WTF

So you all know me have heard my stories had my support and kindness well here's what my sister has to say about me let me know what you think...

So in response to your correspondence with your adoptive parents here I go. You and you are alone responsible for your choices that you have made in your life. You have chosen to throw your life away when everything was handed to you on a silver platter. Chico State completely paid for three cars of which one you totaled on purpose which made the sherriffs department drag the river for your body. While the two people who loved and cared for you put their lives on hold waiting to hear if you were alive or not. Then the sherriffs finding you and you refused to call and let them know you were ok. You also spray painted their basement with your so called friends. Taking everything you could from them. All your fault. Now let's fast forward through the jail times and YOU calling them cussing them out and hanging up on them because your not even responsible enough to take care if your child
which is another entire tragedy that you have put her through. I can't even fathom having a child and signing her away like a children's toy. You don't even know what you have put her through. Along with sitting on your ass and not being there for her while she was in the ICU every day but then again I know how busy you were. Don't even go there you couldn't get there. What a line of shit that is. You get whatever you want for you and you always have. You can work you proved that all through high school and at Wal-Mart you just choose not to and play the false victim. You should be ashamed of yourself. Your health issues would probably go away for the most part if you would get off your ass and walk do some push ups off the wall etc. I am sure you gave figured out a way to get a free phone so you have all day long to look on utube for free healthy meals and exercises that you can do
with your body weight. Feel free to not contact your adoptive parents and the child you gave up. You don't create anything but sadness and hurt. I am sure you have access to free physciatric help.

The Decision TRIGGER WARNING!!

The moment happens so fast, yet time seems to stop. You are still beyond mere calmness, you heart pounds in your ears. Your head seems to swim, and your scalp feels tight as if it is over stretchered against your skull. Your hands move as though they are not your own as though some invisible force his directing their motion. You are hyperaware yet so far away. If you are in the bathrooms you take one last quick glance into the mirror. You may register the swollenness, the angry redness about your tear filled so empty eyes. You don’t think, you just act, the bottle cradled limply in your sweat drenched hand as the invisible force, the puppet strings of infinite sadness, in one swift movement wrench the lid from the bottle now held in the over tight grip of your possessed hands. You sigh a deep release of all the breath, and in that last act of desperation the once gentle hands commit the act of self-violence that you have been so longing to perform. As your hand snaps back as does your so weary head with your ears still pounding from the rush of fear and adrenaline and the poison of choice or simply of convenance pours into your welcoming mouth, you close your eyes. The poison hits your tongue, your mouth slams shut, and you start the laborious task of chewing and forcing down the pills that rest like bitter rocks in your cheeks. Your hand searches franticly for the facet as you lurch forward try to get a pull of water as you seek to aid the delivery of your only believed relief for such deep pain. You rase back up one more glance in the mirror, you see your lips ringed with a think white crust, a visual confirmation of the sin you have just committed. The thick paste slides like concrete down the back of your throat, you cough, choke, almost gag as the fatal sludge makes its way to your twisting insides. The deed is done. You wipe the tale tell chalkiness from your face with an almost limp arm. One more last glance in the mirror. You almost feel proud you defeated your strongest instinct by shear force of will, the desire for self-preservation. Now we wait. You slump onto the toilet, head down, hands clasped between your knees. This is what you wanted, what had enveloped your thought for far to long. Your belly feels warm, the sit gently waiting to succumb. The forever sleep. The faucet drips seem to echo in your small space growing louder and louder. Suddenly you snap out of the trance, your mind seems to fly back into your awareness. Your stomach twists even more violently and the numbness, the emptiness, the longing that drove you to this point completely disappears as your now clear mind starts to scream back into life, your body is hit with the sharp heat of panic rolls over your entire being in a wave of clarity. Your inner voice roars back to life as your instinct to survive takes hold and only these words echo in your mind over and over what have I done. The urge to save yourself takes complete hold and you barrel out of the bathroom your feet seem to not even be touching the floor. You fumble for the phone on the counter. You are breathing as through you have just run the most important race in your life. You dial you number the operator asks you what is your emergency? You answer in a trembling voice that is almost a whisper, you hate the words that issues from your glistening lips. You pour out in a simple manner as possible that you have done something stupid, the embarrassment, the shame, the cowardness hangs on your breath and fills your very soul as you give your location. The operator seemly unconcerned about the chemicals stewing in your gut, takes her leave and goes back to handling real emergencies. You were told to go sit out front and await who ever they choose to divert to your inconvenient act of selfishness, now we wait not for the sweet icy grip of death, but for the humiliating continuance of life. Sirens start to float in on a gentle breeze, but cut short as they enter the neighborhood, they wanted to get here quickly but your issue is not urgent enough to need to disturb anyone’s slumber. You see the lights coming down the street. Hang your head, with your hands clasped between your knees. And you wait to be wrapped in a blanket, ushered into the back of the ambulance and driven to the hospital. As you sit silent in the back you think was this worth it all the eye rolls, stern looks, black gunk in your belly, the 72 hours of glorified babysitting. Do you regret picking up that phone, making that call, asking for help, choosing to live? In that moment you feel lower than you did when you pulled out those pills, you feel like a failure, a coward and waste of time and energy. Yes, in that moment you might regret making that decision. But at least your still here to feel that regret. And you decide, you never want to deal with this feeling of lowness and failure again. You get the help you need, you put in the effort to get to know and love yourself. You live your life; you make a career. Now you’re an EMT, the back of the ambulance is now your workshop, where you plie your life saving craft. You ride down a street the sirens cut off as you enter the neighborhood, no need to disturb anyone’s slumber. You pull up and see a young girl sitting tearfully on her front porch her head down her hands clasped between her knees. You bring the blanket, but before you drape it over her heaving shoulders you kneel down gently lift her heavy head look into her eyes and give her the one thing you’ve always wanted when you felt like that, the greatest gift you could give in that moment. You utter softly. “You’re going to be okay, you made the right decision.”

