to spank or not to spank?
Drummers_disease: I'm about to be a father and my wife keeps asking how are we going to disaplin the boys. Can I get some advice?
I'm not against disapline or for it, i just want a fair and creative way not to spank...does that make sence?
Bѻsѕ_Ladʏ: I'd beat them bastards silly!
We are taught early on and reminded as adults constantly that violence is bad and that it never solves anything, and that no one wins in a fight. This is simply untrue. In fact it is horribly untrue. This is the result of political correctness infesting everything. It skews how we set and train our minds to win.
Is it possible to reason with a two year old?
You save a swat on the behind for those times when you really need to enforce a negative consequence to some action.
Babycool: This is just my opinion, but you need to install discipline at an early stage. Set rules with your partner that you both agree on, and support each other when laying them down.
Children feel more secure when they know there are boundaries.
But every now and again, they will test them, and you. But thats all it is, a test.
If you have to smack, I suggest on the hand. Palm up. Like a low five. hehehehe. If my boys ever got out of line. I would count to 5. Loud and slow, and if that didnt work, I would say 'give me your hand' And smack them on the hand. It never hurt them, but it works.
Hope this helps Drummer. Best wishes to you and your new family.
Drummers_disease: The boys arent due for another few months but we can't agree on how to disapplin them. I've done some baby sitting in my time, and one of the things I've always dispised in a parent is the ones that spank. I had a friend that spanked her three year old because she wasn't sitting on the couch. I caught her smacking this kid on the back of the head....
I vowed never to be like that and I just, I dont know. Parenting's hard I'm sure, but I want a good set of rules and bounderies, like my previous contributers have said babes feel more secure with bounderies.
So, how bad does a kid have to be to get spanked is my next question.
Icy_Uranus: I believe a smack to the bottom is a fair thing. It teaches that their is a consequence to the kids actions. I don't have kids of my own but I have 2 brothers with kids, one smacks the other doesn't. The one who smacks, his kids will actually listen when they are told not to do things and give more respect to other adults when they tell them off. The other brothers kids are so disrespectful, will tell you to get lost if you try and tell them to behave and really just do what they want. I believe that a smack is alright when warrented, just don't go overboard.
Qz: When I was little fella I got the leather strap if I misbehaved. I am talkin red welts, not just a spanking. I wouldnt recommend the strap, but I gotta wonder if I wouldnt have turned out better with a few more spankings. I realized there were consequences for bad behavior. Today Kids get away with to much. Time outs?? does that ever work?
BluNote: I know that I am going to sound like a hippie here, but oh well. Don't spank, it has never worked for my kids (and believe me, I have tried). I have found that the whole "time out" thing is amazingly effective. Not only do I put my kids in time out but I put their things in time out (strangly more effective). Watch Super Nanny, that woman knows her stuff. Not only does she show how to time out but also teaches on stuff like bedtime routines- we followed the bedtime rules and neither of my kids will get out of their beds without my husband or I going in to get them (they are 2 & 4). Good luck!
brissy_girl86: i dont believe violence works with children. it only encourages them to do it as they see us doing it. we have been sitting down in a spot and we discuss why such and such cant happen or why we have to sit in said spot. we will sit there until he calms down and we can talk through it and then we will go about our day as per usual
Qz: I am sure very few will agree with me but.. spanking is not violence. I was spanked and whipped with leather straps. Lots of people were back in the day. That does not breed violence. Lack of consequences breeds contempt, lack of respect for rules and other peoples welfare. Just look at todays children. The way they behave is . The lack of respect they show for adults . Violence in schools
Just my opinion folks. But look at the way the youth act now as compared to when spanking was accepted.
Casey: If being whipped with leather belts isn't violence and abusive to a child, then I don't know what else is Qz. Children need boundaries but what little child who is just developing and exploring the world needs to be spanked and whipped to understand right from wrong.
From what I've studied spanking creates antisocial behavior in children lack of self-esteem and sometimes rebellion, drug and alcohol abuse. How can a child love a parent when he fears them? No one deserves to be hit especially someone so young. They need to be nurtured and taught with some other method other than hitting.
