Ugh...bathing suit shopping :(

In the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice -- she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror: my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read: 'Material might become transparent in water'.

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. With or without a bathing suit.

My forgetter is broken...

Forgetter Be Forgotten
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
or when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE???
Please send this to everyone you know
because
I DON'T REMEMBER
WHO I SENT THIS TO!

Gotta love the media for only honoring the unimportant celebs and blowhards

You're a 19 year old kid.


You're critically wounded and dying in


the jungle somewhere in the Central Highlands of Viet Nam .



It's November 11, 1967. LZ (landing zone) X-ray.






Your unit is outnumbered 8-1 and the enemy fire is so intense from 100 yards away, that your CO (commanding officer) has ordered the MedEvac helicopters to stop coming in.



You're lying there, listening to the enemy machine guns and you know you're not getting out.


Your family is half way around the world, 12,000 miles away, and you'll never see them again.


As the world starts to fade in and out, you know this is the day.


Then - over the machine gun noise - you faintly hear that sound of a helicopter.


You look up to see a Huey coming in. But.. It doesn't seem real because no MedEvac markings are on it.



Captain Ed Freeman is coming in for you.



He's not MedEvac so it's not his job, but he heard the radio call and decided he's flying his Huey down into the machine gun fire anyway.





Even after the MedEvacs were ordered not to come. He's coming anyway.



And he drops it in and sits there in the machine gun fire, as they load 3 of you at a time on board.



Then he flies you up and out through the gunfire to the doctors and nurses and safety.




And, he kept coming back!! 13 more times!! Until all the wounded were out. No one knew until the mission was over that the Captain had been hit 4 times in the legs and left arm.





He took 29 of you and your buddies out that day. Some would not have made it without the Captain and his Huey.



Medal of Honor Recipient, Captain Ed Freeman, United States Air Force, died last Wednesday at the age of 70, in Boise , Idaho



May God Bless and Rest His Soul.




I bet you didn't hear about this hero's passing, but we've sure seen a whole bunch about Lindsay Lohan, Tiger Woods and the bickering of congress over Health Reform.



Medal of Honor Winner Captain Ed Freeman

No more emails...

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAILS CONCERNING MY DOG... Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six people wearing Casey Anthony tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks and three flag burners. FOR THE LAST TIME... MY DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!!!!!!..

Math in America...

MATH (1957 - 2011) IN AMERICA


Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2.00, and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. Why do I tell you this?



Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:


1. Teaching Math In 1950s


A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?


2. Teaching Math In 1960s


A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Math In 1970s


A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?


4. Teaching Math In 1980s


A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Math In 1990s


A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)


6. Teaching Math In 2000s


If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, s%~, sexual orientation, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you. There are no wrong answers.


7. Teaching Math In 2011


Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

OLD FOLKS TEXTING CODES

ATD: at the doctor... BFF: best friend fell... BTW: bring the wheelchair... BYOT: bring your own teeth... FWIW: forgot where i was... GGPBL: gotta go pacemaker battery low... IMHO: is my hearin aid on?... LMDO: laughing my dentures out!...

HAPPY IVGLDSW DAY!!!!!!

Happy IVGLDSW Day!
> Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn out and screaming 'WOOO HOOOOO what a ride!'

> To the Girls !!



Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what happened.





Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cakes.





The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.



I refuse to think of them as chin hair. I think of them as stray eyebrows.





Old age ain't no place for sissies.




Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.





If you can't be a good example ~ then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.



I'm not going to vacuum until Dyson makes one you can ride on.




Behind every successful man is a surprised woman


Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.





When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!!!

Understanding...

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell.
He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of
his yard.
As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked
down into the eyes of a little boy.

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from
fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a
handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the
dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the
doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a
somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's
side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like
these other dogs would.."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.

In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a
specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone
who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and
picked up the little pup.

Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy... "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique

recommended in all the latest psychological journals.

The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.



1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out
over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running
water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out
the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There -- See? -- It really does work.
You're smiling already.

Too funny...

My wife and I were dressed and ready to go out for my wife's Birthday. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, runs back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night, so she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon.
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodnight to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I hurried into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid idiot was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.