Dull Jokes (part two)... continued from (part one)... :)

Stewart75
Stewart75: A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I should hope not ma'am, it's now only 2130."
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davidk14
davidk14: .

LOL...Good one Stewart!!!!

.
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harlett
harlett: LOL.....i agree with @david14.......

later on joke hunt....
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harlett
harlett: Ask yourself this...
Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

It's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow. How cold will it be?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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harlett
harlett: JUST STOLEN FROM A SirLixAlot posting...

Hiding on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 24 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."
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USEtheUSER
USEtheUSER: A police man spoted one male person - NAKED - jearking off, on his balcony...


"What are you doing there, you maniac"?!?

Sorry sir, its my doctor...he said to my wife:

"You have to plan your familly...If you dont want to use contraception...tell him to ejaculate outside"

lol
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harlett
harlett: LOL
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DiIIy
DiIIy: The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks,
"Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that
Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on
her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty
old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
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Stewart75
Stewart75: An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop...

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..."
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harlett
harlett: LOL..with both Dilly & Stewitt................
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DiIIy
DiIIy: The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How... embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

"It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
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harlett
harlett: I'm gonna have a awful belly ache from LOL.................GOLLY Dilly how charming...............
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DiIIy
DiIIy: Last bad joke for the night, i dont have anymore.

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me
downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
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harlett
harlett: AAHHHHH another one......how bleeping CHARMING...........LOL...................
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Stewart75
Stewart75: An eight-year-old boy went into a shop and picked out a large box of washing powder. The shopkeeper asked him if he had a lot of washing to do...

"Oh, no," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the shopkeeper. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him. "But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the washing powder to the counter and paid for it.

A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The shopkeeper asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died,"...said the boy.

The shopkeeper said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, said the boy, "I don't think it was the washing powder that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"Not really sure…maybe the spin cycle"
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harlett
harlett: LOL ...leave it too our STEWITT too find funny cruel jokes......
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Stewart75
Stewart75: It's how you tell em... write/modify em... Harlett...

... that's what makes it/them funny...
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harlett
harlett: it's a great stress relieving thread STEWITT.... thank you...
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Stewart75
Stewart75: You're welcome...
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harlett
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Stewart75
Stewart75: Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. How do New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. What's a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q: How do you circumcise a Redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. Why do women adjust their hair at traffic lights?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
(Edited by Stewart75)
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PureSilver67
PureSilver67: great thread Stewart and everyone who added to it .. Great belly laugh !!!
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Stewart75
Stewart75: A newlywed redneck couple arrive at their hotel to begin their honeymoon...

The manager greets them and says "I see you're newlyweds! ... I can give you the Bridal".

"No thanks", says the husband... "I'll just hold onto her ears 'til she gets the hang of it !"
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Stewart75
Stewart75: Q. Why don’t blind men skydive…?
A. Cos’ it scares the shit outta the dog...
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blogmaestro
blogmaestro: That first one was one I posted elsewhere a few days ago.
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Stewart75
Stewart75: Oh, was it...?

... which first one...?
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