Joke for the Day. (Page 56)

WonderWoman1
WonderWoman1: ❄⛄😆
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Fate_
Fate_: So I was recently reading that condoms are effective only 97% of the time and I thought that's not good enough.
So I tried getting my girlfriend to use the pill, this is apparently 98% effective.
So then I tried the female condom, and found that to be 99% effective.
But after all this I still strove for a method that is 100% effective.
So yesterday I dyed my hair brown.
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Fate_
Fate_: A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous brunette sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.' They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies. . .. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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WonderWoman1
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Fate_
Fate_: A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your c**k?"
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Big Bopper
Big Bopper:
An ethnically-equal opportunity joke:

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.

The doorman stops them and says "Sorry, I cant let you in without a Thai."
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Big Bopper
Big Bopper:


A supervisor is being given a tour of a hospital by a doctor

The supervisor and doctor come across a patient in a room that is feverishly masturbating.

"What is going on here!?" the supervisor demanded.

"This man has a very rare disease," the doctor explained. "If he does not ejaculate every hour, his testicles will fill with semen and burst."

The supervisor accepted the explanation and they continued the tour coming to a room where a nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"What is going on here!?" the supervisor demanded and the doctor says,

"Same disease, better health plan."
(Edited by Big Bopper)
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Big Bopper
Big Bopper:

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

"A dozen, a gross, and a score,

plus three times the square root of four,

divided by seven,

plus five times eleven,

is nine squared and not a bit more."

(Edited by Big Bopper)
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Big Bopper
Big Bopper:

While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead?"
(Edited by Big Bopper)
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davidk14
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WonderWoman1
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Wild__
Wild__:

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids . "WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS?"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the oldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker.

"I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' 'An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.'An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."
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wayne elliott
wayne elliott: LOL!!!
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davidk14
davidk14: .

That's ghetto

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Big Bopper
Big Bopper: A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. The brunette won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. The blonde won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the women met back at Wal-Mart. The blonde asked the brunette how she liked her prize, to which the brunette replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"

"How about you? How's the toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied the blonde. "I think I'm gonna go back to paper."
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Fate_
Fate_: The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”
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Fate_
Fate_:
I’ve spent the last 3 years looking for my ex-wife’s killer… Still can’t find anyone to do it.
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Mz Demeanor
Mz Demeanor:
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A CANADIAN GIRL!! Three friends married women from different parts of the world..... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put ...away. ... The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she............ ...was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Canada . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates...
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Fate_
Fate_: hahahahahahaha aah Canadian Chicks hehe (jk)
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WonderWoman1
WonderWoman1: @leroy
Lol Fate @ computer
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WonderWoman1
WonderWoman1: Lol @Canada..
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Fate_
Fate_: I don’t understand women. They love it when you sweep them off their feet but as soon as you lock them in the back of the van they start freaking out.
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Mz Demeanor
Mz Demeanor: Spoken by a husband "My wife opened the car door for me. It would have been a nice gesture had we not been driving 70 mph."
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Fate_
Fate_: hahahaha
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Wild__
Wild__: Trump has gotten more fat women to walk in one day than Michelle Obama did in eight years.
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