Awesome Emily Offline29 • Female •
Awesome Emily: Divorce case in court:
Judge says to kid "Do you want to stay with your daddy?"
Kid "No he beats me"
Judge "Do you want to stay with your mummy?"
Kid "No she beats me"
Judge "Well then who do you want to live with?"
Kid "The Arsenal team! They don't beat anyone!".
Awesome Emily: BREAKING NEWS: Yesterday, a 45-year-old man was going to bed heard thieves in his garage. So he called the police. Unfortunately, the officer on the phone told him they don't have any police officers free at the moment. The guy hung up and then called again in a moment and tells the officer:
- it’s about these thieves in my garage. Don't bother coming anymore Ive shot them.
After literally 2 minutes, 4 police cars, Armed response, counter terrorists, ambulances,..... Thieves were obviously caught.
Police officers had a chat with the gentleman
Officer says - “ You said you shot them! “
Gentlemen - “ And you said you don't have a free police car “ .. 🤣🤣🤣.
Awesome Emily: A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."
"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "It used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,
"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"Un fucking-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.
"In-fucking-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients.... How ya doin', Dave?"
Awesome Emily: All through school I tried to work out what made my teacher tick ??
Turns out it was correct answers .........
Awesome Emily: Everybody thinks I'm crazy because I hear voices in my head ...
but without that little voice in your head,
you wouldn't be able to read this.......
Awesome Emily: The Polite Way to Pee 💦
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" ☺
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 😠
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 😏
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? 😠
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' 😳😳
The teacher fainted...😂😂.
Awesome Emily: I asked my Doctor, "How do you determine whether an old person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger"
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?".
Awesome Emily: A Leaflet came through the door today it said: "If you are an Alcoholic, call this number"
So I did and it was the Off Licence!!!!.
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julesr: so made me laugh this,,,,
Certainly the Stags performed better than my "Tractor Boys".. looking like a long hard season ahead for us,,,,, we may well end up playing Stags next season, unless they pass us on their way up!,,lol Jx