Trying to analyze

My son A says he has never seen his sister act this way with anyone else but me. Sons B, C, D used to argue with her when she'd go on a rant ( as a teen).
She used to say I couldnt make her do anything. Id say fine, but ya aint going to horseback riding today now bcs of this.
She did well in school, was responsible, and teachers, 4h leaders etc considered her amazing to be around. They never heard her go off on me. Now that she's over 18, she now cusses at me. I try not to take her texts to heart. I wrapped a bunch of gifts using wrapping paper she bought. I asked her first. She said use any, use all..so I did. BiG MisTAKE. Hoh boy..i wasted paper.. and she cant find any more of THAT paper. I found a link to THAT paper and said I'd buy her more rolls ( oh by the way, i did not use all of her paper. There is still plenty left. She just wants UNOPENED rolls...). Then she sent texts for me not to order f!@#$% paper bcs thats wasting f!@# money and she still has a lot of paper left.. i think she just likes to criticize me? Oh and then she was angry i didnt wrap the pajamas she got everyone...bcs i said i would but she needed to label which ones went to who.
She is nice and kind to everyone else but me. Ive asked her why.. Im not sure she even knows why. I dont think she hears her voice get snarly when whe talks to me. I have told myself i am imagining it but my sons/her brothers have noticed it.
Last xmas 2022 i was so broke i got each kid a $5-15 gift. The married ones i made sugar snowflake cocoa toppers and sent them a box of cocoa and a $5drink smoker. ( they normally cost $30 but i found Amazon deals). Her, i got a super soft pink balaclava i hoped would keep her face warm when at the barn. She said angrily WHY would i get her that etc etc...I responded " the correct response is thank you.. if u hate it, regift it. Or throw it away..or i can do that for u"
She's nice to others.Honest, she is. She's decent to her dad and his gf according to the boys. Why do i receive her wrath?? She acts like Im stupid.and she's ashamed of me?? I dont want to feel hurt about this any more. Im feeling done with helping her out. I dont want to do irreparable damage to our relationship..ugghh! Im not liking our current interactions though...ugghhhh!

:( venting?? Idk

What is wrong with me? Am i being gaslit? Idk I tried my best to be a loving and decent mother to my children. I did things, any decent parent would do. I don't feel i went above and beyond...I did try to though. It wasn't my children's fault we were poor. I couldve said no to horses, to extracurricular activities but i wanted them to feel capable and able to pursue their dreams. Why is she so condescending? Why does she say i disrespect her when i feel so disrespected and loathed by her? It hurts. So many examples.. Here's a silly one. She posts on Facebook that she's engaged. On Christmas Eve my step sis and step mom called. They asked about her engagement. My daughter was sitting right near me and became unglued that i waa talking about her because I said yes she's engaged. Her fiancee seems nice. My step sis could hear my daughter, and said " Tell her, I asked"... which i did ..but it didn't matter.. Daughter used my car for 2 yrs, put prolly 50k miles on it..trashed it by hauling hay in it, and finally got into a wreck with it. I cosigned a truck for her. I wanted a new car for me but i cant afford the payment...Tonight I'm told i disrespect her bcs i have told people she wrecked my car. But she DID wreck my car! It may not or may have been her fault. Idk..She says she was sideswiped by a state vehicle. She wrecked a previous car of mine too by losing control and going into more or less a ditch..Oh her new truck she hit a deer so was back to driving my car while her truck got fixed. The deer definitely was not her fault..but she got furious when i told my coworkers why i didnt have my car again. Am I being a jerk here??? ( Wrecking cars is obviously a sensitive topic for her..but hey, accidents happen. ) I ask how her fiance is doing and her response is " why do u want to know?"... i respond with " Why wouldn't i want to know?" I'm so confused. She seriously talks to me -says shush, im talking -shuts me up like how her father used to talk to me. I do try to listen but i honestly dont understand...and i tell her im not comprehending what she means which she then brings up any wrong doing ive ever done ( i once hit her in the forehead with a spoon. I did not mean to..but i was so shocked i laughed. I apologized but my apologies are never good enough) It is not her fault i feel triggered and walking on eggshells ( ptsd? from my marriage)...or is that the effect she wants? I'm really sad about this. She now says she is done with me bcs i won't apologize correctly...and she feels disrespected. I said i also feel disrespected..Then she said I'm trying to be the victim... I love her so much..but yeah..if Im toxic to her, she should be done with me, which includes not borrowing my car, leaving her dog with me, etc. I did not say this to her. I actually love her dog..but she goes without seeing the dog for weeks - ( when she's house sitting or when she's flown to be with her fiance)and just expects me to take care of it. When i try to set boundaries, I'm a failure as a mom etc... I feel like a failure. I dont want our relationship gone...but is it already?

