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45 Single Female from Ottawa       2


In the GRANDMother Bitchery

Perhaps a short description of what life with my mother was like is in order before I begin this story...

My Mother has always been 'high-strung', and I mean wound tight, so tight she couldn't hold her fuse for nothing. I know it's a matter of her own perception but I have always disagreed with many of the things she percieves as importand or integral to a happy and healthy life -that is if those are her goals!?! To be honest I have yet to see the limits to my mothers evergrowing expectations and it's not just me! She judges everyone in comparison to herself and picks on the weaknesses she percieves. I never thought I was a bad mother because my kids stay up until midnight every night but according to her I am de-structuring them by not having a weekday/weekend routine that is scheduled to the minute (which, by the way, is how she runs her life).

I disagree that simply because my lifestyle is different it does not make it wrong or by any means influential nor non-influential. And it's not like my lifestyle is any different... I have goals and I work towards them every day, I have responsabilites I complete every day, I have my reasons, priorities, morals and so on just like anyone.

My parents split when I was a kid but only after they fought my whole life -it's no wonder, they say, that I was a shy and intimidated kid with anxiety issues. They took me to psychiatrists and mental health doctors of all sorts for two or four years while the two of them fought over assets and legalaties to their divorce. I was stuck in the middle and manipulated by my mother into dispising my father as she bastardized him verbally to this day (ie. 'your father, the bastard, a**-hole, d**k-head... was never there for me (while he went to school, worked a full-time job and started a family -no wonder he wasn't there, he was too busy trying to keep a there!)... won't pay more child suport (she had a six figure income as did her new husband -boohoo, and a half-million dollar house allong with quarterly trips to Las Vegas)... and she also repeatedly told me personal stories about perversion and adultry (which she ended the relationship with my father for an alcoholic who beat me with fists until I left home at 13 years of age). Many times she bawled her eyes out over stressfull events and claimed she could end her life and once she claimed she not only thought of but pre-meditated the death of my youngest biological sister and herself. I've always tried to be there for my mother in her hard times but the fact is that I never recieved attention during my stressfull moments other than efforts to seclude me even if it meant hurting my feelings so I never knew how to help her -and still don't!

As a child she spent very little time with me other than to set me up with an independant activity or to 'dicipline' me. Sure there were reasons she lacked the time but on the other hand the laundry could have been done every other day and the silverware did NOT need to be spotless for a typical family dinner provided it was at least clean!

ANYWAY... Here's the current situation I could use some insight upon...

My family of two kids and husband recently moved in with my mother and step-father. This was my mothers pleading which we responded to in hopes we could recover some debts. It has now been three and a half months... but the last two weeks have felt like years.

My mother has been verbally violent for several weeks now over little things -and yes I mean LITTLE fixble, preventable, or at least compromisable things- I have respect for her expectations and especially her home but my problem is in dealing with her aproach to handeling her stress with outragious yelling (spitting and growling), bizarre behaviour (throwing objects and hitting/grabbing), in her spuratic fits pf rage. My whole family of friends can vouch that those who are in direct relation to my mother (that is, they live with her) have extreme hypertension which is developed over a short period of time -I don't think this is a coincidence but rather her influence.

Whle my family has lived here we have witnessed neumerous 'blowouts' (as she calls them) between her and her third husband (who is passive-agressive and violent) once lasting three days and resulting in proposed divorce, fists in walls and bags packed. They curse profanities and threaten the safetey of everyone around them with their violent actions -meanwhile my children are terrified and can't help but be on guard (this means listen attentively and hide).

She yells and yells and yells about things that normal humans generally talk about. She jumps to conclusions that noone and nothing will or can amount to her expectations and yet all my life it's been 'do as I say and not as I do' and to what means was that!?! So one day I may out-perform her (well that sure happened) or so she could have control over what she had already damaged!?! Whatever it was I am certain that my mother has not faced the wrath she has dealt!

After three months of dealing with the 'your a bad mother' speach and the imoral behaviour of my 'paretial figures' I too snapped and yelled back and slammed my bedroom door. Well, that did it, and boy did I recall in an instant that there is no end to the bitchery of my mother! Finally, two weeks after I snapped at her she is still bombarding me and my family with cursing.

I should tell you about the conspiracies she develops...


Life is many things, but only what we make of it - yet life is not our destiny, for destiny becomes of it!

Life offers challenges, as when lives rearrange, and when difference is upon us… as all things will change.

We will accomplish any challenge, any task at hand, only by knowing change is what we must understand.

To recognize some changes are destined to succeed, and learning to adapt is really all we need.

We will make our choices, by gathering all the news, and by knowing to make a choice we must simply choose.

To see that certain choices are destined to be made, and learning that by not choosing our destiny is laid.

Make the best of how things work, and things will work out best, honour what has been accomplished, and learn from all the rest.


To Judge or not to Judge...

Is life a story? Be it a movie an ebook, a novel or a sitcom? A story which you watch or play? Plase don't tell me about God or some greater power as religion is as diverse as the races and languages within the world. Do you watch the story or are you acting? Judging or being judged!?! Or is jugdgment not present in your peaceful life of equality -can you meet in the middle and balance them both? Be judged and also judge?

ME -myself- and... I

I'm not a bad nor self-centered person but ather I come here to post, or 'vent' my be the term best recognized, about things I can not share nor express in my physical life yet I desire (and in some cases require) feedback, inspiration or an opinion to ponder.

Let me start with an intro to the life -and I'm excluding descriptive grammar purposely for now- I have lived... what many have said is a trialing adventure of circumstantial events persevered by blind determination to an endless means -basically, what I think of as simply a lifetime.

I may be a bit self focused at times but I am fully aware on many levels of what surrounds me most of the time and am constantly noticing the needs of things which do not consern me. I know I could help but at the same time there is no time in my busy life.

I must admit -before going full force into this blog- that I may have some mental health issues, but perhaps you will judge that yourself (of course you will, your human!) I have my oppinions but let's keep in mind that oppinions are simply an independant conclusion influenced by a collection of circumstantial factors -in other words, pointless to anyone but ones self!

I am interested, and have explored in some ways, many ventures through life thus far and invite you to read as I post and share your stories, thoughts oppinions or whatever you may.


A Downward Spiral -Dizzy and Drowning

Its been nearly a year now...

Post-pardom depression hit me two years in a row and rewened my marriage... I just coldn't handle it Iguess but there was als his lies and alcoholism -he ran up bar abs so high we were evicted every month from our appartment for nine months until I finally applied for social assistance regardless of the name his mother then called me (I apparently didn't want the career I just completed colege for -and paid for myself with money I earned as a waitress). He was in and out of jobs until he became a long-haul trucker and we were consiquently forced to move to a different city -and the worst of them all for a new mother with depression- with no friends nor family and stranded at home endlessly in a heavily populated metropolitan area and no means to get arround with one infant and a new baby...