Lucy

When you need a tent, or a great big tarp,
Or a huge fish net to grab a carp;
Or a great big sheet for a king size bed,
Or a tablecloth for some super-sized bread;
When you need a large sail for your 80-foot boat,
Or your pet woolly mammoth needs a brand new coat,
There is enormous truth in the clothesline rumors,
You can always count on Lucy's plus-sized bloomers.

Progdson's Regrettable Departure

For those of you who may have wondered what happened to Progdson, here is the official story:

Prog was on a camping trip, and was bathing in the river. Upon seeing his exposed hairy moobs, a Yeti mistook Prog for a female of its kind and tragically loved poor Prog to his demise. His screams were in vain, as they were merely perceived as a mating call and only increased the intensity of the amorous activity. We will miss our old anally-fixated chat friend, and remember him fondly. If only your enlarged furry moobs had not finished you off in the end! You are the “d werd,” the iggy, and the smiley face of our memories, Prog.
[With thanks and credit to southeasterner for co-creating this journalistic masterpiece.]

Hilarious video - Goodbye Trump, Aussie style

twitter.com/rexchapman/status/1325840720360562692?s=10

Cold Brew Coffee

Agi’s Cold Brew Coffee Tips:

-Use coarsely ground coffee beans, dark roast with a chocolate undertone is best, like a South American or Central American bean;
- Use more grounds than you would for hot coffee;
- Place them in a Bodum pitcher (Amazon for about $13, or you can just use a French press), and stir slightly, cover;
- Place in refrigerator 8-12 hours (the longer the more bitter, the shorter the sweeter);
- Remove from fridge, stir slightly, press using the Bodum strainer or French press, serve over ice.
- If you are concerned about your cholesterol, the oils in coffee can raise LDL. If you run it through a paper filter it will remove most of those oils. I place a paper filter on a tall glass and pour it in bit by bit to filter it.

Link to Bodum coffee maker:

https://www.amazon.com/Bodum-K11683-01WM-Coffee-Maker-Black/dp/B083JXKVMP/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=1MLI1MUCOWMSZ&dchild=1&keywords=bodum+cold+brew+coffee+maker&qid=1597168766&sprefix=bodum+cold+brew%2Caps%2C180&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUFGQlZQNFhGMVhOUDMmZW5jcnlwdGVkSWQ9QTAxNzY0MTk2N0dRWjVZTUJSQjEmZW5jcnlwdGVkQWRJZD1BMDk0NDg2NE5SOEtERDgyNE9DOSZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=

Open Invitation: Ted Talk Club

This is an open invitation to anyone who would like to meet here: Chatroom: Ted Talk Club on Thursdays at 10:00 p.m. GMT (that's 6:00 p.m. EDT, 5:00 p.m. CDT, 4:00 p.m. MDT, 3:00 p.m. PDT, 11:00 p.m. BST, and our Aussie and Kiwi friends will need to do their own calculations).

Please come prepared to suggest a TED Talk video (or any other video you find interesting and want to share and discuss - no more than about 20 minutes, please, and preferably shorter). I will randomly select a chatter from those present to post their video. Be prepared to post a YouTube link. We will then watch it together, and discuss.

The hope is this will be a friendly place to watch and talk about something interesting, and not attack others. If you are not prepared with a video, feel free to come anyway and just let me know you are out of the drawing for that session. I hope to see many of you there!

Sprayed by Skunk

Here is a summary of what I did last night after being sprayed by a skunk during my run along **** Blvd. after nightfall (I didn't take a direct hit - it just got my leg and clothes a little).

The ensuing revelations:
(1) apparently that dark little figure by the tree was not "just a small dog which got taller as I approached,"
(2) apparently my superpowers do not enable me to bolt faster than a skunk can spray once I realize what is happening,
(3) that smell still present a mile later was not "just in the air," and
(4) When you walk in the house reeking of skunk and stinking the place up, [your wife] has no sense of humor whatsoever!:

- threw out all the clothes I was wearing (I needed new running shoes badly anyway)

- moved clothes outside after they stunk up the garage even though they were sealed in a plastic bag

- showered and scrubbed with soap about 20 times

- spent quality time googling skunk remedies (apparently this is a more common problem for dogs than for people, for which the easiest remedy is: Get a new dog.)