Edit: She says I don't recognize venting... The other day Christmas shopping, we both were carrying coffees and packages out to my car. She said she needed help so I hurriedly opened the back of the lexus, and went to grab something from her. She had spilled her coffee..and it was my fault bcs i didnt listen, i didnt help her correctly. I apologized ...but then she went on for over 30minutes of everything wrong with me. I dont listen. I never listen to her. I disrespect her. I never help her. I snapped and said STOP! Ive apologized that u spilled your coffee and u wont accept the apology..you would rather be a jerk-ass! I never help you..ok..find a different car to borrow while your truck is in the shop. Let's spin your truck off of my insurance. Please refi truck in your name. Or lets go sell it back to dealership..i dont care! She then said I don't let her vent..I told her, vent yes..but you are berating me over spilled coffee. She insisted she wasn't berating me... I really do love her..but she exhausts me. Her dad used to follow me around telling me im pathetic...He wanted to argue..and early on in my marriage i fought back but then decided i didnt want to be that person plus arguing with a drunk is senseless... so I just stopped responding...Then he'd get worse.. it makes me cringe and shake inside the things he did. Daughter isnt quite like him but i feel the start of panic attacks when she keeps on and on... i know I'm in charge of my response..i dont know to respond to stop the chaos though and yeah..sometimes i wonder am i as stupid as the ex said is why i cant seem to comprehend what daughter is trying to convey? I feel bullied..but maybe thats just my knee-jerk reaction from the trauma I experienced in my marriage? She's not being violent towards me. He was. I feel mentally jarred right now. If im causing all of this, how do I stop causing it?

Oh the places to go...

Should i go for aba sped grad degree? Or do the alternative teacher route? Or both?
Which program?
Uncommon Schools? Teach For America? Teaching Fellows?
What state do i want to move to?
I definitely don't want to rack up debt.

Life is ok. I waa able to cosign a vehicle for one kid and finance another vehicle for another of my kids. Hopefully in a few months they can refinance their vehicles into their own names... I seriously needzz a new vehicle myself. I got a wheel bearing done..and will hsve the other one that needs done as soon as I can afford it. I also need to get all the pretty lights on my dashboard diagnosed... Daughter put close to 100k miles on it while she was using it. I couldve bought me a new car and let her continue to drive the lexus but..if it broke down then she'd need my new car to drive. She kinda really trashed my poor car. Kids! :: sigh :::
Other news: One boy is out at sea for a bit. Of course I worry but am also excited for him - as long as he's not heading into dangerous territory that is.
My daughter is engaged. Gosh..soon i will be an empty nester. I love my kiddos so much.
My daughter acquired a dog a few months ago. The dog is a blue heeler monster. She is a toy destroyer. She's an awesome dog but soooo horrible in the car. She gets so excited that she immediately starts barking. I had to buy a dog cage barrier because she not only barks, she runs back and forth chasing traffic from inside the car. I first tried a dog-seatbelt but she managed to unlatch it. Then when I attached her leash to a headrest, she ate her leash. Yep, not a good car dog...
One of my boys just rented a really nice home ( per the pics i saw) in DC. He wont be coming home for Christmas because he was here a month last summer. I'd love for all 5 of my kids with their other halves to be together at the same time...Someday oh someday perhaps..
Another boy and his wife went on vacation to Puerto Rico ( for her birthday).
I'm really glad my oldest has found things he is passionate about. He takes care of the birds... i'm trying to convince him to change his major from computer science to veterinary medicine...or at leastlook into it... He loves math but hated creating web pages..He also loves being the bird care taker.
Im really happy all of my kids are doing well. Now to work on me..and figure out how to do well....

what does THIS dream mean?

