ahahahahaha obnoxious jokes (Page 45) Paperdoll: Why did the inventor of the Ferris wheel and the inventor of the Merry Go 'Round, NEVER meet in real life? They travelled in different cricles.  Wild__: I've been clean for 47 days now. It's wierd showering everyday but at least I have heroine to help me get through it. Paperdoll: What happens if you boil a funny bone? It becomes a laughing stock. What did the zombie say to the prostitute? You can keep the tip.  Newguy5297: A boy heres moaning and giggling coming from his parents room..he opens the door and sees his dad in a bunny suit giving it hell to his mom. Dad tries to console him and tells him they were just having fun and walks him back to his room. A while later the dad hears moans and noise from sons room. He flings open the door and sees his son having sex with his grandmother. Dad says "Omg what are you doing son?!" Son says " Oh its not so funny when its your mom now is it?!"  Big Bopper: A man was in a pet shop looking for an animal to adopt. He came upon a parrot that caught his interest. The bird's nametag read "Chet". The shop owner showed him a cool trick the bird was able to do.
"If you take a lighter to his left foot, he will sing a Christmas carol," he said handing him a lighter. So the man lit a flame under his left foot and Chet sang "jingle bells". The shop owner told him, "okay try the right foot now. He will sing a different Christmas carol." The man lit a flame under the parrot's right foot, and he sang "the little drummer boy". "What happens when you light a flame between his two feet?" Asked the man, curious. "I'm not actually sure," said the shop owner. "Try it." The man lit a flame between his two feet and the parrot burst out singing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!" Big Bopper: A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick. The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights." Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights." At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!!" Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent. The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed." Big Bopper: The teacher says, " I want you to use the following word in a sentence. Fascinate." Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried. Big Bopper: Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle,” he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates.” The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, “These are Carol's." Big Bopper: A guy gets on a plane and is seated beside a talking duck. A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink. "I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy. "And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck. The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. But she is so shaken by the duck's rudeness that she forgets the guy's coffee. When the stewardess comes back and gives the beer to the duck, the guy notices that she has forgotten his coffee. "Excuse me," he says politely. "I ordered a cup of coffee, but you seem to have forgotten it." "Yea, you piece of s**t!" yells the duck. "And bring me another beer, you stupid f**king mule!" The stewardess walks away, thinking about how the duck is swearing now. Once again, she remembers the beer but forgets the coffee. When the stewardess comes back, the guy figures that if rudeness and swearing have gotten the duck what he wants, maybe it will also get him what he wants. "Listen, you dumb f**king b**ch", he says. "Twice I've ordered a coffee, and twice you've forgotten my coffee. Now bring me my coffee, you fat cow!" The stewardess loses her patience. She grabs the guy and the duck out of their seats. Then, with one powerful kick, she kicks open the emergency exit and throws the guy and the duck out of the plane. As they are falling, the duck says to the guy, "You know, you have a pretty big mouth for a guy who can't fly." Big Bopper: Little Johnny’s teacher assigned the students to write a story with a good “moral of the story.” The next day little Johnny tells his story.... "My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the whiskey. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands" Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.... Johnny replies, "Yeah... don't f**k with my dad when he's been drinking!”  mrsmargaret48: Hang on the thread says jokes so whats Frankie Boyle doing on here. Boyle couldn't make a hyena laugh. George Carlin on the other hand, anti woke comic genius. As a Christian I also like Dave Allen who wasn't a Christian, another genius.  Corwin: A guy goes to the doctor... he's 65 but wants to make it to 85. The doctor asks him, "Well do indulge in alcohol or other indulgences?" He says, "No" Well, do you indulge in danger-sports, like drive fast cars or leap from cliffs or any other activity that might increase your blood-pressure? He says, "No". The doctor asks, "Do you indulge in extravagant food, like red meat or meals rich in dairy or fat? He says "No." The doctor asks, "Do you engage in intense sexual activity that would likely increase your blood-pressure and put your life in danger?" He says, "No." And the doctor says, "Then why the FUCK would you want to live another 20 years??"  Wild__: Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.” After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzle bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices- either I maul your to death or we have sex.” Again, Bob thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder, He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it, Bob, you don’t come here just for the hunting, do you?” Big Bopper: A woman asked me to come back to her place for a nightcap. After a couple of drinks she asks me to get undressed. I took off my shoes and socks and she screamed "what happened to your toes?" Me-When I was a kid I had toelio. Her-Do you mean polio? Me-No girl, look at my toes. It was toelio. Then I took off my pants. She screamed "what happened to your knees?" Me-I had kneesles pretty bad when I was a kid. Her-Don't you mean measles? Me-No woman. Look at my knees. It was kneesles. Then I took off my underwear and she screamed "Oh my, you poor thing!" Me-what's wrong baby? Her-You're lucky to be alive. I see you had small cox too. Big Bopper: Little girl goes up to her father and says, "Daddy, talk like a frog!" Dad says "Get out of here, with this 'talk like a frog'!" The next day, again the little girl says " Daddy, talk like a frog." Dad says " I told you yesterday to beat it with the frog stuff." Again on the next day she says to her dad, " Daddy please can you talk like a frog?" Her dad looks at her and says, " Okay what's going on...what's the big deal with this frog business, why do you want me to talk like a frog?" The little girl looks at him and says "Because mommy said when you croak we get to move to Hawaii!" Big Bopper: Three men pass away in a tragic car crash. Their girlfriends are trying to figure out what to do with their ashes. The first woman says, " Hey, my boyfriend really loved nature. I'm going to spread his ashes throughout the forest so he can be eternally connected with the wilderness." The second woman says, " Hey, my boyfriend was really into marine biology. I think I'm just going to pour his ashes into the ocean. Then he can finally be one with the sea." The third woman says, "I'm going to pour my boyfriend's ashes into a bowl of chili and eat it." The first woman asks her, " Why the hell would you do that?". She replies " I want to feel him rip through my ass one last time! " Big Bopper: My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn. In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "You should stay on the porn channel... you already know how to fish." Big Bopper: The blonde asked her gynecologist, “Why am I finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina?” The amused doctor replied, “Those aren’t postage stamps, they’re the stickers that come on bananas.” Big Bopper: One Ukrainian Jew to another: "Would you share this imported bottle of Scotch with me?" The other: "Of course I would. But we barely have money for food. Where did you get Scotch?" First: "I traded some Russian caviar for it." Second: "But how did you get Russian caviar?" First: "I traded some calamari to them for it." Second: "But we're hundreds of kilometers from the nearest ocean, and it doesn't have squid." First: "No, but it was a good month for circumcisions and Russian soldiers don't know the difference." Big Bopper: Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those." Big Bopper: A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.” “You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.” “No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.” “Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.” “No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on your body did that bee sting you?” “On my finger!” screamed the man in pain. “The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts.” “Which one?” the doctor asked. “How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!” Big Bopper: Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight." His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?" Johnny replies, "I am just doing my math homework." "And is this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asks. "Yes," Johnny replies. The mother is now angry and immediately phones Johnny's teacher, "What on earth are you teaching my son in class?" she asks. The teacher replies, "Right now, we are learning mathematical addition." The mother asks, "And are you teaching them to say one plus six, that son of a bitch is seven?" After the teacher stopped laughing hysterically, she answers, "What I taught them to say was, one plus six, the sum of which is seven." Big Bopper: The furniture store salesman told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.” I said “Where am I going to find 5 people without any problems?” | Off Topic Chat Room Similar Conversations |
