Joke for the Day. (Page 52)

The deal maker: Lol
Poor teacher

Mz Demeanor:
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

Mz Demeanor:
An officer asks a lady, who came with a request for a financial support:
- What are the names of your six kids?
- Volfgang, Volfgang, Volfgang, Volfgang, Volfgang and Volfgang.
- But how do you call them for dinner?
- Simply, I call only once – Volfgang!
- But what if you want to call only one of them?
- I call them by their last names.

Fate_: hahhahaha

Fate_: A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Fate_: A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

Mz Demeanor:

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

Fate_: hahahaha

Ka0tic:

Saw my doctor this morning and she told me i have to stop masturbating..

I asked her why?

She said it was interfering with her examining me..

Fate_: Guy: Wanna suck my dick? Girl: No. Guy: Probably for the best. I mean, it has a label-Warning! Choking Hazard! Girl: Isn't that the warning put on tiny objects?

Fate_: While talking to girl: "Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?" "No, what?" "Yea, I figured you were in the first group."

Fate_: My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing?
Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

Fate_: Two doctors are having s*x, he says to her, "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after." She replies, "Well you must be an anesthetist, because I didn't feel a f*cking thing!"

Big Bopper:

Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise.

Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?"

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
The wife is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that ?'

Maria: 'No, Señora, the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'

Fate_: hahahahha

Fate_: A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

RUBY:

Fate_: GOD said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.” “Gladly, Lord,” replied Adam. “What do you want me to do?” “Go down into the valley.” “What’s a valley?” asked Adam. God explained to him, then said, Cross the river.” “What’s a river?” God explained it to him, and then continued, “Go over the hill ”. “What’s a hill?” God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said, “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.” “What’s a cave?” After God explained, he said, “In the cave you will find a woman.” Adam asked, “What’s a woman?” So God explained that to him too. He continued, “I want you to reproduce.” “How do I do that?” “Jeez,” God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam. He liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.” A little while later, Adam returned and asked God, “What’s a headache?”

RUBY:

Fate_: Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.

Fate_: My wife keeps telling me I shouldn’t pee in the bath – or if I really have to I should at least wait till she gets out.

Fate_: Guns don’t kill people – husbands who come home early kill people.

Fate_: Wife to her husband: "I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"

Fate_: A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today." She goes in and find him with his pants down. "That's not a watch!" she says. "It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."

Big Bopper: Frank goes hunting in the woods by himself.

He comes across a small black bear drinking from a stream so he shoots and kills it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a large black bear.

"Hey", says the bear. "You just killed my cousin. What's your name?"

"Um....Frank", the hunter says nervously.

"Well Frank", says the bear, "Now you have to pay for that." The bear proceeds to scratch and maul Frank, and finally, sodomizes him.

Two days later, Frank gets out of the hospital, goes back into the woods, tracks down the offending bear and shoots him. He feels another tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see a huge brown bear.

"Hey Frank", says the brown bear. "You just shot my cousin. Now I have to punish you." The bear mauls and bites him and then sodomizes him.

Two weeks later, Frank gets out of the hospital and tracks down the brown bear. He shoots and kills it. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a massive grizzly bear.

"Frank, man...really?" The grizzly proceeds to maul and tear into Frank, then violently sodomizes him.

Two months later, Frank leaves the hospital, immediately goes to his truck, goes back in the woods and finds and shoots the Grizzly. He then feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around to see the biggest polar bear he has ever seen.

"C'mon Frank", says the polar bear. "Just admit it. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"