I've been having vivid dreams lately. I usually have dreams but only remember snippets. This one had comical aspects...but the end of it was terrifying (to me).
I was at work. We were cleaning up from an inside picnic lunch at the school. The cafeteria was bigger than it actually is. Tables were inside and outside. It's like the courtyard had quadrupled in size, and it was almost like a restaurant. I told a student to set the pitcher on the table and she lays it on it's side on the table.... I up-righted it and she had to get a towel. It was like my students were doing nonsensical things, such as laying pitchers on their sides and then being surprised when everything spills.

We went out front to take the garbage out. There was a row of dumpsters in an alcove by the ballet studio (this is not how it really looks...but in my dream this is how it appeared). There was this thick ground cover.. I guess a thicket of green leafy vegetation. It sort of resembled giant bean sprouts. The dumpsters - there might have been 5 of them or more- were all in a row that was higher than the thicket. Students were stepping over the thicket and upon to the cement to throw bags of trash into the dumpsters. I saw a paper plate of sliced grayish tomatoes on a table and handed it to a student who was nearest a dumpster and asked him to please take this and throw it away. Instead of putting it into the dumpster right beside him, he literally throws the plate into the thicket and it disappears.

I have to take something to my car, but now our parking lot has also grown. It's like a giant parking lot. As I get closer to my car, a dirty white/tan van is driving through the parking lot. He rolls down his window and says something, but I didn't understand him. A truck (and I don't remember what it looks like now!) pulled up beside my driver's door. The van stops and opens his side doors. There is another man in the van. He gets out. Actually there might have been two other men besides the driver. I stumble. On the passenger side of my car in the parking lot is a blue cloth office chair. It has wheels. It looks almost like the one I saw at our dumpster this last week. Anyway, I stumble into it and start rolling backwards and basically run into my car. I try to scream, but my voice doesn't work. The men in the truck also get out. I do not know what they are saying.. or don't remember.. but they're trying to abduct me. I'm kicking. My eyes involuntarily close. I am terrified. My arms are paralyzed to the chair's arm rests, but I can kick. I'm angry. What is wrong with my eyes? T I force my eyes open because I am not going to allow this to happen. I just need a weapon. I force my eyes open to see who I am fighting. I woke up.

Me and my insecurities.. Yikes...

I talk to too many people maybe? My gut says be wary.... or maybe this person's words just triggered intense uneasiness in me... Just wow...
When strangers call me dear or beautiful.... that's a SMH at their insincerity.. When strangers tell me I'm their special friend, and I'm going to fit right in... That triggers me going "poof" into the world wide web. I already had the conversation that I welcome friendship but nothing more.....I'm finishing up school, and will probably be moving across the country in June or July.... So now he calls me his special friend..,,and it makes me feel uncomfortable... I dont know exactly why... Maybe he seems a bit unstable....and that scares me.. I have never met this person...and my gut says not to.... Then of course I feel bad for thinking that someone has an agenda...but gosh, so many have agendas. I really value safety...and don't want to be an item on someone's agenda lol...ughhh. SMH

people people

An online friend led another online friend on. Let's call the gaslighting scumbag Steve slimeball and other online friend X.

I considered their relationship none of my business because I know neither of these people....I've chatted with them for years, but have never met them.

Over the last few months - actually years- Steve slimeball called X crazy, that he does not know why she thinks they should be an item. He freaked out when she called his phone# ..and pretended to not understand why she thinks they should have a relationship. He also has said straight out he wanted to date me... I don't do long distance dating...plus I just had a feeling he wasn't forthcoming.... and was being manipulative.


. An example of him not being forthcoming and hiding info was when his female room mate Terry died. He never told anyone he had a female room mate and that they shared a bedroom. but all of a sudden he kept saying he was such a good person because he took care of her...

