Dark Jokes (Page 11)

Mitt Romney and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Romney in his chair reached for the aftershave. Romney was quick to stop him saying,

'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you sir?' Obama replied,

'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

Dating pointers from a SCOTSMAN


A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being a 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"

So, they walked past it again.........

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the
obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50
cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then she says,
"Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that
there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says,
"In that case, let it read,


"Fred Brown died: Golf clubs for sale.

The Boston Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, reported to a plastic surgeon for removal of her love handles. She emerged two days later .... with no ears.

LOLSSSSSSS.......

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.


She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."


I said, "If I did that, I would be talking to that good looking gal over there and not you."





I went to the pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table.


I said to her, "Great legs."


The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."


I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "





I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.


"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."


After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.


"Come on, what day was I born"?


I said, " yesterday."







I got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.


The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

A man and his wife are on holiday in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it is, and looking down at his wrist the man realizes he has left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally find an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.

"Excuse me," the husband says, "Could you tell us the time?"
"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and reaches down and grabs the donkey's balls. "It is 3:00," says the peasant.
"Thank you," replies the wife in a surprised voice.

After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat, the couple return to the old man for the time. Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says: "It is now 4:45."
"That's amazing," says the husband. "How can you can tell the time like that?"
"Sit here where I am," says the peasant. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?"
"Of course," the man replies.
"Now reach down and take them into your hand."
Hesitantly, the husband does as he is instructed.
"Now, slowly lift them," he continues. Again the husband does as instructed.
"Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs."
The husband does as he's told.
"Now," the old man says, "Can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"

A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before.


Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.

He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top.


The bedroom is immaculate.


On the bedside table is a note, which says, "Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you."


Downstairs, he finds his favorite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast. "Tell me, son," he asks, "what happened last night?"

"Well," says the boy, "you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye."

"Holy shit!" says the man. "Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?"

"When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!'"

Yossel worked in a Ukrainian pickle factory. For many years he had a
powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the
factory psychologist..
After six months, the therapist gave up.
He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never
have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in
the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it,
And he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal,
completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

*Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their
car which said:*

*Two Prostitutes - $50.00.**
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either
have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: *

*'JESUS SAVES.'**

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign
pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers
driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign: **

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50*

An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar.


They're staring at another man. Suddenly the Irishman says, "It's Jesus!"


Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian.


Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. When he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.


He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of a amazement:


"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"


Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go the man's eyes widen with shock. "Strewth, mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"


Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus.


The Newfie shouts, "Piss off, I'm on Workers Compensation!"

Drinking With A Canadian Gal.....

A Mexican, an Arab,
and a Canadian Gal are
in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer,
he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out
his pistol, and shoots
the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico ,
our glasses are so
cheap we don't need
to drink with the
same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this,
drinks non-alcohol beer
throws it into the
air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the
Arab World, we have
so much sand to make
glasses that we don't
need to drink with
the same one twice either.'

The Canadian Gal,
picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into
the air, whips out her
45, and shoots the
Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass,
setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Canada , we have so many immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Canada !!

(I think this one might be in here already)....

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.....



I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan .

Having not seen my wife for several months, I was horny & hot, pulsing with anticipation and looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head, and I shot her.

My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.......

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you x."



I replied... "I'm having a shit. What should I do?

BIG PEOPLE WORDS.....

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana.'

'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo.
'
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.'

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book,' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:

"Winnie the SHIT"

Sex After Surgery...


A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
“Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

It all makes sense now. Gay marriage & marijuana being legalized on the same day.


Leviticus 20:13- "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."
We were just interpreting it wrong.


PSALM 109:8

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum i luvum

Who is Jack Schitt??.......


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't knowJack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner
of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.


Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a

son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.


Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.


The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the

Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.


Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.


He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride,

Pisa Schitt.


Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you

can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

Mississippi.........


The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Carolina.......

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee......

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas.......

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

my drug dealer said he wasnt going to front me anymore pills as he thought i was developing a multiple personality disorder.........did he mean sociopathic personality disorder?....whatever, what could he do anyway.....we had him surrounded