Dark Jokes (Page 14) Short lols.... After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon. An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!! Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! Subject: Politically Incorrect...... I just love a good politically incorrect joke because some people just have to lighten the up !! Fundamental truths are easy to recognize because they are verified daily through simple observation and thus, require no testing. The best line I ever heard was when this young Muslim kid was being reprimanded for the last time before being fired. Predictably, the Muslim youth said to the shop foreman, "You're firing me because I'm Muslim!" The boss said. "No, we had to hire you because you were Muslim. We're firing you because you’re fucking useless! SCOTTISH WEDDING At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death. SEX Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband. New Book A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?" She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "That's the one; I'll take a copy…" Poor Lance Armstrong - I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike. The Agony of Aging.... On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back". Drive By.... A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Bastard!! Pregnant Prostitute Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" "For f.... sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?" *The Blind Clerk at Cabela's.... A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally lets out a little "toot". At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around? The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Stink Bait is $3.50." She paid it and left without saying a word.* (lols) Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.? The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, thought it was hard to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A. Good Friend.... A guy brings his best buddy home for dinner. His wife screams, "You asshole! My hair and makeup aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?" "Cause he's thinking of getting married...." The End MARRIAGE/MARIJUANA ... For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned." We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before! The Haircut... One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, There was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Senator came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Senator was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Senators lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. REMEMBER: POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON. The Prostate Exam... After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in Cape Town, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination, the nurse said, "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection." "I haven't got an erection," said the man. "No, but I have," replied the nurse. Moral: Don't have this procedure done in Cape Town Irish Birth Control... Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, 'And be there Any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways.. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!' The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?' She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle.' An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side”.  any way you could use caca doo doo fanny foo foo speak to get around that? otherwise i have lots and lots of racist and antisemitic jokes that have no place anywhere but in front of the offended. they always have a better one to top it. Be careful Golfers... A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while, a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh Golly!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course's 16th hole. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. It kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I grab hold of it and say, 'O.K. buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes." "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well...not everybody pays." Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?' To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, --- let's look for yours."  A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.' A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' Omg... tooo fn funny... i could not even begin to compete with these, but i will certainly come back to check them out... what a hoot...  there once was a man from Peru, who fell asleep in a canoe, who dreamt of venus, while holding his penis and woke up with a hand full of goo. limerick anyone? Butter Cups & Golf Balls.... Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden: POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!?! Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!' Then POOF!... she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?' Fred yells back, 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.' Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!' |
to *UN PC jokes*...