Okay, then why hide that she lived with you? Was he perhaps married and was lying to her? :: cringe cringe:: (PTSD because my exhubby lied so much about me to others.. So when I figure out someone is a liar, I don't want anything to do with them).

Anyway, how it all became unraveled is I was telling X that Slimeball & I were talking about how much fun it would be to taka trip to Yosemite..... X kinda came unglued. (In a different chat box Slimeball was saying he did not understand what i up with X. ...). I was in no way talking about a romantic trip and I was talking about all three of us going so wasn't understanding why she was becoming upset. However,. he had been telling her he wanted to take her on a romantic vacation (to Yosemite). He of course was denying that he sent her a valentine's gift (it as a get well gift), that he and her were involved. .

She then forwarded me his love texts and love filled voice mails from him to her.. Yeah, she isn't crazy lol.. He was totally love bombing her.... ...

I now feel mucky and icky even having him on my facebook list ... Yeah, he was gaslighting. He tried to claim she was crazy...but he was playing her.. Such a slimy thing to do!

It reminded me so much of my exhubby's actions. My exhubby was dating women, telling them he was single and I was oblivious to it all...until I inadvertently walked in on him and a date.

i take issue with people who gaslight..and malign the reality around other people calling THEM crazy when they in fact are setting them up..

I'm sad that this person is a liar and did not care about how he was hurting our mutual friend. I forwarded him his texts and voice mails he left the other gal, (with her permission ).... I gave him 24 hours to own it ... and to maybe explain? But haha..yeah.. slimy people never seem to recognize that they are the gas lighters. . . I unfriended Steve slimeball on this forum (Wireclub name: Braggerram), and on facebook.

I don't understand why some people are such slimy pieces of garbage? Why lie? Why gaslight? I am thankful X enlightened us (me and some other online friends) of his cringiness. I used to think of him as a decent and kind human. I now view him as pure purulent exudate (aka infectious pus discharge)... I wish such malignant people did not exist. .

Janu-wary.. tears

Another death and January isn't even over. This one punches the nostalgia in me.... He was too young to die. He was someone from high school who used to call me. I even had a crush on him, but when we were walking back from a game, he asked if he could kiss me, the shy high school me said no. Then he never called again. We never walked together again. And he stopped coming to band class. I did miss his friendship. I had hoped we would go out. I actually at that time wanted him to kiss me, but there we were walking down Powell Blvd on the side of the high school, and cars were passing, and I panicked. His sister was also in band.
I always wondered what had happened to him. Over 30 yrs have passed...and now I'm sad to learn that he had been homeless, and he was found deceased in a sleeping bag. I have so many questions that I will not ask. My heart goes out to his family.

Chin up 2023

2023.. Here it is. It has to be a decent year. So far though, gosh, it hasn't. Day 1, Jan 1st, my brother Willard died. That still feels so unreal. Then not having my car and having to bus it or catch a ride to work...and then the last week and especially today my daughter being stressed so is being exasperating and I guess ..ugh..gaslighting (How did I raise a gaslighter?? ), it's been distressing......

