Chatnip Offline

54 Happily married Female from Mount Dora       494
         
Life is good.

I will give you my all and never ask for anything in return except a smile.

Yes, I am AFOL. If you have to ask, you wouldn't understand.

I dance like Elaine Benes.

I've read all of Anne Rice but never that pulp pablum called "50 Shades".

* I believe that Dave Grohl should be my coffee date at any
given time
* Yes, I have seen Springsteen 22 times. No, he doesn't have
a restraining order against me
* Left a lipstick print on Arnold Schwarzenegger's T shirt
(literally walked lips first into massive man boobies).
* I can tap dance (horribly tho)
* Lived in 5 states and Cancun between 18-21 (No, not a
Carnie! Former Travel Agent).
* Aquadexterious

Oh Yeah - I'm all flavors of Awesomeness too

Chatnip
Chatnip:
*I'd like to apologize in advance for what you are about to read.

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a coward in front of your older brother's friends. It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of crap in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The crap / water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your butthole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours. You're broken. Your butthole's broken. Your spirit's broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a shit stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.
3 days ago Report Link
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derekrn69
derekrn69: How’s your butt??
2 days ago Report
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shelbiezme
shelbiezme: Oh the joys of turning 50
1 day ago Report
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Wingman777 1 day ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip to Jenni Jenni Jenni: How I picture Tipsy when she is out tanning with you
4 days ago Report Link
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Jenni Jenni Jenni
Jenni Jenni Jenni: Baha omg that's to cute lol and that would be her lol
4 days ago Report
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cjwskiram
cjwskiram: Why on Earth would you down a laxative on dare?
3 days ago Report
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Jenni Jenni Jenni
Jenni Jenni Jenni in reply to cjwskiram: Who said anything about that
2 days ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip: Good morning!
5 days ago Report Link
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rockislandred1
rockislandred1: the baby is growing fast, and you still have the best smile on wire
5 days ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip to jims7180: Still no
8 days ago Report Link
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jims7180
jims7180: i think difficult is your middle name
6 days ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip: I think “I can’t post a pic” is yours
5 days ago Report
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Chatnip
11 days ago Report Link
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Chatnip
Chatnip changed her profile picture: 12 days ago Report
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didyoumissme
didyoumissme: This is a good picture..you are amazing.
1 month ago Report
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vikingodin29
vikingodin29: Beautiful pic
27 days ago Report
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ruphisleaking
ruphisleaking: yowza
27 days ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip changed her profile picture: 13 days ago Report
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couldwont
couldwont: archer lol
13 days ago Report
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rockislandred1
rockislandred1: lol love it
13 days ago Report
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(Post deleted by Chatnip 12 days ago)
Chatnip
13 days ago Report Link
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Chatnip
Chatnip: Sitting on leather car seats today like....
14 days ago Report Link
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rockislandred1 14 days ago Report
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Chele1L
Chele1L: Ahuh!
14 days ago Report
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Chatnip
14 days ago Report Link
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rockislandred1
rockislandred1: never tell a drunk trout what to do
14 days ago Report
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Chele1L
Chele1L: Good one! My dad and Jim Beam were Buddies and trout fishing was his speciality! 🐠
14 days ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip: 1st birthday for my boy ❤️
14 days ago Report Link
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rockislandred1
rockislandred1: happy happy pretend thats catnip
14 days ago Report
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Chele1L
Chele1L: lol awesome!
14 days ago Report
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dm5357
dm5357: Love you bio...
2 months ago Report Link
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dm5357
dm5357: thanks...
15 days ago Report
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Chatnip
15 days ago Report
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arthurloon50
arthurloon50: no what
15 days ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip: No to adding you
15 days ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip: My Squishee ❤️
18 days ago Report Link
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Chatnip
Chatnip: Place:Mount Dora
Temp: 90 degrees
Attire: Leather skirt

This can’t end well
20 days ago Report Link
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closeupgreengel57
closeupgreengel57: All rise lol
20 days ago Report
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sunbakedfishy
sunbakedfishy: picture or its not true!
19 days ago Report
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shelbiezme 19 days ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip: Amazing energy at the Amway Center in Orlando last night. Can I hashtag President Trump here? By the way, this was 2 hours before he came on. By 8 pm it was standing room only
28 days ago Report Link
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Chatnip
Chatnip: I love my country and support our President
20 days ago Report
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sunbakedfishy
sunbakedfishy: she is smart, she supports the one that don't give stuff away to everyone for " free"
19 days ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip in reply to sunbakedfishy: ❤️
19 days ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip: I thought this was CountryGuy last night but I’m sure he’s in the hospital
28 days ago Report Link
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BackwooodsBarbie
BackwooodsBarbie: hilarious
21 days ago Report
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sunbakedfishy
sunbakedfishy: The sign is the best part
19 days ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip in reply to sunbakedfishy: 🤘🏼
19 days ago Report
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Chatnip
21 days ago Report Link
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couldwont
couldwont: there is no devil, but there are effing spiders
21 days ago Report
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Sssssstirred1
Sssssstirred1: too funny....video at 11
21 days ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip changed her profile picture: 3 months ago Report
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rockislandred1
rockislandred1: hubba hubba
3 months ago Report
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busxlxl
busxlxl: I really dig that photo
2 months ago Report
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farmallfarms
farmallfarms: Nice picture and I love your profile .
22 days ago Report
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Chatnip
Chatnip changed her profile picture: 19 days ago Report
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(Post deleted by Chatnip 1 month ago)
jims7180
jims7180: stop deleting my comments lol
1 month ago Report
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Fireman_Bill
Fireman_Bill: Very attractive!
16 days ago Report
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