Less dead

The less dead
Those forgotten, unnoticed, and on the edges
The fully marginalized
Hookers, addicts, mentally ill, the homeless, the poor
We are the less dead for our deaths bring no outrage
We vanish, disappear, go missing
No one raises the alarm
Our disappearances go unnoticed, unseen
You could care less
It takes a pile of our bodies
Mass murder
Multiple victims
Before anyone sees a pattern
Puts two and two together
For every suburban house wife that vanishes
It takes three maybe four of our deaths
To even warrant a look in our direction
Maybe they’ll do something maybe not
But us less dead are still humans
With families
Lives
Stories
Struggles
Are we truly less?
No one deserves to die like that
No matter what their prior transgressions
But do not throw us to the wolves
There is a reason we are such common victims
Throw away people
Human prey
To human monsters
Evil predators
That can kill with impunity
Because they choose those
No one will miss
The lost souls
People of the streets
The less dead

The fiddle

Does anyone else hear the fiddle?
Rome is burning
Nero's tune is ringing heavy in the air
The giant is taking it’s last gasps
A nation falls
What will the history books say
Our leaded wine has flowed freely
And Nero has not even reached his crescendo

He lies

He lies
We die
The protests
The unrest
Corporate greed
All those in need
Police violence
Too much silence
Four more years?
More fear more tears
Democracy waylaid
Cuts to Medicare, Medicaid
Post office destroyed
So many unemployed
When will it end?
Hopefully soon my friend

Human

Why can’t I just be a human?
Why must I be this thing or that?
Yes I am a woman
Judge me by my actions
Not my gender
Yes I am mixed race
Judge me by my words
Not my skin color
Yes I am mentally ill
Judge me by what I have overcome
Not my disability
Yes I am a progressive
Judge me by the values I uphold
Not my party
Yes I am fat
Judge me by how happy I am in my own skin
Not your assumptions
Yes I don’t judge others
Simply because we are all just humans
Trying to make since of this crazy world
And I will always be there for you
Rather than against you
For no damn good reason
Just show me how human you are
And we’ll go from there

Tears of Lady Liberty

What have we become?
The land of opportunity
Now
The land of stagnation
Of
Stress and worry
Of
Struggle and trauma
The land of the free
Now
The land of incarceration
Of
Predators and misers
Of
Punishment and injustice
The home of the brave
Now
The home of fear
Of
Intolerance and racism
Of
Silence and complacency
The birth place of democracy
Now
We’ve given birth to an oligarchy
To
Lies and mistruths
To
Greed and selflessness
O how Lady Liberty
Must weep
Her children
Suffering
Her family
Torn apart
Where do we go from here?

