Dark Jokes (Page 9)

LiptonCambell
LiptonCambell: Me and the gf were watching a law show earlier, with a rape victim suing the rapist- the rapist said some inflammatory remarks about how he had permission by her husband, and my gf was all shocked about it and asked me, having seen that show before, if it was true.

No, I said- He's just trying to get under her skin....

Moments later, I realized I made a rape joke
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Stassi SUR
(Post deleted by Stassi SUR 11 years ago)
ColonelKusanagi
ColonelKusanagi: must have been too dark ...
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LiptonCambell
LiptonCambell: If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Impotence; God's way of saying "no hard feelings"

Down with panties!

W.I.F.E.- Washing, Ironing, Fucking, ect

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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: On Day a teacher was talking about Marriage in class...

Teacher : What kind of wife
would you like Johnny?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...
do you want her to be beautiful
and calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night
and fuck off in the morning!
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Fox News is already cowering down to the President.....

In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air " America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.

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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Warm thoughts.....

A six year old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room .......

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!

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Corwin
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~:
A woman was playing golf alone at the Mississauga Golf & Country Club when she took a big swing, slipped and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from Queen's Park that included Dalton McGuinty.

Having seen the lady fall, Dalton quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Dalton McGuinty and I hope you'll vote for me in the next elect ion."

She laughed loudly and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head."


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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Not sure if this one is already in here......



My daughter just walked into the living room and said:


"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother".

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... She actually said...


"Daddy, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."



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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family into prayer...

Little Boy : "But I don't know how to pray."

Dad: "Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc."

Little Boy : "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their
children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't
come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and
wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all

those poor naked ladies on my daddy's blackberry and provide shelter for the

homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.. AMEN "


Mom and Dad did not have dinner that evening......


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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in the U.K. now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in the U.K. and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again
.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming British, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Not sure if I have put these up before.............



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".


At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!


Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.


A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."


The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.


Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
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Corwin
Corwin:

Have you heard the one about the blind prostitute? You really have to hand it to her.
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: hahaha

A man dials his home and a strange woman answers. The man says, "Who
is this? " "This is the maid," answers the woman. "We don't have a
maid," says the man. The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the
lady of the house. " The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she
there? " The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with
someone who I figured was her husband. " The man is fuming and says to
the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000? " The maid says,
"What will I have to do? " The man tells her, "I want you to get my
gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with. " The
maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun
shots. The maid comes back to the phone "What do I do with the bodies?
" The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool. " Puzzled, the maid
answers, "But you don't have a pool. "

A long pause and the man says, "Is this 555-5555? "



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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~:
Another one of life's mysteries explained quite simply:....

An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:

"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?

To which the Newfoundlander replies:
"Lord thunderin' Jesus, you must be stunned as me arse.

If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fre kin boat!!!!
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.


"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"


She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'



"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?


Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and the reason is simple.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."




I rest my case.......
lols



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Corwin
Corwin: Good one.
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and
shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money,
will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home
for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after
he has given up drinking and golf."

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Corwin
Corwin: So I got my prostate checked out the other day, and it just happens that the specialist was a very attractive woman doctor. Half-way through the examination she suddenly stops, and says, "I'm afraid that you're going to have to stop masturbating."

I said, "Really?? Why?"

She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
(Edited by Corwin)
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

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Corwin
Corwin: You know how absent minded people text and drive? Well... I remember many years ago I had a friend who was a chain-smoker, and used to fill his Zippo lighter at the wheel. This one time he hit a bump and squirted lighter-fluid all over his arm without realizing it... he lights up his smoke, and POOF his arm lights up.

His first reaction was to stick his arm out the window... so he's flailing his arm around out the window, and the wind just made it burn more. At this point we saw the cruiser's lights flashing behind us and a cop pulls us over. He pleaded to the officer, trying to explain what happened... but the officer proceeded to write the ticket.

Of course, back in those days there weren't any "texting and driving" laws in the books......
I believe he was charged with "waving a firearm".

(baddoom tssshhh!!)

Sorry... a new spin on an old and stupid joke... not so much dark.
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~LoisLane~
~LoisLane~: OMG you are sooo getting some beats for that one!!! .....I did chuckle and then face palm lols.

Mine isnt really a joke and should go in the thread "stupid people" but...Same kind of thing with filling a zippo. My friend was filling mine for me ,as I was saying "Becareful" he spills it on his hand and down his arm. I jokingly say "Ya, now try liting it" and then I laugh...Does the stupid daft fool not flick the zippo and exactly...BOOM he lites his hand on fire....So of course I scream and grab something to "Out his hand" ...as hes rubbing it on my carpet.

Not quite a spin on stupid, just plain stupid LOLS....
(Edited by ~LoisLane~)
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Mz Demeanor
Mz Demeanor: Late at night, a nun steps onto a bus. Being the sole passenger, she sits behind the bus-driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"

The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."

The bus driver says, "I'm not married"

The nun says, "And I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in the rear".

The driver pulls over, and the deed is done.

Afterwards the bus driver confesses, "I have to tell you, I actually am married."

The nun says, "I also have a confession to make.... my name is Larry, and I'm on my way to a costume party."
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