannot sit and simply watch a movie. I cannot RP unless the other players are in-person or quick to respond on-line. What is the point?

*sighs*

If its not obvious yet, I suffer from depression. It is one aspect of being bipolar. I spend my life on an emotional roller coaster. Even with medication, my moods rival a Six Flags Great America ride, at times.

I go into this because I need to express it. I do not want sympathy. Bipolar is simply a state of being. In my view, mood swings are no different then being blond and blue eyed. Medication can subtly, to drastically, alter my personality, but it is no different from contacts and hair dye. Just another chemical mask.