True story (i've already posted this)

About 2 and a half years ago when i first got forced to go to church, well we have this thing every 2 sunday of the month where other churches meet at one church and since our church was hosting it i was forced to stay for it and so i was mad af but then i saw this girl and immediately i said to myself "FUCK SHE'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL AF" and like i couldnt quit starin at her you know? and then i actually wanted to go to church thoses sundays. then after almost a year (right after i had the misscairage and also right after the rehab since i found out about the misscairage in the rehab) it was time to go to her church. Turns out her preacher has a (about a year at the time) daughter named aria and since i was gonna name my child Aaryaa i got super emotional so i went outside in the rain and started crying well she found me out there and tried to chear me up..well lets just say no one else knew about it but i told her and i found out her name was Sarah Dixon (now since ik two sarahs here imma just call her Dix) a few more months came by and we slowly became aquaintences she made me wanna actually banish my demons i have summoned and start going to church..so i got saved, got baptised...then in June? mabye July? of this summer her church was hosting a camp for 3 days so of course i wanted to go (she was going too after all) So i went.. and after the first day we became best friends but i still wasnt out to her yet..then my brother (from wire) kaijugod i called him and he said just tell her...well i didnt but instead i just started following her around and hanging out with her more and more..then i have this best friend challange on a piece of paper that we did and one of the questions where "am i straight" when i asked her that she said "GEE I HOPE SO" so i just started laughing tryna play it cool. we still hung out cuz i still liked her you know then the last day she bought me this shirt and we rode on four wheelers to go to the store and we almost wrecked and we just started laughing like crazy then after i found out shes a beast at archery and i was so amazed i just sat in the grass watching her. and found out shes adopted to and her mom now can barely speak english (shes hispanic) but her mom loves me and i call her "mamma rose" well then we camp was over so me and Dix hugged and i dont hug everyone i barely hug people and then since then ive seen her twice cuz im back to not being christian cuz ill never be with her probly and ive drawn her the flash cuz she loves the flash and now she wants me to draw Dean Winchester and the next time imma see her is in January and im scared but i wanna tell her i love her but i dont want her to hate me case shes probly straight so i wont and im just gonna keep loving her without her knowing it and it will keep killing me.

idk yet

She look up into the mirror and what she seeing she hating
So much evil in this world and it's beauty just masquerades it
They hide behind all their secrets, hide behind all their pain
I've been through so fucking much shit it's about to drive me insane
Sometimes I wish all the beating would knock it all out of my brain
Someone would just take the picture and crop me out of the frame
Yeah, and that's what's stolen my worth
Don't judge me about my appearance my soul is lower than dirt
My heart's been broken so many times I don't know if it works
And all I have is this smile and {that's the loneliest hurt}
And I'm froze stuck up in this place I only feel alone
And I give shit I give, but it takes too much to be whole
I want someone to fucking love me,
I'm tired to coming last to everything that's above me

And I smile, maybe it's a parody of all the tragedy inside us
We keep secrets like abortions,
Life stolen then frozen within our psyche's lies on ice
Dancing with the demons, lips that rarely speak the truth
Acclimated by what we've been through, the mind is a terrible thing to waste
And at the same time it's a terrible place to wait
I'm wasting away, starting to expire, I see fire when your teeth show
Pride often of ego, thrown off like parts between syllables
Hiccups that can't be scared away, dreams not easy to decipher, conquer
But I still smile too but and inside I'm beating my knuckles to a bloody pulp
And even still I always wonder wonder what it would feel like to be beautiful
To feel like rain on rose petals, to feel like sunshine
And have a life without suffering constantly
I find myself awaken through it all and inevitably risen
Rippen like fruit branches on the tree of knowledge
And again I wonder why the good have to suffer
What it means to be gentle, what we mean to one another
What it means to be a lover

January Challenge ❄❄ (doing this bc I'm BOREDDDD) ((stolen from dark))

Day one: What's your goal for 2019? Meet you guys irl ig. Be a better person to people around me. Day two: When is your birthday? November 8 Day three: Post your bae

12/13/18 5:16 Burning Dreams

Im sitting here crying
On the bathroom floor
Im lying to myself looking at the locked door
"You're getting better, you know"
It's colder weather but no snow
As the wind blows
It's about to rain
I'm about to be in pain
About to obtain
Watch the liquid run down the drain
Nobody here gives a shit about me
But believe me they'll see
Me in their dreams
As I burn their whole world
Into flames

12/12/18 3:38 a.m.

Go ahead find someone else
I guess im just that useless
Oh wait, you already did
Now i see you're just a dick
Dont know why you were so trusted
Guess you just lust it
Watch me burn your home
And everything you own
Unless that's just a clone
I'll tear your skin off the bone
I hope you're happy with her
Cause now she can watch the gore
I knew i shouldn't trust you
My demons knew too
Now i wanna beat you black and blue
Yeah, imma asshole
Thank you, I know
You got caught
That's your own fault