ahahahahaha obnoxious jokes (Page 47) Big Bopper: I met a guy who has an orgasm every time he sneezes ME: Wow! I've never heard of that. What do you take for a problem like that? Him: Pepper Big Bopper: Grandma and Grandpa are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!" Grandma rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!" Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "Fuck you!" swinging more forward again. Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "Fuck you again." This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally Grandpa says, "You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be." Big Bopper: The King returns home from the hunt. Suddenly, he sees that right in the royal courtyard, some insolent fellow wrote in the snow "The King is a moron" with his urine. Enraged, the King shouts: - Merlin! Come here this instant! At once, the court wizard appears. - Merlin, - says the King. - At once, find out who did this! Merlin pulls out his staff, casts a few spells, lights up a candle to divine in the flame... - Your Majesty, - he says. - The urine on the snow belongs to Albert, your First Minister. - Excellent work, Merlin, - the King turns toward his guards. - You four, arrest the First Minister at once! And the Queen, too! - Excuse me, Your Majesty, - Merlin says. - but why the Queen? - The handwriting is hers. Big Bopper: 3 geezers in a nursing home were bitching about getting old Geezer 1 - I just wish I could take a really good piss like when I was 18. Nowadays all I do is dribble a little, then 5 minutes I have to run to the toilet again. Geezer 2 - I haven't been able to take a good shit in years. It's either runny or constipated and it's never complete or satisfying. Geezer 3 - You guys have it made. At 7am every morning like clockwork, I have my morning piss. It's like Niagara Falls and it don't stop gushing till my bladder's bone dry. Then comes my morning dump. It's like the Chunnel opens up and I give birth to a continent of shit, totally empties me out. That's at 8am like clockwork. Geezers 1&2 - So what's the problem, then? Geezer 3 - The problem is I don't get up till 9. Big Bopper: A man in his 50s visits the doctor. "I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?" "I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have any idea what's happening out there?! Global warming is destroying the planet! Supervolcanoes are waking from dormancy! We're on the verge of a nuclear war, and NOTHING CAN STOP IT!!" Visibly shaken, the man looks down and realizes he's pissed his pants. Ashamed but relieved, he thanks the doctor profusely. "No trouble at all," the doctor chuckles. "All you needed was a little dire rhetoric." Big Bopper: God summons Adam and Eve and says to them, "hey guys, I've got some more features to divvy up. Who wants extra muscles?" "I do!" shouts Adam before Eve can say anything. "OK", says God, "how about extra height?" "Mine!" Says Adam, "It goes well with my extra muscles." "And, how about extra body hair?" Asks God. "Yoink!" Says Adam, snatching the hair from God before he can finish his sentence. God and Eve share a look. Adam says, "see ya suckers," as he struts off in his tall, well muscled, hairy body. "Well," sighs God to Eve, "all I have left is multiple orgasms." Big Bopper: "Honey — where did you get all these $1 bills?" "Easy mom! The boys in the neighborhood each give me a dollar every time I climb up the telephone pole." "Honey! You need to stop that. They aren’t paying you to climb the telephone pole. They just want to see your underwear." A few weeks pass. "Honey - where did you get all these five dollar bills?" "Easy mom! You told me they just wanted to see my underwear when I climbed the telephone pole, so I stopped wearing them." Big Bopper: Jimmy's mom visits his school one day. She meets Jimmy's teacher, and the teacher says he is the dumbest kid in the school. He scores the lowest in the class and is not interested in anything. His mother was so disappointed that she took Jimmy out of the school. 25 years later the teacher got very sick, and needed to be operated. She had a low chance of surviving the operation, but miraculously she survived, because of the doctors skills. Wanting to thank the doctor she asked to meet him The doctor came to see her and smiled. The teacher started to say something, but suddenly gasped, turned blue raised her hands wanting to tell him something, and died. The doctor was shocked, still trying to understand what happened when he saw our old friend Jimmy, who was now a cleaner at the hospital pull the plug for the oxygen machine and plug his phone in for charging. Don't tell me you thought that Jimmy had become a Doctor!  lonniephillips74: A duck walks into a pharmacy to get some condo.s.. the clerk says, you want me to put them on your bill? He say, what kind of duck do you think I am??? Big Bopper: My wife and I sat down with our son and I said, “Billy, you were adopted.” Billy looked at us. His face was red and full of anger “I demand to meet my biological parents!” My wife softly said “We ARE your biological parents. Now, hurry and pack your things, the taxi is on it's way.” (Edited by Big Bopper) Big Bopper: A traveling salesman is driving past a farmhouse when he sees a pig with a wooden leg. This piques his curiosity, so he goes to the house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers. "What's the story with the pig with the wooden leg?" asks the salesman. "Let me tell you about that pig," says the farmer. "That is no ordinary pig." "One night about six months ago my house caught on fire. That pig came into the house, nudged me awake, and led me through the smoke to safety. That pig saved my life!" "That really is some pig," the salesman agrees. "But why does he have a wooden leg?" "Well," says the farmer, "a pig like that you don't eat all at once." (Edited by Big Bopper) Big Bopper: Husband: "How many other guys have you slept with? Wife: "Just you, I was awake for all the other ones" (Edited by Big Bopper) Big Bopper: To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash: I’m sorry I asked if he was a rescue. Thank you for not siccing him on me. Big Bopper: A woman was visiting her crazy mother in a mental hospital when a guy entered the ward, waving and making beeping noises. "Excuse me,” said the woman. “what are you doing?” “I’m driving my car,” he replied cheerily. “beep, beep!” “But you’re in a mental hospital,” she tried to explain. “you’re not in a car.” “Don’t tell him that,” cried one of the janitors, “he pays me $20 a week to wash it!” (Edited by Big Bopper) Big Bopper: The teacher was explaining biology to her 3rd-grade students. She said, "Because we talk so much, human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raised her hand saying, "I had a kitty-cat that stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to tell the class about her cat. "Well,'' she began, "I was in the backyard with my kitty when the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary." The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty arched her back, went Shssss, Shssss, Shssss and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!" (Edited by Big Bopper) Big Bopper: As a married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From the inside they heard a Pakistani accent say, "Welcome foreigners come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild with sexual desire like a great dessert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero as he was. The husband said, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye the husband rushed up too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"  Wild__: Mt friend lost his medical practice after having sexual relations with a patient. That's sad, I mean, he was such a good veterinarian.  (Post deleted by staff ) | Off Topic Chat Room Similar Conversations |
