ahahahahaha obnoxious jokes (Page 19) Big Bopper: An old man tells his doctor that his wife never has an orgasm while they are having sex. The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating. So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex. The gardener is reluctant but agrees. While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically waves the towel to cool off the woman, but she does not have an orgasm. The old man suggests that he and the gardener switch places. Again the gardener is reluctant, but agrees, and makes wild love to the woman. The woman reaches a screaming climax like none she has ever had in her entire life. The old man turns to the gardener and says, "And THAT, young man, is how you wave a towel!" Big Bopper: After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. "Who was that?" Big Bopper: A Texan walks into a bar in Ireland. The Texan clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers and says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first". Big Bopper: My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard. Personally, I’m on the fence. (Edited by Big Bopper) Big Bopper: A bus filled with Catholic school girls goes off a cliff and they all die. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Erica, have you ever had any contact with a penis? She giggles and shyly replies, "I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Sarah, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." Suddenly there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Ashley, What is going on here?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it." Big Bopper: A horse and a hen are playing in a field... One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is stuck. She throws a rope around the horse’s neck, and slams on the accelerator, saving the horse from sinking in the puddle. A few days go by and they are playing in the field again. This time, the hen gets stuck. Hen: “Help, go get the car like I did for you and help me out!” The horse, realizing there isn’t much time since the hen is much smaller than he, stretches out over the length of the puddle. Horse: Reach up and grab hold of my ‘thing’. The hen obliges, and the horse starts to stand straight up to pull his friend out of the puddle. The moral of this story is: If you’re hung like a horse, then you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. Big Bopper: Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island... ...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to pray every Sunday. But after a little while, everyone gets, well, restless. To be blunt, they're all horny and have no sexual outlets. Being devoutly religious people, pre-marital sex is out of the question. So, they come up with a system. The woman marries one of the men for a week, then gets a divorce and marries the other man for a week. They just go back and forth like this. This way, each of the guys get seven days full of sex every other week, and the girl gets laid whenever she wants. This situation works out great, and their three-person community is thriving. But after eight months of this, the woman gets bit by a poisonous snake and dies. The first week is really rough. The second week is even worse. The third week is just plain terrible. The fourth week is practically unbearable. So on the fifth week, they decide to bury the body. Lilith___: On a tropical island : On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: Two Italian men and one Italian woman Two French men and one French woman Two German men and one German woman Two Greek men and one Greek woman Two English men and one English woman Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman Two American men and one American woman Two Australian men and one Australian woman Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman Two Irish men and one Irish woman One month later the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two American men are talking about football, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but hey, at least the taxes are low and it's not raining. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting further instructions. The two Australian men beat each into a bloody mess for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both wankers'. Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but at least the English are not getting any. Lilith___: Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his katana and swish, the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two. "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Samurai Number Two, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai bowed, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his katana and swish, swish, the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Samurai Number Three?" The Jewish samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, releasing one fly, drew his katana and swoooooosh, flourished his katana so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision . . . that takes skill!" Big Bopper: A successful lawyer is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass. He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?" The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option." The lawyer thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house to eat." The man, very grateful, replies, "Yes! That would be nice. Thank you so much, sir." He points at the end of the road and says, "There's another family of 5 there. They also haven't eaten in a long time! Would you mind if they come along as well?" The lawyer says, "Sure, as long as they can fit in my car. My house isn't far down this road so it shouldn't be a problem. There is lots to eat for everyone, I haven't mowed my lawn in months." (Edited by Big Bopper) harlettsines: toothless I;m feakin toothless until late next month august when my implanted dentures will be finished.. other then woohoo still & ahhhhhhh it's good to hear Your Well harlettsines: I could write a book on what I am finding out about the aging body ....hmmmm I could post excerpts here on wire somewhere .. try and save some of you from to much aging horrors..
Big Bopper: I asked my wife, “Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?” She said, “I don’t like calling you at work.” Big Bopper: A guy goes to interview for IKEA... The manager says “Welcome! Come in and make a seat.” | Off Topic Chat Room Similar Conversations |