Anger tularcitas: I'm happily married, baby son and have a great life. I try not to hate anyone. It doesn't accomplish anything. There is someone in wireclub that just makes me go into a rage. I put him on block and then after a long time I go through a big guilt thing (I hurt him very badly a long time ago) and want to see if he is over it and if we can just co-exist. Sometimes we go for a long time...no words spoken, of course, and then he usually (not me) has to tell the room how much of a %&*#$ I am. I usually just leave the room. Today I flew into a terrible rage. Mostly at myself for having hurt someone so much that they still have it as part of their landscape. Of course I take it out on him. I just don't know what my payoff is in all of this? I guess I just can't stand the fact that someone hates me so much. I guess I'm just hoping that someday he will just fking forgive me.  Cenababy: If he doesn't forgive you, it isn't in his heart. It could also be that he is the type of person that holds loyalty very hard, and if you were disloyal, he has turned his back on you. who knows, the important thing is for you to stop reacting!  Nicotina: The person is bad mouthing you because he knows he can still upset you. It's as though he want to punish you indefinitely. This situation is about power. If he feels he can wield power over you and make you feel bad, he will. The only way to end this is to take the power back from him. He does not get to hurt you because he lacks the maturity to move on with his life. He does not get to hurt you because he is insecure about his masculinity. He does not get to hurt you because of the personality flaws that he has acted upon in the past. He does not get to hurt you because he needs to feel superior to others as he is insecure. He does not get to hurt you because he has anger and control issues. He needs to learn to cope with rejection and loss as an adult. I doubt he will forgive you as he has shown himself to be abusive. It is your choice as to how you react to this person. It is up to you how you want to live your life. There are so many positive things in your life, so much love to be shared. He does not get to hurt you, the decision to allow the hurt is yours. You and your family are worth more than the vitriol he spews!   Pan of the Paniskoi: We cannot control how others feel. We are human; we make mistakes. We choose in situations of imperfect knowledge as best we can. We tell ourselves "it could have been different." If I did this, if she didn't do that. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. The truth is that our past could not have been different; we are the products of our past, as we are the fountains of our future. Anger, which stems from this feeling of "it could have been different," is an emotion that denies the good lessons we brought out of difficult times, and blocks our view of the future. I would wish for you acceptance: acceptance of his choice to lash out in this way, acceptance of whatever you did that you believe justifies him. Let the dead past bury its dead. The world turns, and its turning has brought you to this place, this time, this life. These people. These skills and aptitudes and attributes. There is too much beauty and hope to dwell on the mistake that contributed to your beautiful, hopeful present. Accept that mistake for what it was. Accept it was a brick in the edifice of the life you choose to lead today. Release your anger to that imaginary world where you said and did things differently. In this life, you did as you did because you could do no other. Others may pass judgement on that, but you are not answerable to them. Whatever you are to him is as nothing compared to the truth and fullness of Yourself. tularcitas: Thank you all for these wonderful responses. I can't tell you how much I appreciate them. I have taken it all in. I know that I still have a connection, on my part only, and am unrealistically wanting him to say "Sara, I forgive you. I love you and we will go on with our lives". Intellectually, I know it is never going to happen and I just need to deal with my emotional side on this. To just stand back and see that it is what it is. I totally fucked up and to forgive myself, learn from this and to grow.  Tatrasu 2: every person alters in understanding over time, some faster than others it is up to us to be wise examples, the best way to be an example of love is to show love,,some will say give,,but i dont believe we have the ability to give love to others,,there love is not ours to give them we instill an emotion with our actions only true love really is only unconditional loving caring are separate from being firm,,such as with children,,love them but dont be assaulted or used if it happens again in a room turn the outcome,,and be a fine example of not being jaded,, say something like? i came here only for nice chat,,but the opposite does not seem the same either speak nice or chat with another,you decide? if you are important his reply will show you,,then from there its ignore and harassment if it continues Pan of the Paniskoi: Thoroughly agree. We share in love, we do not give it. We show ourselves to be open to it, we put ourselves out, but we can only build half the arch. If the ones we love cannot build their half, still we have not failed love, not failed ourselves. CrabMeat69: Tular - I appear to have misjudged the emotional processes you consciously process with very pure care. Sometimes, the other person in an emotional twister will be far less capable to demonstrate the same level of selfless directive and healing that you merit.... All I can offer is to suggest forgiving yourself for any wrong you may knowingly be aware of, and forgive the other for being unable to show you peace of mind. And allow your actions and words to be reflective of this non-negative mode of feeling emotions. CrabMeat69: words often fail to adequately convey what can be expressed instantaneously with a glance tularcitas: Love makes us blind...Sacrificing ourselves to make the other look "good" because he asked you to! And what do you get from it? Your friends turning against you...and for what?  Tatrasu 2: its best to be alone if a partner asks you to sacrifice yourself maby some people are still on the deception of sacrifice of religious belief and carry it to personal life? i pass on that and remain single and happy if friends turn against you without looking at whats going on,,do we really want to be with those we cannot trust,,then i dont see them as friends in my offline life,there are few who even remain with me for one day,,i dont go for rude, selfish,aggressive, uncaring,etc etc,, its goodby and no delays doing it, but i do open my arms if they change in the future |
