Dark Jokes (Page 26) Mz Demeanor: I was hiking once with my boyfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my boyriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace. Mz Demeanor: It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds. An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle. Mz Demeanor: Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!" Doctor: "Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!" (Edited by Mz Demeanor) Mz Demeanor: My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. - Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest. Mz Demeanor: Son, "Mommy, mommy, daddy hanged himself in the attic!" Mother, "What??!!" Son, "Gotcha, April's fool! He hangs in the garage."  Fate_: I have a really small wiener. At least that’s what the priest told me. A drunk a priest and a pedofile walk into a bar….. that was just the first person! Why did the chicken cross the road? Because there was a Catholic priest standing next to it.  Gaylexdresser: A Catholic priest who had not had a vacation in years decided he was going to take at least a couple of days off. He first needed to find some one to hear confessions, so he looked around and the only person he found was the janitor. He called him over to him and said " I want to take a few days off but I need you to listen to the confession and give the penance to every one that comes to confess their sins" But Father I don't know if I can do that " replied the janitor. It is very easy my son just listen and give them their penance it is written on the wall .So the janitor agrees .A man confesses that he stole money from his employer and cheated on his wife the janitor looks at wall and tells the man " For the sins you committed say 10 of the Lord's Prayer so you may be for given "Next was a lady who said " Father for give me for I had an affair with a married man ,and also had anal sex." The janitor did not see any thing for having anal sex so he says to her " For give me child I will be right back" He leaves to find some one to tell him what the penance is for anal sex.Finding no one he sees an Altar Boy and says "What does Father Tim gives for anal sex ?" The altar boy says." A cheese burger and fries" (Edited by Gaylexdresser)  LoisS: Aussie Telephone Operator...... G'day mate. Helpline here ! What's yer problem ?" Caller: "I am in the Outback with my girlfriend and she has been stung on her thigh by a hornet, and now, her vagina has completely closed up !" Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer !" Caller: "Great advice ! Thanks mate, bye." LoisS: Two Ladies Talking in Heaven 1st woman: Hi! Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive...  Fate_: My wife is currently in 'witness protection' After what she witnessed , she wont be leaving our cellar anytime soon. lost my virginity for a pound today. shouldn't have bent over to pick it up. When life hands you lemons, gift wrap them to your neighbour and bang his wife while he makes lemonade. My wife just turned to me and said, "Have you let one go?" I said, "Of course not. I killed them all". Gaylexdresser: A man goes to his doctor ."What brings you in today Mr.Smith?"the doctor asks "Well doc I woke up this morning and noticed this bump in the middle of my forehead ." Unsure what it was the doctor tells him that he will do a biopsy to find out what the bump could be.Tells him as soon as he gets the results he will notify him.A couple days go by he calls him to come to his office as soon as he can.In no time Mr Smith arrives hoping that it is not to serious. "Mr. Smith please take a chair and sit ." " The results show is that you have a penis growing out of your forehead " "Oh my god are you telling me that for as long as I live and looking in the mirror I am going to see penis growing out of my forehead is that what you are saying?" "Not at all because in a day or two you will have two balls in front of your eyes" Gaylexdresser: What are the three biggest lies men tell women? #3 No you are not fat #2 Yes I do love you And the biggest lie is ......I promise not to cum in your mouth Fate_: I took a woman back to mine last night. She said, "I'm like a fine wine in bed. I've got better with age." I said, "Well I'm like Jack Daniels." She asked, "Aged 18?" I said, "No. Good liquor" Mz Demeanor: A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!" Mz Demeanor: A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you." Fate_: An old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice. He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog: “I’m a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust. The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket. Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked: “What, you’re not going to kiss me?” “Nope,” replied the old man. “At my age it’s more fun to have a talking frog than a bloody sex maniac. Hard work is never appreciated, only the result matters. … When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say “Congratulations!”. But none of her friends come and touch the tip of the man’s johnson and say, “Well done!” Fate_: I don’t really remember much about the first time I met my wife. I just opened my wallet and there she was. My missus once baked a cake so dark and rich that one of the Kardashians wanted to marry it. “Sometimes I wonder if you even remember what my face looks like,” Said my girlfriend’s tits. A guy at work said to me, “Have you ever had a threesome?” I said, “Yeah, with my wife and a nurse.” He said, “And your wife was ok about it?” I said, “She didn’t have a choice, she was in a coma.” I got a call today from a distorted voice saying “Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife” Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money. My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with. “Eleven,” I replied. “Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed. “No,” I said, “I’m their coach. My wife said she’d like to have another baby. I agreed, the one we have is f***ing annoying! Fate_: Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.... The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?" |
