KenOnCloud Offline

YMCA

LaDonna and I love cruises. I would not get a DUI walking to my cabin. We have cruised four times and always paid for a cabin with a patio. The food was good and copious. On lobster night I would ask the waiter sheepishly if I could eat all the lobster I wanted to which he or she would smile and reply yes. We liked the shore excursions and various events like the ship wide singing competition. This is a huge affair with several hundred in attendance if not a thousand people. LaDonna has won second place twice.

I will say with candor I snuck a large bottles of vodka in my suitcase onto the ship. Vodka has no color, so I carried a water bottle full of vodka as we explored and enjoyed the activities on the ship at night. Purchasing drinks is expensive on ships. I was pretty lit up in the evenings. I don’t remember much of the four cruises which makes me contemplate the philosophical question what is the point of experiencing an event if I don’t remember it. What is the point of sex if I don’t remember it? I am not smart enough to answer that question.

LaDonna and I went to the karaoke venue. They are all the same. The talent fills the full spectrum from horrific to excellent. The dreadful singers always think they are good. I was close to drunk when my wife cajoled me to indulge in karaoke. Mind you I have never done karaoke in my life. Against my better judgement I consented. I picked YMCA thinking that would be an easy song. I mean how hard is it to pretend to be a cop, Indian, construction worker, and sailor? Who the hell can’t sing YMCA?

I climbed up the stage and everything was cool, I was brimming with fake confidence. The music started and the lyrics scrolled, then I knew I was in trouble as I could not follow the lyrics. I said, “Fuck this is hard in the mic.” I could not keep up with the lyrics and I was exceptionally pathetic. I was relegated to shouting YMCA and tried to make the letters, but they were backwards. I was not smart enough to realize my letters were backwards from the perspective of onlookers. Then they started copiously laughing at me. I had no more ego. It was shattered 10 seconds into the song. My spirit was broken. At this point I did not care because I had nothing else to lose.

Ultimately, my wife sang with me. She is a great singer. I was the idiot yelling YMCA and making the letters backwards. The crowd was so entertained they gave us a standing ovation and beseeched for an encore on the following night. Apparently they wanted to see the untalented pitiful fool again. I would sing the song the following night. I got hammered and I swallowed my pride as I entered the karaoke bar. A hush fell upon the crowd as if Elvis entered the building. They were smiling and giddy. I entertained them again with my dreadful performance. This time my wife and another female singer sang for me. They masked my wretched performance. People started dancing in a lively manner. The crowd smiled and laughed. The women singing for me belted out the song. I did not know if I should be feeling shame or amusement. There is a truth, people will remember extremely embarrassing moments and this event was no exception.

I suddenly had a cult following on the ship. Random people came up to me to ask if I was that YMCA singer dude several times while my wife and I strolled the top deck. I was thinking I must have made a huge spectacle as the word of mouth of my horrific display of lack of singing talent spread like a wildfire on the ship. I must have made quite an impression. I would not be surprised if couples who were on the cruise with us talk about that horrific YMCA guy. My wife was known on the ship as the woman married to the YMCA guy. I wonder whose side my wife was on as she knew the outcome before it happened.