Yes some of todays kids are out of control but perhaps it's from lack of parental involvement, the kids they hang out with, many cut their teeth watching violent video games, tv shows and movies. It seems like parents want to be their kids buddies, not parents. They can't say no and create little princes and princess who have no respect, and huge entitlement issues.
I would perhaps contact a pediatrician, child psychologist about solutions to unacceptable behavior and how to correct it that you can agree on. Spanking, hitting, and even more violent forms of punishment isn't the answer. Spanking and abuse does not create a loving, respectful family unit. And, unfortunately the cycle ususually continues to the next generation.
Qz: I respect your opinion but I must disagree with some points. I loved my father dearly. Didnt fear him and had great respect for him. My mother is still alive and I love her dearly as well.
One point I am trying to make is this: look at the children whose punishment is a time out, not all but most have little or no respect for authority or other people.
When I was in elementary school my teachers told my parents I had a short attention span and wouldnt set still. Upon hearing this my Father told me "boy, by the time you are able to sit down you are gonna be so glad you can that you aint gonna wanna move around in your chair!"
He did not speak hallow words. Had He given me a talkin to nothing would have changed. When i did feel restless I thought of what would happen and decieded to sit still and pay attention. Worked well.
I am not saying spanking is always the answer. But I am saying it is appropriate at times.
You make some good points Casey but I just want to close with these thoughts
Look at the behavior of kids today who are part of the time out crowd, and look at the behavior of the generation that got spankings.
Last but not least.... spanking is not violence! It is discipline.
Casey: Qz I respect your opinion and perhaps you or other children needed strong, forceful spankings with leather belts. In my mind, some children are spirited such as not sitting quietly in school, but is it right to beat their little bottoms so they can't sit for a week and have the image of a severe beating as a consquence. Off course, they'd be well-behaved but at what cost. I'm a sensitive type to this day and if my parents ever hit me with a leather belt, I'm sure I'd be traumatized forever.
As for loving your parents, I have no doubt you do. I don't mean to be confrontational or challenge you, but even victims of severe sexual abuse by their parents still love them, will defend them and protect them. The young girl in my state that was abducted at 11 years old and kept in her captors backyard for years(giving birth to his two kids) and was recently found protected her captor.
I do agree as I said that lots of kids are out of control and gave some of the reasons I believe are responsible. All we see on tv, movies and vidoes is violence like I said. Whose getting all the high-ratings on TV - disrespectful, untalented reality stars. For us girls the Paris Hilton, Brittney Spears types. We have no role models, getting pregnant apparently is no big deal for some, the family units are so dysfunctional in some cases. We're taught to be so fearful of strangers most don't dare go out and meet other people and become socialized properly. We live our lives on cell phones, texting and the internet. The young boys whose role models used to be sports heros are now all admitting to steroid use. So is it no wonder that some kids are out of control with no decent role models. Kids tend to model what they see.
This to me accounts for more bad behavior in young people than whether they're spanked and beaten into obedience.
Qz: I do have a daughter and I do not spank her. I grew up with no sisters so the idea of spanking my daughter is foreign. You have given me some good points to consider. I am not above examining my beliefs. Thank you casey. Perhaps if I hadnt been whipped I would have turned out different. Now you got me thinking.... that is usually a bad thing
Casey: I'm happy to don't spank your daughter despite what you went through. I hope if you have a son you would do the same. Thanks for being so open-minded about my opinions on spanking and being physically hurt as punishment.
If it makes you think about your past experiences maybe there's a part of you that was emotionally wounded and still is deep down. Being beaten with a leather belt for acting like a normal child in my opinion would certainly do that. Some kids internalize the pain since they can't express the rage they feel( since they'd be hit even more) and it turns inward into depression and other emotional issues.
If by chance it has done caused emotional pain all we can do is forgive our parents and find other ways to love and discipline our own children.
