Bettyest Offline

I can pull it together. Just watch! (Oh here, hold my beer).

I'm really missing Leo today. Can it really be over 7 yrs since he died? The whole situation was soooo....crazy unreal up to the point of him dying on his mother's birthday. My heart cries for her every Nov 6th. No mom should ever lose their child...ever.
The thing about Leo is we told each other everything. Before I dated him we became best friends.,I would tell him about the guys I had gone out with, the awesomeness and the fails. He told me about his dates too. He wanted to date me, and I refused because I didn't want to ruin what we had and I was kind of terrified to be in a real relationship because I had small children to raise, and I had survived a very volatile marriage.... I treasured his candor and knowing no matter what, we were there for each other.
When I finally agreed to date him, it was great until it wasn't.. Isn't that how it goes? Anyway, yeah, some crazy stuff happened, (cirhosis of his liver) and he got kind of delusional. It was heart breaking. So, no I wouldn't have stayed with him as his gf because I decided I would never raise kids in an alcoholic household again..but if we could have gone back to our true friendship .. ... I am simplifying all of this... Yeah, my heart hurts for him today. He is someone I could talk to, and would tell me he loved me, but that I am probably being stupid...or that I'm NOT being stupid this time..lol I miss that!! I miss him (before he was delusional). I'm struggling with a few things right now (Hey, of course I am...or would I be venting in this silly blog? lol,,, Yanno, I haven't posted of the trips, the horse stuff, or gushed about how proud I am of my kids or have talked about the classes that I aced...because I don't seem to need to vent then...lol..- Although, this isn't a venting post.. It's a I'm kinda sad, and I am going to honor my grief post) but struggle seems to be part of the human condition. I'm gonna honor my grief AND be thankful that I can feel sad (rather than being on autopilot numb). It's self affirmation time. I've come a long way. Yeah, hopefully, I have a long way to go.. Either way, if I died in the next few seconds, hours, days, etc, I hope everyone knows I do feel loved.... and that I do have love for (most) everyone. Oh and in case anyone is reading this, nope, I'm not scheduled to die lol.. at least not that I've been told haha..
There was a scare last year, where I had some medical issues... and.. I realized then, I didn't care if I any of my "dreams" came true as long as my kids were healthy and happy. I already knew that, but... it was cathartic to me that I'd be okay dying aslong as they'd be okay.. Weird..aye? Oh, I'm not okay with dyig right now... just saying... lol... but I still NEED my kids to be healthy and happy... (and if they're going through unhappiness, that they have strong mental tools to pull them back into a healthy, happy mindset).