I don't know how to handle the gaslighting... She's 20 now... Gosh, maybe it's not gaslighting... but just manipulation? Is there a difference?
So her truck broke down in September so has been at her dad's since September. He has the parts, but has not fixed it yet. Her job is at a horse farm where no buses go. She also needs to take care of her horses and buses don't go there either... She used one her dad's extra cars but then wrecked it......so now she's been using my car. I basically have to make an appointment to use my car.. Anyway, I'm frustrated about it.. She's not paying rent, but does pay a barn to board her horses. I said, we need to solve this. Maybe you need to contact a mechanic to fix your truck, or look and fix the car you wrecked or buy another car. ARRRGGGHHH! Next think I know, I am stressing her out...and she doesn't feel she has to talk to me about this. I swear it felt like dealing with my exhubby! I then said, I do not know why your anger is directed at me. Why are you angry with me? She insisted she wasn't.. Then started going off about how I never help her at the stables, I never dump the wheel barrel.. All I do is stand around on my phone. First off, when I go out there, I do work. I lunge horses, I water, I muck stalls, and I definitely dump wheel barrels of horse poop... And I told her as much and that she knows I do. but that, that has nothing to do with me wanting my car back...and her figuring out a new set of wheels. I refused to engage anymore.. but I feel jarred inside. It's like her dad all over again, yelling at me for stuff HE did or didn't do.. It shocks me that she's like this. It breaks my heart actually. It makes me not want to associate with her...but gosh she usually is this amazing young lady.... or at least used to be for the most part. :: sigh ::: I don't understand it.
I want to move a way....and not take her with me, at the least leave the disrespect and gaslighting behind.. Of course I want her to be safe and happy. I want that for all of my chidren. I'm just still jarred at how her yelling, and gaslighting revived old memories... and filled me with panic. I was not unsafe in this situation with her.. but wow.. the revived feelings of how I was NOT safe with her father.... Will those memories just stop? Please?

Positives.. I must focus on the good..... So the school district I work for will pay for credits in advance. Good news! I waitlisted for a couple of classes, but they never opened... so now will have to wait til Spring term...or possibly find another college that offeres what I need that has later starting classes? Maybe an online university? PSU will accept 12 transfer credits...and I only need 8 to get BS.. I need 12 if I go for a psych minor.... I need one SSDA course and a KVR to get BS according to the DARs. (plus 1 psych.. Psych has a SSDA attribute so I will ask if just taking a Psych course will fulfill both the SSDA and Psych requirement when I reach out to an accademic advisor this next week).

Other positives. I am checking out another graduate school via webinar this next week. With PSU I can do sped with CBABA (behavioral analysis).... but there are some online universities that might be better... PSU is telling me I should apply for graduation and for graduate school NOW...but I still have those 2 or 3 classes I must finish first... Hopefully it's only 2 classes! There's also Certified Autism Specialist. It uses Behavior Analysis.... hmmm.. I kinda think CAS would be more fun...but CBABA prolly pays more.... There might be other things out there too that would better align with my heart and still make good $$ ..

Goals: I want a beautifull home on acreage. And I need at least one barn. I also want to travel at least once in awhile.... I have so many projects I want to do! Many include writing, music, art, and ... well I have many causes I'd like to help. I think firstly, if people knew how to access tools and opportunites for their own emotional, & spiritual sufficiency, then it might create connections, more empathy, and less violence, heartache, and self destruction. How does one instill love in others? And more pointedly instill love-with-intention for oneself and for others? People, like horses, need jobs. We need work, and passions to work for and on to create hope.... And each of us has different passions...so yes, different work.

My kids are my world. My hopes are that they be good humans, pursue their passions (without hurting others), be healthy, happy, and self sufficient. I want to always be there for them. I am kinda feeling depleted today though...so I post this with the intent of turning my downward spiral into an amazing spiral staircase.... (And remarkably, I do feel somewhat better now).

Graduate school? Ohhh what should I do???

So I've been going to school for like 30yrs now.. (Some interruptions of course)...

I want to follow my heart but also make decent $$... I have loved and still love being a mom. I currently enjoy working with students. The end goal is to always have our children/students to be good people (not hurt others) reach self sufficiency, be lifelong learners, pursue passions, and acquire new goals, and have the tools to deal with interruptions, eruptions, sink holes and trouble infestations.

I might go for my teaching license, but am also considering applied behavioral analysis certification....

I have fun giving others ideas..... or embellishing upon their line of thinking creating AHA moments for them. It's so awesome when ya see something click with a student, which then inspires them to go further and further. Many times, it is them not knowing alternative options exist so they just feel stuck. That's kind of like my life too... I know there are so many other options out there, but I have no idea what they are.
Like I think ABA might be the way to go, but also it might be mind numbing repetitious work. What else exists? (But if I made $$ I could pursue heart work in other avenues...yes?)