....

*I know why so many people believe the lies, because its easier and simpler than dealing with or fixing what's wrong with the truth....*

-Ism

When push comes to shove all the struggles that harm America can actually be boiled down to a single issue, and that issue is mental health. Either your mental state effects your well-being first and you struggle or you face struggles completely out of your control and that deteriorates your mental health. This is connected to every part of life. The brain is the most vital part of the body there is no life without the brain. Yet time and time again the issue is ignored, glossed over, misrepresented, or dismissed outright. The police violence while blacks are twice as likely to be killed by police a severely untreated mentally ill individual is 16 times likely to be killed by police. Our prisons and jails are the largest mental health care facilities in the country at the same time being the completely wrong ones to be in that position. There’s almost no mental health help or improvements that occur in jail, or while homeless or while dealing with deep poverty or addiction or neglect and abuse. With the covid crisis, the eviction crisis, the housing crisis, health care crisis, poverty crisis, the inequality crisis it all turns into one giant country wide mental health crisis. Yet it’s never a major talking point, never a political platform. It seems only to be discussed in passing and a small part of something more politically motivating. The war on drugs turned people who’s only crime was self medicating when there were really no other option into criminals. One of the reasons I think that there’s very little being done about the issue is the language. Mental health doesn’t have an -ism. Sexism, racism, socialism, liberalism, feminism elitism, classism these are all strong words a label you can fight against, or lead the march on. You’re either for or against. Mental health doesn’t have a buzz word. A clear label you can just throw out and everyone somewhat understands what that’s supposed to mean. There’s no real poster child, hell even movement leaders. When brought up it’s experts say or medical professionals say. Yes major stars are often connected with certain issues but that’s usually only after there’s an issue or death. That lack of an -ism I think puts this gigantic and very much maligned, marginalized population at a disadvantage. Also the words that are used to describe people with mental problems are always negative. Crazy, psycho, loony, messed up and so on yet we use these all the time to describe those with different ideologies then ourselves. Right wingers are crazy, the Dems are nuts, these terms are used as insults at every turn. It’s just a unfair and biased as using sex as a insult, or the N-word. The carelessness and the callousness to which these labels are used leave lingering and long lasting damage on the people that actually face mental challenges. We need someone or something to lead the way to real positive change, this is something that literally effects every person in the country at some point. This us the elephant in the room and its going to trample everything and everyone if not addressed and addressed soon. The mental health system needs to be rebuilt for the ground up and mental health care needs to be addressed and provided from birth to grave. We’re missing a great opportunity to actually do something feasible and not too over the top to really accomplish. We can not truly believe that we can effectively handle the issues faced by our country and really over come them without making mental health a top priority and treating it like the major issue it is in our society. Improving the mental health of our very much divided and hurting country is the definite first step in the right direction, because where the head goes the body follows and there are too many heads in dark places right now.

American Dreaming

I lament the American Dream
That bright future that once shined on the horizon
The dream has become a nightmare
Reality has become dark, frightening, almost grotesque
The great promise of Capitalism
Has devolved into unfettered greed
This land of opportunity has become
A quagmire of hopelessness
The home of the free has become
A social prison
Starving those marginalized
Bleeding them dry
Devoid of advancement
And full of trauma and self doubt
The home of the brave has become
The dwelling place of festering fear
Irrational fear
And we are too quick to sacrifice our freedoms
For security and protection from monsters
That are nothing more then the figments of the powers that be imaginations
Political boogeyman
The United States
Is divided
It is painful
To see such division among our fellow citizens
In a time long past we used to be able to stand together
And face the unknown as one nation
We were never perfect
But we took pride in ourselves as a county
The American Dream was just that
A dream
An imaginary goal
Yes I lament the American dream
But,
Perhaps we’ve been asleep to long…