Dark Jokes (Page 12)

When Lena got off work up there at Stonebridge, it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero.


She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to get home. She sat in the car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.. Then she remembered Bill's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plough to come by and follow it.


That way she would not have to worry about going off the road or getting stuck in a snow drift.

Sure enough, in a little while, a snow plough went by and she pulled out and began to follow it. As she followed along behind, she felt quite comfortable and smug as they continued on their way and she was not having any problem with the blizzard or road conditions.


After some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plough stopped.




The driver got out of the cab and came back to her car. She became concerned that the road conditions were going to get worse…




He signaled for her to roll down her window and asked if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.

Lena said she was fine and told him of her husband’s advice to follow a plough when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied it was okay with him and that she could continue to follow him if she wanted, ....




But he wanted her to know…. that he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Canadian Tire next.

Grandpa's Drink....



ONE FOR ALL THE OLD CODGERS !!!!


There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table .

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after

a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom .

When he returned , however, his trousers are wet all over .

'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know.

I had to go to the bathroom ; so , I took it out and started to pee , but

then, I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back !'

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from
work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and
another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She
was astonished!

It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said, 'Wives who work
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have
sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends
all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the
kitchen.
He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it
away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that........... Chuck was too tired.'


God is good!!

"Morning Sex "

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally
slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all
about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

still fun but i could swear this is already posted in this thread, not that i can be bothered to check. woopsie

Me too...I wasnt sure so I took the chance ......

hell i think you can start from page one and post them back one by one for a refresher course, who reads thru a whole thread anyway?

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Tim Horton’s.....




"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.


"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."


"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.


"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said one elderly lady!"


"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.


"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.


"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.


"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.


The others nodded in agreement.


"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully.... "Thank God we can all still drive."

The Penis Study

The American government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was wider than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was wider than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the U.S. published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was wider than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

^^^ (do you think that study was done in Newfoundland?)

Hahahaha....Either there or up North



Fosters Beer Helpline...............

"G'day mate, Fosters Helpline. What's the problem dude?"

"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her bits by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up"

"Bummer dude"

"Good advice,thanks bye"

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'.'
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines’ cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives.”
The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.”
“Really?”
“Yes sir. They’re called darts.”

The job transfer.....


On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit, John was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.


"What's the matter?" John asked


"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."


John replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."


The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"


"Me?" said John.


"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Romantic Husband...

Man said to his wife "Alright you sexy thing, upstairs now"

She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky bastard"

He said "No, seriously, hockey is starting, bugger off”

(if this one is already here.....oops..)



Why am I Divorced?............

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very
well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
he barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...... well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me....'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day...
we don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ....
followed by my husband
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch......



Naked.

FAST SEX!....

Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.
One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!"
Darren said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, "Ask him for $200 and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. Then give me a call."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

(This is an oldie but it still made me laugh........)


WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS............

This one is priceless. A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.


Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.


The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.



The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:




To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: July 8, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

(Not really dark but cute as hell).....


An elderly couple

had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

A little old man

shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Hospital regulations....

require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Somebody I know warned me about this scam so I thought I'd let you know about it.

OLDER MEN SCAM......


Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Sam’s, Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.


Here's how the scam works:


Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also February 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $1.00 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

Cardiologist and the Honda Mechanic.

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.


The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,


"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.



The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,


"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic....


"Try doing it with the engine running."