Dark Jokes (Page 13)

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under
it. I'm scared.. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'


How much do you charge?'

Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the expert.


'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me

about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that

I went and bought myself a new car!'

'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender

cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

THE DEAD COW LECTURE This is the best example for paying attention that I have
ever heard.....


First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending
their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor
started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary
to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything

involving the animal's body. " For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet,

stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out,

hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of
the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked
at them and said,



"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck my middle finger in the cow and sucked on my index finger.


Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE ....


A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon, from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'




Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.

(Not sure if this one is in here but)


Let's see if you can figure this out:..


There was a whore house at the top of a hill, with a large

Red light at the bottom of the hill.

There were four men ...

One was walking briskly up the hill;


One was inside the brothel;


One was walking slowly down the hill and


The fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men?

*
*
* The man going up the hill: was rushin



* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin



* The man walking down the hill: was finish............



* The man in the car at the bottom was a Newfie,




He was waiting for the light to turn green.

Men in Heaven



When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Night Call....

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was past midnight, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“It just worked for me,” he replied.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet,

I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

Magic in a Jamaican Bakery....


An Arab and a Jamaican go into Powell's bakery.


The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket.


He says to the Jamaican, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything!"

The Jamaican says to the Arab, " Lisen bredda mek I man show you there is

nobody betta than a Jamaican."

He goes to the owner and says,"Give me a pastry and I will show you a

magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and give him a pastry.

The Jamaican swallows it and ask for another one.

The owner gives him another one.

Then the Jamaican asks for another one and swallows it just the same.


The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and says,


"What did you do with the pastry?

The Jamaican answers, .......... "Look in the Arab's pocket."

I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"F**king' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says "Hello!"


He's rather taken back because he can't remember how he knows her.


So he asks “Do you know me?”


To which she replies “I think you're the father of one of my kids.”


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and asks “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”


She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher."

The true story of the Chicken Gun...

Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead

chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all

traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents

of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the

windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a

gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled

out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,

blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two,

and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along

with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)

by golly that's an episode of mythbusters, one of my favorites actually

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.


When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and


running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,


'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted


by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,


'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.


My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'


'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me,


'would you please tie my shoe?'

ELDERLY.......


While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,


I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.


She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly


the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false


teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,


she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard


the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.


Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.


Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box


and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.


The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous


dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:


'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'

i will never hear anything but "into the hole he goes" again

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home


When an old Grandpa walked by.

And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,

"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said,

"There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said,

"Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,

"You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "No! Go away!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered...

"Fine... then I'll just go wait at the bottom."

The Muslim And The Parrot

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.

"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.

"Brampton" !!!... There's fuckin' thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.

Condom factory fire....(not sure if I put this up before)

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.
President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock.. What about Canada ?"

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Stephen Harper and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... all colored with red maple leaves with small writing on each one:




MADE IN CANADA - SIZE: SMALL

Oh Lois, I always look forward to your jokes! LMAO

Truck Driver...


A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before sex could help him last longer.

So he decided to try it.

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.

He couldn't do it in his office, so he thought about the restroom, but that was too open.

He considered an alley, but figured he might get mugged.

Finally, he was inspired.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.

He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and said, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on here?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."