Boldgo Offline

69 In a relationship Male from Sydney       186
         

BDSM Basics

This was to try & explain D/s & BDSM to a friend who has had little involvement in the area.
I started writing this ages ago and then just completely stalled. Basically the problem I encountered was the complexity of it all – it means so many things to so many different people & to so many different degrees.
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I have decided to start again. I may come back to other things I have written, but I am first going to discuss some of the different elements of Dom/sub separately (even though they can overlap at times).

Submission
In submitting the submissive (the “sub”) abdicates responsibility for their actions passing it to the person they have entrusted with that responsibility – the Dominant (“Dom or Domme”). In so doing they are freed of any guilt and able to enjoy a much wider range of activities in a more uninhibited manner.

Note: for the purpose of these discussions I am applying the masculine to the Dom & the sub will be female but the roles are quite reversible. Also it is tradition for the Dom to be capitalized in writing and the sub to be lower case.

The sub looks for directions from the Dom and presumes that the actions will be of a nature designed to please that partner. The sub takes great pleasure in providing sexual stimulation and pleasure for their Dom.

Now, of course, we all should enjoy pleasing a partner but for the sub there is a much greater emphasis in that direction. Indeed for the true sub, it is an essential part of their lovemaking and sex-play and she takes great pleasure in being able to comply with her Dom’s demands.

Domination
This is basically the reverse of the above - the Dom needs to be in charge.

BDSM
Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism

• Sadism
The sadist (as known from the Marquis de Sade) gets sexual pleasure from inflicting pain.

• Masochism
The masochist gets (sexual) pleasure from having pain inflicted.
The obvious question at this point is, "Why?"
How can anyone want that?
Part of the answer lies above in the mindset of the submissive.
But another element of it lies with that fine line that separates pleasure and pain.

It goes without saying that a masochist must also be some form of submissive. However the reverse does not necessarily apply.
There are submissives for whom pain has definite limits.
And that brings me to the next topic, still within BDSM.

• Discipline
The sub who does not do as instructed or fails in such an endeavor will be disciplined/punished in one form or another. This discipline will usually involve some form of pain and therefore establishes the sub as a masochist to a least some degree. Where pain is expressly off limits the discipline will involve the performance of some form of menial task or tasks.

• Bondage
In its ultimate form, bondage is designed to allow the person no form of resistance; they are completely restrained. The person so bound is then able to be used for whatever pleasure the captor desires. This is effectively the most complete form of submission and requires the highest level of trust.

Safe Word
An absolute prerequisite for any form of submission is that the person submitting must have some form of signal that will immediately halt all proceedings.
The Safe Word is that signal. It will be a word that is not commonly used so as to avoid any potential confusion. In more extreme play where the sub may be gagged it will be some form of prearranged and unmistakable gesture.

It is not uncommon for a sub to try and forego having a safe word on the basis that they have complete faith in their Dom. But reality is that people can, and do get carried away.

Effectively the trust that the sub places with the Dom is that, if it used, the Safe Word will be acted on immediately and without question.

Others
There are some more advanced or extreme forms of domination and submission.
-Master/slave
-Owner/pet
-Daddy Dom little girl (DDlg)
Within these, as in items above, there are varying degrees. These are usually roles adopted for (sex-) play but are, in some cases, lifestyle choices.

Ownership
Quite often the sub considers she is “owned” by the Dom and can be said to be “collared” by him. In RL this is extended to the sub actually wearing a choker/collar. In the online environment the sub will send her Dom a photo of her wearing the collar.

Sub or slave?
The difference between the sub and the (sex-) slave is one I have pondered quite a lot.
Essentially the slave must do as they are instructed without question. This might imply the sub has the option not to do whatever, but that is not really the case either. The sub might retain some ability to discuss things first but ultimately they still have to do whatever it is they have been asked.

Limits
It is essential the Dom and sub discuss their limits before they enter into their roles. And while the Dom is almost obligated to test these limits, he will know where they are and he will respect them as they go along. The sub will be as honest as possible in her advice to him and will understand that he will test her limits where possible.

There may be hard & soft limits. A hard limit is one that is simply inviolate; not a place that can be approached. It may not be the sub that necessarily imposes these limits either – there may be places the Dom just doesn’t want to go. A very common & mutually agreed hard limit is blood. At the first sight of any of it, all activity ceases. Another one is pooh – most will just not go there (including myself!).

An example of a soft limit might be bisexual activity. The sub might consider herself straight but might not be totally opposed to some effort in that direction for the sake of curiosity. Another example of a soft limit might be watersports, pee-play. She might be prepared to try it a bit but retains the option of ceasing that direction if it gets too much.

The investigation of that last one is quite common in D/s relationships with the Dom pushing for it to see how far she can go with it while she might try it but retain limits to the degree of it.

Humiliation/degradation
I have only recently decided to include this because, while not all that common, it is definitely a subset of the scene.

Some subs like to be humiliated or degraded. I have a very good, long-term online friend who fits into this category but even now I still struggle to understand it. That said, as usual, there are degrees of it. Most common is using words during sex such as:
‘slut’, ‘whore’, ‘cunt’ for her, & for him, ‘weakling’, ‘gutless’ etc. You get the picture.


The Paradox
This is not understood by all those who like to think they dominate: the ultimate power in a D/s relationship is actually with the sub as she has the power at any point, using the Safe word, to terminate proceedings.

Concluding
The sub’s gift to her Dom of herself is one of love. Part of her trust is that he receives it with all the love and respect she deserves. The true sub, loved nurtured and supported by her Dom, will go to great lengths to please her Dom. He will never cease to appreciate all that she gives him.


peebeemsx5566
peebeemsx5566: well I guess that explains it all...
3 years ago Report
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Karen33405
Karen33405: There are other ways to motivate a slave/sub other than inflicting pain. Pain is just one tool of many that an experienced and skilled Master could use to make his slave/sub comply to His wishes. The secret is to make a slave/sub want to obey and serve. The best kind of slave/sub is one that wants to be one.
2 years ago Report
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Karen33405
Karen33405: I should’ve inserted the word, Dom, as well. Master/Dom.
2 years ago Report
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Boldgo
Boldgo: Karen, very true! (on both counts)
2 years ago Report
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Boldgo
Boldgo: This was meant to be just introductory. That aside, I might add another piece (or 2) to expand on those points as they are very relevant to the whole thing. Thanx for taking the time to add to it!
2 years ago Report
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