TexasCutie90: Just remember that there is a differance between spanking your kids and beating them... there is nothing wrong with giving that a couple of swats to get them to straighten up their act, but dont take it to a point of constantly making and leaving marks and/or burses THAT IS ABUSE ... if u find that the spanking isnt working or u want to try another alternative first...from my expierance my 2 yr old daughter HATES time-outs...if she does something wrong i tell her to go stand in the corner she does but she also knows that shes in trouble...when the time-out is done calmly talk to the child and make sure they understand what they did n y it was wrong make sure to always reassure them at the end that u do still love them by giving them a hug or somethin (may sound odd but as most ppl with small children know their minds work in odd ways they need that reassurance esepcially after getting in trouble)also remember not to leave them in the time out for 2 long other wise they may forget y they are even in teh time out in the first place...a good rule that my mom told me was 1 min per year of age so if you have a 2 yr old 2 mins...5 year old 5 mins...ect.... but every child is different what may work on 1 child may not on another u just have to kinda see what works for yours but they do need to learn that disipline early other wise they wont learn to respect their elders...n im sad to say it but that is somethin that alot of ppl in my generation is lacking because they didnt have that sense of right and wrong established early on......hope this helps....good luck
KailahMariah: Well I live with 3 little brothers, I am 18 years old, and I am going to be a psychologist. I think it is immoral to cause pain to a child. the way i handle my brothers when i babysit them is to come down to their eye level, explain to them what they did wrong, give them a consequence, and carry it through. examples are time-out, taking away a toy, or whatever non violent way you can think of to let them know what happens when they dont follow your rules. it works very well and usually they come back and tell you that they are sorry(most of the time because they want their privilege back lol) but it is still nice to hear. when they sorry just hug them and say "just try to be better next time" always let your kid know you are there for them even if they mess up. believe me, it will be a lot less stress in the long run
JesseH4: I have raised six children. I think all children need discipline,and need to know boundaries.Now it can be no TV, no games,no playing outside and yes spankings. The reason why today we have uncontrollable children,disrespectful teenagers,off the chain adults is because they have not learned discipline. It starts from a baby up. To try to start at teen up is almost a lost cause. That's why we have a world fill with so many monsters. In todays world people work one maybe two jobs and the childern raise themselves,no discipline,no boundaries. All children are different, punishment work with some kids and some the only thing that work is spanking until they learn boundaries and they will learn they are smart.
LaceyGirl: But there were plenty of "monsters" and bad people who grew up in a pro-discipline family.
Children do not learn to be a good person by getting spanked. They learn to be a good person by you setting an example with. They see you, They want to be like you.
I'm not a mother and don't plan on it either but I seriously would spank my kid if they ran out on a street packed with moving vehicles. Times like that there's no time for the long term teaching because its just too dangerous.
But spank to make them nice. I don't think it works that way.
KailahMariah: uhm, spanking your kids just shows that you're not afraid to hurt them if they get out of hand. And that's sending your kids the wrong message. You want your kid to go around saying "yeah my parents spank me or hit me when i dont follow rules." that's not humane
Qz: not humane?? I stopped responding to this forum because I figured some people just dont understand what spanking was all about. but to say it is not humane... I have been careful not to insult other peoples belief. My parents spanked and whipped me. To suggest my parents , whom I loved greatly, are inhumane is absurd.
I choose to believe you do not understand.
KailahMariah: That's okay and that is your opinion, but I remember getting whipped and spanked so much that I became numb to it and it just didn't matter anymore and surely didn't teach me anything, except for not to hurt someone, especially your kid, simply because they don't understand the concept of boundaries yet. Discipline does not have to cause physical pain to your children and I don't like it at all. I'm not saying you're a bad person if you do, because I understand that being at your whit's end can make it difficult to really think about alternative disciplinary action. And I used to work with children of all ages and could never see myself WANTING to cause physical pain to a child. They don't know anything about the world at that young age and I wouldn't want my children to walk through life in fear of doing something wrong and getting hit. But that's just my opinion