Bettyest Offline

94 Female from Oregon City       225
         

Shaming

I'm in such a funk! It might be from working two jobs and still running kids around etc etc..and I still feel like I'm failing, I don't have enough time, enough energy, enough capability...or it might be from that I'm a neanderthal and just don't fit in anywhere. I don't even think I speak the same language ..haha... It's probably both! Yeah! So I will find peace in being a a beast in this crazy world! So I have meltdowns..k? Meltdowns are where I am a lone in my car driving somewhere like to work or after dropping the kids off somewhere...and the thoughts come! Sometimes/most times the tears fall.. Stupid tears! Are they angry? Disappointment? Sad? Fear? Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself...and yanno what, that's okay! I once dated this guy, who said he wanted to be there for me during my divorce because he had, had no one during his divorce and he didn't want me to go through everything alone like he did... I was so reluctant to be a girlfriend...but my world had been severely shaken..and I obviously could not be trusted to make good decisions at that time..haha. It turned into one of those "instant relationships" that of course failed... Mostly because I wasn't the happy-go-lucky, carefree gal that he probably imagined... I called him up overwhelmed and crying once... I was falling a part inside... and he said to me, or asked me "Are you feeling sorry for yourself?" DUHHHHHH!!! Yeah, my marriage of 25yrs had failed, my exhubby had traded me in for a newer younger model (his words) and had emptied the bank accounts, my fridge had died, my washing machine had died the downstairs shower door fell off, the dishwasher now died, oh and the kids had let bunnies in the main bathroom so they chewed threw a water line which flooded the bathroom and through the ceiling into the downstairs, and the water heater was making weird noises, and some trees in the back yard had randomly fell down, then one out front fell over onto the horse trailer....etc..etc.. and of course I didn't have any tools (because the ex loaded all tools, cars, etc on the flatbed trailer and hauled it away..) All of this was happening all at once and I was falling apart.... So instead of saying, "DAMMIT, YEAH! ARE U GOING TO COMFORT ME AND BE THERE FOR ME? " I, in typical Betty-fashion, apologized! Whyyy did I feel ashamed of feeling bad for me? Why did I let another person put me in my place??? Ugh.. that verbiage of being "put in my place" has got to go!!! Oh and I didn't even break up with him over THAT...haha...yikes... Wow! I kind of caused the break-up with an angry outburst... Okay okay so I don't know HOW to break up with someone..k? I didn't realize it at the time, but..yeah..... I push away, then if that doesn't work, I increase the pushing.... Or I detach . so they end up breaking up with me... Maybe I'm better off on my own? Or maybe I just haven't met the right man yet.. Idk.. I shouldn't call these meltdowns because I'm not melting..I'm doing okay.. I promise...but I'm imploding..Yeah maybe implosions would be a better term. And no, I have no one to talk to about this.. so I blog, hoping I can make sense out of the senseless or at least control my reactions.. Yes?? Ugh, I had more thoughts on this, but.... I gotta head out and pick up the kids... This will do for now.. I can handle these moments.. I can. I can. I will. I do.