Joke for the Day. (Page 47) Big Bopper: I want to dedicate this joke to Serabi ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wise old monk shows up at a new monastery, where monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. He goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals, rather than of other's copies, so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!" (Edited by Big Bopper)  Wild__: A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!” Big Bopper: An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.  Mz Demeanor: Couldn't resist some blonde jokes: #1 On a TV quiz-game the presenter asks a blonde participant: "Here is a question for you from the category Science And Nature. If you were in a vacuum and someone called your name, could you hear it?" The blonde thinks for a little while and asks: "Is the vacuum ON or OFF?" #2 A blonde meets with her old school friend, a brunette. They start talking about the lovers and the brunette tells: "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde winks with surprise and asks: "How many is a brazilian?" (Edited by Mz Demeanor) Big Bopper: A guy dies and wakes up on a beach. Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full of tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way." Big Bopper: A busload of Catholic girls gets in a horrible accident. Sadly all on the bus perished and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. St Peter approaches the first girl in line. "Mary Margaret, I have one question for you, and it is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully. Have you ever touched a penis?" Mary blushed a little bit. "Well, yes, I have. I once reached into a boys pants and touched his penis with the tip of my finger. But that was all." "Very well Mary. Dip your finger into this holy water and then you may enter Heaven." St Peter then approaches the next girl in line. "Anne Beth, have you ever touched a penis?" "Yes, I once reached in a boys pants and grabbed his penis." "Very well," said St Peter "Dip your hand in holy water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven. At this point in time there is a commotion in the back of the line, as one of the girls is pushing her way up the line. "Katherine Anne, you need to wait till it's your turn." St Peter strictly informed the girl. "No, I'm not staying in the back of the line. There's no way I'm rinsing my mouth out with that holy water if Karen has to wash her ass out with it first!"  The13th: haha ... I once work at those reception center at Sydney's Lane Cove too many years ago ...we just prepare the reception house for all sorts of wedding functions, school graduation, business function etc. Once an old waitress boost to me how she stopped 2 kids half way through having sex in the toilet during a primary school graduation function.. I am actually quite disapprove of such rude interruption. Big Bopper: A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board - "Monkey who does great sex". She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual. The Manual said "Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down without wearing anything. Leave the rest to the monkey. Repeat all steps for repeat performance". Accordingly, the woman gave the monkey a bath, bathed herself and slept on the bed naked. Monkey did nothing. Disappointed, she again gave him a bath, had bath and lied down naked on the bed. Again, the monkey did nothing. She referred the Manual to check for forward path. It said : In case of no activity, call the shop owner for support. She called the owner & he arrived in 10 minutes. He asked the woman to lie down. He then looked at the monkey and shouted... "This is the last time I'm teaching you..!" Big Bopper: A man shows up for confession, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..." "Go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "Continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway..." " And this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "This must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it." continued the man. "Ahhh, I see," says the priest, "this must have been the point where you swore." "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole." The priest pauses for a few seconds "You missed the fucking putt didn't you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Big Bopper: Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend, "Which part did you get?" (Edited by Big Bopper) Big Bopper: A man is walking throught the woods and finds a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?" The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"  wayne elliott: LOL Big Bopper. You should be writing gags for the entertainment industry. That's how Woody Allen started out. Big Bopper: Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them. "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up". Sure, they said, you’re welcome to. So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I’m a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!” was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here". So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom". "Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" “Sure, what do you want?” "First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. “Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."  snazys: An Irishman and a Muslim are sitting next to one another on a plane. The air hostess offers the Irishman a drink. Whisky requests the Irishman. She hands him his drink. She offers the Muslim a whisky as well. 'I would rather be raped by 5 whores' says the Muslim. The Irishman hands his whisky back and says - 'I didnt know we had a choice' Mz Demeanor: A few Trump jokes.  How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants? Juan by Juan. What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly? Hair Force One! What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump? Snow White Supremacist. What does Trumps hair and a thong have in common? They both barely cover the asshole What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma if he is elected president? Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head! Mz Demeanor: oh boy did I find some really bad jokes. Don't say I didn't warn you.  #1 Just seen a bishop walking in the street which was strange because he wasn’t walking diagonally. #2 Just found out that the guy who painted the Mona lisa, Leonard O’Davinchy, is actually Italian and not Irish. #3 Spent the whole of last night sitting in bed thinking about the sun and where it comes from …. and then it dawned on me. #4 Earlier today I swallowed two pieces of string and they came out tied together. I shit you knot. Mz Demeanor: ....found a few more. You're welcome.  Went to see my psychiatrist today. I keep having dreams where I’m a famous author working on the the Lords of The Rings Trilogy. He said it sounds like I’ve been Tolkien in my sleep. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus. Who’s there?” … “Control freak. Okay now you say, ‘Control freak who?” Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast. How does Jesus make tea???? Hebrews it. Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone? He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for. What do you call a sleepwalking nun… A roamin’ Catholic. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 3 old ladies in a park. A man walks up and opens his trench to reveal his naked self … The first old lady has a stroke and the second old lady has a stroke. The third one can’t cause her arm isn’t long enough.  Big Bopper: On his birthday, an 85 year- old man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. (Edited by Big Bopper)  JohnPaolucci: My fiancee just left me for a tractor salesman. She never gave me any reason or anything. All I got was a John Deer letter in the mail. | Off Topic Chat Room Similar Conversations |