Dark Jokes (Page 23) Mz Demeanor: Strong people don't put other people down. They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum impact.  Fate_: When I was growing up my parents made a lot of sacrifices. They were actually devil worshipers. Fate_: I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I‘d got the biggest d**k she’d ever laid her hands on, I said, “You’re pulling my leg” Fate_: An Irish boy is crying at the side of the road. A man asks "what's wrong??", the boy says, "Me ma is dead", "Oh bejaysus", the man says, "Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you??", the boy replies, "No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on me moind at the moment." Fate_: Man in court for beating his wife............... Judge asks "why do you keep beating her?", defendant replies:- "I think it's my weight advantage, hand speed, longer reach, and superior footwork"  LoisS: Recent survey indicates that Smartphone is now the number one hand held device. Penis has slipped to second spot. Fate_: Q. What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? A. The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says, "Are you done already?" The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." Fate_: Saw this stunning girl at a bar last night. I got her a drink, walked over to her and then felt my knees go weak and my stomach turn to butterflies. Turns out that I spiked the wrong drink by mistake. Fate_: If Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber were drowning in a swimming pool, what type of sandwich would you make? Fate_: Took a girl home last night and I accidentally said ‘how’s your daddy’ instead of ‘who’s your daddy’. We spent 2 hours talking about her dad’s cholesterol. Fate_: Some people say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I’m a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street, smoking, talking on my cellphone and getting hit by a car all at the same time.  WarriorMouse: A guy goes in to have a tooth pulled. It is a lady dentist. She enters with a large needle to numb the area. He says: "NO...I just can't tolerate needles!" She replies: "What about gas then?" "NO! I am scared that I will suffocate!" She says "OK then. What about pills?" He replies "Yes that is fine." She returns with 2 blue pills. "This is Viagra" She tells him. He says: "I didn't know Viagra was a pain medication." She replies: "It's not, But it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth." Fate_: Got sacked from my job yesterday for being a pervert. I don’t understand why, I’m always hard at work. Fate_: I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace. Fate_: What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler? Just the Rottweiler. Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday." Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?" Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer." Friend, "But you can't die of that!" Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we had to shoot him." Fate_: Good news: Your wife is pregnant, yay! Bad news: She’s expecting triplets. Terrible news: You’ve had vasectomy… Good news: Your wife won’t talk to you. Bad news: She wants a divorce. Terrible news: She’s a lawyer… Fate_: My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far. I said, “Only you, my darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest of them.” Mz Demeanor: ^^^^  What's the worst thing you can do to your husband when you're having sex? Phone him. Fate_: The following conversation took place between a husband and wife. Husband: Honey, can you smell that? Wife: No. Husband: Exactly I can’t either so get in the kitchen and start cooking. |
