Joke for the Day. (Page 45) Big Bopper: Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted. Big Bopper: A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but......something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting the granite countertops" (Edited by Big Bopper)  The13th: Ah. Police Dog .... takes me a couple of weeks to finally understand the funny part because I have never seen that two english word put together ... I guess thats why police all over the world always called them K-9 instead of police dog. The13th: how about this for another police laugh .... There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!" The13th: A fren came back from UK told me about this joke. Havent seen him for 20 years. Hope he is fine. Cheers Bro. Big Bopper: Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it." After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess." Big Bopper: The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment." Big Bopper: A telephone surveyor phones the Dinklage household. "Sir, I'm a telephone surveyor and I want to ask you a question." "Just one question?" The survey caller said, "Yes, just one question." Mr. Dinlage said, "Are you sure you are going to ask only one question?" The survey caller said, "Yes." '"OK then, go ahead," said Mr Dinklage. The survey caller said, "Do you use vaseline?" The old friend said, "Yes." Trying his luck the survey caller asked, "What do you use vaseline for?" The old friend said, "Sex." Trying his luck again the survey caller asked, "And how do you use it for sex?" Dinklage said, "I put it on the door handles to keep the children out!" (Edited by Big Bopper)  Mz Demeanor: Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO!!! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma Mz Demeanor: CANADIAN TEMPERATURES 70 ABOVE Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. People in Canada go swimming in the Lakes. 60 ABOVE North Carolinians try to turn on the heat. People in Canada plant gardens. 50 ABOVE Californian's shiver uncontrollably. People in Canada sunbathe. 40 ABOVE Italian and English cars won't start. People in Canada drive with the windows down. 32 ABOVE Distilled water freezes. Lake Superior's water gets thicker. 20 ABOVE Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats. People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt. 15 ABOVE Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold. 0 DEGREES People in Miami all die........ Canadians lick the flagpole. 20 BELOW Californians fly away to Mexico People in Canada get out their winter coats. 40 BELOW Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Guides of Canada are selling cookies door to door. 60 BELOW Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 80 BELOW Mt. St. Helen's freezes. People in Canada rent some videos. 100 BELOW Santa Claus abandons the North Pole Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg. 297 BELOW Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands. 360 BELOW ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale). People in Canada start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?" 500 BELOW Hell freezes over. The Leafs win the Stanley Cup  Captain Canada: 297 below is so true hehehe Even our cows are tough than any Yankee eh 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦 Big Bopper: A photographer on vacation in Toronto was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The visitor was intrigued and asked apriest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The visitor thanked the priest and went along his way. His next stop was in Winnipeg. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Toronto and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the traveller. He then traveled to New York, Miami, Seattle, Los Angeles and Vancouver. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it. The tourist, upon leaving Vancouver decided to travel across on the ferry. He arrived on the other side and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.' The guy was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but the price was always $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're on Vancouver Island now, son...it’s a local call." (Edited by Big Bopper) Big Bopper: Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers. To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before an RCMP pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! 'What's going on here?' 'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly. 'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?' I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!' Mz Demeanor: a joke for the botanists...this is a personal favourite of mine that I heard about 30 years ago. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?" The13th: I see, the keywords are "for the botanists". I just start to realized I don't know why places has to be called a botanical garden. Like the word garden does not render enough weight. So they add some heavy word. Lets try: Mechanical spoon, Electrical bub, Engineering speaker, Pharmaceutical panadol, Computational phone, Architectural chair, Momentum car, Mathematical calculator, English rugby players, Scottish (2t!!!) footballer. | Off Topic Chat Room Similar Conversations |