I'm positive I don't want to be a psychologist because I get annoyed when people keep repeating the same thing over and over then are surprised they get the same results. Also I get sucked into people's sadness.. I already have walls.. I would have to create even more walls... which might alienate me from being a good listener. Plus I don't want to listen.. I want to inspire. I want to fix...or create a world where people fix themselves.

I have some huge personal issues going on right now.. Okay, they're not technically my issues.... but gosh, what's a mom to do? I can't really go into it right now.. I feel like the other shoe is about to fall...Is there anything I can do to promote a healthier outcome? I wish I could set up a mentorship for those who need it. (haha I might even need one of those! And the mentor would tell me to set up personal boundaries.... Auuuuuggghhh! ).

Anyhoo, this is just me processing my surroundings, speculating what should I do or not do....

This not having a car is getting sooooo old. Okay, I have a car...but my girl child has been needing to use it... So I should rephrase that sentence into "My girl child not having a working vehicle is getting old!".. Yeah, much better lol...

So back to the first thingy. I'm excited that I'm sooo close to completing the BS. I need to apply for graduation, and figure out IF grad school is in my future. It could be....but is it worth it? Money would solve a lot of the issues I'm facing. It would even solve some of the issues my kids are facing, in that I could provide them with more opportunities to reach for a higher level of self sufficiency, and push them to paths that they can pursue.... Yeah, I kind of am talking in riddles... but I need to vent, but I don't want to vent to the world. I don't want the shoe to drop! I want whoever owns the shoe to put it where it belongs, and get a new pair of shoes, then march into life with gusto, purpose, and feel hope in each step.








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I can pull it together. Just watch! (Oh here, hold my beer).

I'm really missing Leo today. Can it really be over 7 yrs since he died? The whole situation was soooo....crazy unreal up to the point of him dying on his mother's birthday. My heart cries for her every Nov 6th. No mom should ever lose their child...ever.
The thing about Leo is we told each other everything. Before I dated him we became best friends.,I would tell him about the guys I had gone out with, the awesomeness and the fails. He told me about his dates too. He wanted to date me, and I refused because I didn't want to ruin what we had and I was kind of terrified to be in a real relationship because I had small children to raise, and I had survived a very volatile marriage.... I treasured his candor and knowing no matter what, we were there for each other.
When I finally agreed to date him, it was great until it wasn't.. Isn't that how it goes? Anyway, yeah, some crazy stuff happened, (cirhosis of his liver) and he got kind of delusional. It was heart breaking. So, no I wouldn't have stayed with him as his gf because I decided I would never raise kids in an alcoholic household again..but if we could have gone back to our true friendship .. ... I am simplifying all of this... Yeah, my heart hurts for him today. He is someone I could talk to, and would tell me he loved me, but that I am probably being stupid...or that I'm NOT being stupid this time..lol I miss that!! I miss him (before he was delusional). I'm struggling with a few things right now (Hey, of course I am...or would I be venting in this silly blog? lol,,, Yanno, I haven't posted of the trips, the horse stuff, or gushed about how proud I am of my kids or have talked about the classes that I aced...because I don't seem to need to vent then...lol..- Although, this isn't a venting post.. It's a I'm kinda sad, and I am going to honor my grief post) but struggle seems to be part of the human condition. I'm gonna honor my grief AND be thankful that I can feel sad (rather than being on autopilot numb). It's self affirmation time. I've come a long way. Yeah, hopefully, I have a long way to go.. Either way, if I died in the next few seconds, hours, days, etc, I hope everyone knows I do feel loved.... and that I do have love for (most) everyone. Oh and in case anyone is reading this, nope, I'm not scheduled to die lol.. at least not that I've been told haha..
There was a scare last year, where I had some medical issues... and.. I realized then, I didn't care if I any of my "dreams" came true as long as my kids were healthy and happy. I already knew that, but... it was cathartic to me that I'd be okay dying aslong as they'd be okay.. Weird..aye? Oh, I'm not okay with dyig right now... just saying... lol... but I still NEED my kids to be healthy and happy... (and if they're going through unhappiness, that they have strong mental tools to pull them back into a healthy, happy mindset).