Joke for the Day. (Page 42) Wild__: After the Republican debate, Donald Trump’s campaign bus stopped by the White House. Trump steps off the bus, carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard in front of the White House snaps to attention and says: “Nice pigs, sir.” Donald Trump replies: “These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Barack Obama and I got one for Hillary Clinton.” The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, and says: “Excellent trade, sir.”  Big Bopper: I was having a picnic with the wife by the ocean, and I asked her, "What would you like to drink"? "Anything on the rocks", she answered. Right, so sea water it is then.  Mz Demeanor: An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts…so the driver happily munches them. Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.. Driver: Why don’t you eat them yourself? Old lady: I can’t chew. Look, I have no teeth.. Driver: Then why do you buy them? Old lady: Oh, I just love the chocolates around them! Mz Demeanor: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....  wayne elliott: Woman gets on a bus with her baby. Driver says "That's the ugliest baby I have ever seen!" Woman sits down next to man and says "That bus driver just insulted me." Man says "Well you go back up there and you give him a piece of your mind! Here, I'll hold the monkey." Big Bopper: A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband enters, "Myp...s" (sorry) The wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." Big Bopper: It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in."So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. "Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows. "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. "Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. "The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "THE DAM* DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!" Big Bopper: Honeymoon Western style A cowboy and his new wife arrive at the hotel for their honeymoon. He walks up to the receptionist and says, "We're gonna need a strong bed." The receptionist looks at them both in their wedding clothes and asks, "Would you like the bridal?" The cowboy ponders that for a moment, then says, "No, I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it." Big Bopper: The Law of Reality Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. (Edited by Big Bopper) wayne elliott: "King Arthur, I have raped and pillaged all the Saxons in the south." "You idiot, Lancelot! I have no enemies in the south!" "You do now." Big Bopper: Here is some essential technical jargon for use in the workplace: Glossary of Engineering Terminology "That's interesting" = I've never seen anything remotely like that before "We'll just run diagnostics" = I wonder if that will give us a clue "OK, that's good" = what the hell was that noise? "We've noticed some failure evidence" = something's burning "A number of different approaches are being tried" = we are still pissing in the wind "Major technological breakthrough" = it works OK, but looks very hi-tech "All new" = parts not interchangeable with the previous design "Rugged" = too damn heavy to lift "lightweight" = lighter than rugged. "energy saving" = achieved when the power switch is off "low maintenance" = impossible to fix if broken "An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem" = We just took on three new university graduates "Close project co-ordination" = We know who to blame. "Customer satisfaction is assured" = We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered at all "Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive" = It blew up when we turned it on "Test results were extremely gratifying" = We were amazed to find it works "The entire concept will have to be abandoned" = The only person who understood the thing has left "We will look into it" = Forget it! We have enough problems for now. " Please note and initial" = Let's spread the responsibility for the mess "Give us the benefit of your thinking" = We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done. "See me, or let's discuss" = Come into my office, I'm lonely "Years of development" = One finally worked. (Edited by Big Bopper)  snazys: Johny goes to the pharmacist. Asks for 1 condom. Then asks for another 2. The pharmacist wants to know why. Because my girlfriend has a beautiful sister and the mother is not bad either, says Johny Later at the girlfriend's house, Johny is praying for about 10 minutes. I did not know you were religous says his girlfriend. I did not know your father was the pharmacist says Johny Big Bopper: ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! Big Bopper: Dangerous but funny prank They dressed the truck up with the guy tied down on the roof. The driver and passengers put on moose heads. Then they went down the highway...causing 16 accidents . Big Bopper: A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?" Big Bopper: Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.” The other woman responds proudly, “Yes, I sure am!” The first one says, “So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?” The other woman answers, “I’m from Dublin , I am.” The first one responds, “So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?” The other woman says, “A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.” The first one says, “Faith, and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?” The other woman answers, “Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..” The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?” The other woman answers, “Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.” The first woman exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!” About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.” Michael asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?” Brian answers, “The Murphy twins are pissed again.” Big Bopper: DISCLAIMER: The following is intended as a joke only. No racism, bigotry or personal offence is intended or implied. It's just a joke. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!" | Off Topic Chat Room Similar Conversations |
