ahahahahaha obnoxious jokes (Page 10) harlett daeava:  A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." “My darling," he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." harlett daeava: ....After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams" harlett daeava: ....  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. harlett daeava: ...lol.... A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game. That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other. At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?' Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.' The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?' 'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.' harlett daeava: .. ..Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters 1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal... harlett daeava: .....What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit? Bugs Bunny What can you hold without ever touching it? A conversation How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair. harlett daeava: .... irish jokes Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat--not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation." harlett daeava: .....  An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?' The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...' 'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .' 'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.' 'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug. harlett daeava: ....... This happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true. unhuh sure  John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...'Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it.' harlett daeava: ... Paddy goes into a pizza parlour in Dublin. The waiter asks: 'Would you like your pizza cut into six slices or eight?' 'Just six,' says Paddy. 'I don't think I can eat eight.' harlett daeava: ..... The Happiest and Shortest Fairytale ever!! Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank whole bottles of wine, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, NEVER watched Sports, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous all the time. THE END (Edited by harlett daeava) harlett daeava: .....LOL For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap: Four worms and a lesson to be learned! A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol- Dead The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the minister asked the congregation, 'What did you learn from this demonstration???' Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' That pretty much ended the service. harlett daeava: ....... Two snowmen are standing in a field, one says to the other....... "Can you smell carrots?" ........ Honestly some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?" ...... When Insults Had Class These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it ....... Airy_love: Four guys were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl, and comes to breakfast the next morning with hair a mess and eyes all bloodshot. The other two said: "Man, what happened to you?" He said: Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night, it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing-hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said: "Man what happened to you? You look awful!" He said: "Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn't do anything but sit up and watch him all night." The third night was Rich's turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it-he looked rested and wide awake. They asked: "Man, what happened?" He said: "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his behind and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night. harlett daeava: .... woohoo social quips Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting. . I'm sorry, do I resemble your therapist? I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation. I don't care where you go, as long as you get lost. It is just you. I heard you, and so what if the world's ending at noon today, I can't chat with you until tomorrow. harlett daeava: .....What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover? A rash of good luck. What can you hold without ever touching it? A conversation. What country makes you shiver? Chile. What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle. What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors? A piano. What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.? The Presidential Seal. | Off Topic Chat Room Similar Conversations |
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