ahahahahaha obnoxious jokes (Page 33) MJ59: A guy went to Confession to confess his sins. "Father i have sinned. I almost committed adultery last night, but I only touched the outside and didn't put it in." The priest said "In the eyes of the lord, that is just the same as putting it in. Say Four hail Marys and put $20 in the poor box." On the way out the guy took out a brand new $20 bill and rubbed it against the poor box. The priest said "Hey! You didn't put it in!" The guys said, "Father I know, but in the eyes of the lord, it's just the same as putting it in!" ... MJ59: A man goes to a shrink and says..... "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax." Says the Doctor. "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar? MJ59: An American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom. The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout 'Down with Donald Trump!' and nothing bad will happen to me.” The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout 'Down with Donald Trump!' and nothing will happen to me either.” MJ59: The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!" Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope slapped him and the crowd went wild! MJ59: Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!" MJ59: Scientist are doing an experiment on the human brain to see how much someone can function without certain parts. They remove half the brain and ask the subject to count to ten. He counts "one, three, five, seven, nine". Fascinated, the put it back and remove the other half, then ask him to count to ten again. He counts "two, four, six, eight, ten." Finally, the remove the entire brain and ask him to count to ten one more time. He says "I can count to ten, I'm the best with numbers, I have the best numbers, the news, they say I can't count, that's wrong, they're wrong, I think, people, when they think about good numbers, I can count, with any numbers, all the time, better than China, better than anyone..." The giant midget: Old jokes just different characters Not sure but I think the slapping pope goes back to George Bush Sr. And then the ""I can walk upto the White House "" "" I can walk upto Buchingham palace and ignore the Queen "" ""Nothing will happen to me "" Margrete Thacher  Wild__: An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course child. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” Father replied, “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”  Big Bopper: Two men are sitting on a park bench and a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little and let him get to know you first." Big Bopper: After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you. Husband: What's up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid Husband: Well you don't remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pissed and spoiled his underwear. Then you said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there. Big Bopper: When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel." Big Bopper: A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife." MJ59: What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked? A seatbelt Big Bopper: This is NOT a joke **IT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER FOR US ALL TO FOLLOW THESE SIMPLE STEPS** What we **ALL** NEED to do: - stay home - stay home - wash your hands frequently - don't touch your face - avoid close contact, maintain 1-2 meters between people - don't shake hands - avoid crowds - use hand sanitizer - cover a cough or sneeze STAY HOME Public Health Authorities CALL AHEAD IF YOU NEED TESTING - British Columbia 811 - Alberta 811 - Saskatchewan 811 - Manitoba 1-888-315-9257 - Ontario 1-866-797-0000 - Quebec 811 - New Brunswick 811 - Nova Scotia 811 - Prince Edward Island 811 - Newfoundland and Labrador 811 or 1-888-709-2929 - Nunavut 867-975-5772 - Northwest Territories 911 - Yukon 811 (Edited by Big Bopper)  Corwin: You left out the part about brawling in the toilet-paper aisle and succumbing to mass hysteria. Wild__: The Corona virus won't have any affect on me. I'm an IPA drinker so until we have a Lagunitas virus I'll be safe. Corwin: I'm holding out for the Vodkavirus. I fear the Coronavirus won't even get me that sick, and I'll just be peeing every 15 minutes. Wild__: They said a black man would be president when pigs could fly. 100 days into Obama's presidency Swine flu | Off Topic Chat Room Similar Conversations |
