Joke for the Day. (Page 65) Fate_: The other day my girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it…. So we went out and had some drinks. He’s a cool guy, wants to become a web developer. Fate_: What’s green and fuzzy and can kill you if it falls out of a tree? A snooker table Has one ever noticed that when one drops a piece of toast it always lands caviar side down? Fate_: Just changed my Facebook name to ‘benefits’ so when you add me it says ‘You are now friends with benefits’. Fate_: Feeling excited today. Just graduated from the police academy and also read in my horoscope that I’m gonna be meeting a tall dark stranger. Looking forward to trying out my new taser.  Mz Demeanor: He said the spark between us was gone. So I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up. Fate_: Wife calls her husband and says, “Darling, the car is broken, it won’t start.” “What?! It’s in perfect order, what’s wrong with it?” “It’s water in the carburetor, love.” “Oh no, where are you right now?” “Um, in the little lake behind the house…” Fate_: Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair? - Wife: Michael, I’m over here!  Ka0tic: I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked. "Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends. ""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her. "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" I said, "My wife found out." Fate_: Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years." Fate_: A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."  Big Bopper: A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump. Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted, "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse!" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse" " I'm sorry," he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!" Fate_: Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day. There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas. missoulabob: Husband and wife are riding down a country road. They have been arguing. Coming up on right side in field are some jack asses. Wife looks at husband and says "Relatives of yours" He says yes "Inlaws" Fate_: The following conversation took place between a husband and wife. Husband: It’s a bit muggy tonight my love. Wife: If you’ve put all our mugs in the garden again I’m gonna divorce you. Husband: *Drinks a sip of tea from plant pot.* Fate_: The following conversation took place at a church wedding: Priest: Repeat after me. Groom: After me!! Priest: Is this guy serious?? Bride: No his name is Bruce.   RUBY: Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses." |
Off Topic Chat Room
Similar Conversations |