- scrubbed with vinegar

- scrubbed with baking soda

- scrubbed with mixture of vinegar and baking soda

- scrubbed with soap again

- rubbed leg all over [the wife's] pillowcase

- soaked with a product called BioWish I bought from a total stranger whose friend overheard me at Walgreens (it may have actually worked)

- Walgreens pharmacist never heard of "carbolic soap," and does not carry it (so what were you talking about, internet?)

- soaked and scrubbed with tomato juice, producing what would have appeared to be a horrible gory scene in the bathtub (Is tomato juice just a myth? I still am not sure.)

- drank some of tomato juice - rather tasty

- mixed vodka with tomato juice - more tasty

- scrubbed and soaked with mixture of peroxide, baking soda, and dish detergent - not very tasty

- scrubbed and soaked with vinegar again (why did my leg turn blue this time chemistry people?)

- scrubbed and soaked with baking soda again

- scrubbed with soap again and showered off

- sprayed house with deodorizer and opened windows

- peeled off several layers of skin with a carrot peeler and soaked bloody leg in ammonia, bleach, gasoline, battery acid combo; scorched remaining tissue with blow torch

- amputated right leg with a hack saw and fed to a pack of hungry wolves, who whimpered and fled

- placed clothes pins on noses of all members of household

The last step seems to have worked. [The wife] let me sleep in the bed (2:30 a.m.), and we don't smell it anymore. Next time I will eat chili from Fratello's and fight back - the skunk will be in trouble!

To be fair, after the first 20 scrubbings with soap, I really could not smell it anymore unless I put my nose directly against my leg, which, amazingly, I discovered I am still flexible enough to do (with slight difficulty)! I am now odor-free even using this "direct nose-on-leg" method, but if anyone wishes to test with your own nose when you see me, sniff at your own risk.

Yours odorlessly,
[Agi]

Slacker the Luthier

In honor of Slacker fielding my guitar questions and getting annoyed that I regard him as a luthier...

Slacker the Luthier lives in the bush,
He builds his guitars out of kangaroo mush.
He makes them so large that they won’t play a note,
So he sails down the river in his big guitar boat.
Slacker, look out! There are rocks up ahead,
Realign your headstock or I fret you’ll be dead.
Your tuning pegs are Vegemite, your soundboard is odd,
You’d better start learning how to turn your truss rod!

Ode to the Blocked

I don't block people too often, but I had to add a couple to the list recently. In order to atone for this act, I would like to sing a song to them:

To all the girls I've blocked before,
Who chatted in and out my door,
They jabbered on and on,
And now I’m glad they’re gone,
To all the girls I've blocked before.

Running Free

I started my run, but it felt kind of weird,
I ran past the neighbors and they laughed and cheered.
As I passed up the girls, I heard some giggles,
I think they like the way that my little butt wiggles.

I ran around the corner and I felt rather chilly,
A cold rush of air blew right past my willy.
I thought I’d zipped my fly, but now there’s doubt,
I think I might be running with my weener out!

No, It's Not!

"No, It's Not"
(Deep Thoughts by Agi...)

Once a captive in a cave,
Shielded from the world outside;
Finally free to see the truth,
The love, the hate, the crazy ride.

Lovingly formed into a sphere,
Nudged to start its parabolic flight;
Now soaring through the air,
A new perspective from maximum height.

Now falling from its prime,
The fleeting glimpse fading fast;
A landing on a hardened floor,
The grandest views now in the past.

Withering, drying, lost in the dust,
Is it the story of life we all assume?
A thought so deep, no, it’s snot,
It’s a booger I flicked across the room.