 Blog PostsFriends         | BlogGrieving what never diedGrieving the loss of something that didn't die is like trying to assemble a puzzle with missing pieces. It seems so pointless to try. You get stuck and all forward motion seems to come to a screeching halt. There are all these holes where the pieces should go that swallow you up. You are left at the bottom of them lost and searching for a way to climb out. When you have finally managed to navigate that hole and slowly, painstakingly climb your way out and take a step, there is another one waiting. Too big to go around you plunge to the bottom once more. Eventually the strength and effort to climb out of them becomes too much so you give in, sink down, pull your knees to your chest wrapping your tired arms around them and rock gently, hoping to gain the strength eventually to start the cycle over. You pray you can take more than a step next time without another one being right in front of you, ready to swallow you again.I Don't Want ToI don't want to battle the thoughts, have the mental duels between the rational and irrational. I don't want to push though anymore, feeling like I'm trying to walk through quick sand. I don't want to wear every hurt, anguish, stress of the day on my face making it so hard to look in the mirror with the hollow expression and sunken eyes. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to act ok...I just want to let it all go, say **** it, just be and see what happens.If only it were as simple as...Sir, May I please give up now?...but when I look up he is nowhere to be found, only me and my scars that he once healed and made beautiful, now opened and exposed once again. Do I dare grant myself permission? SilentI want to write outall the things great and small the wonderful and the awful Noisy head, raging to purge the thoughts, the feelings from the irrational to the rational Longing to share my winding journey the twists and turns of small victories of epic defeats the baby steps to the quantum leaps Painfully holding it in, just alluding to profound experiences and radical changes my insight and my growth Yet, it is not only mine so my hands are bound remaining silent for now surviving the noise I want...I want a love that is violent, passionate and utterly consuming. I want a love that is soft, tender and fragile to be protected fiercely. I want a love that challenges what I think I know and makes me smarter. I want a love that is bold and brave but humble. I want a love that is prideful but lacks hubris. I want a love that scares me and makes me push through my fear. I want a love that makes me laugh and gives me respite from the pain. I want a love that sees my dark places and isn’t afraid. I want a love that silences the demons when needed. I want a love where words are insufficient and unnecessary at times. I want a love that is utterly imperfect but perfect for me. I want a love that breaks me and lets me grow stronger in the broken places. I want a love that I can be all this for and more… Book of Secretsbook of secretes you are my secret placewhere i tell my stories and i hide away my darling diary with the heat of my tongue i will brand my pain into your flesh never to be seen or heard but felt with the strength of my touch i will caress the bindings of my book to make sure it remains unhurt With the scent of my skin I will perfume the pages so they stay pleasing for the ages - xI Am Grootx Road HomeSomething wicked this way comes,through dark skies and velvet roads, she wanders the unknown. Lifted on the wings of crows, chasing shadows of her pain, to find her way back home. Where the emptiness and aching, the misery and fear, are paintings on the walls. Where the only song sung is her moaning, for the sorrow that she mourns. - xI Am Grootx & Mara_Jade72  |
