tenderralph Online

60 Divorced Male from Juniata       161
         
I have a below the knee amputation with major surgery to my other foot caused by diabetic complications. So I would like to find someone to chat with.
tenderralph
tenderralph: Glad this day is finally over. I am wore out.
12 hours ago Report Link
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Southern Sugar 1 hour ago Report
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sky_deep 51 minutes ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Mowing and raking finally done. Exhausted and hot but still need to dispose of two trash containers full of grass clippings but no hurry for that. Time for the next project but it is inside not in the sun.
19 hours ago Report Link
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angel
angel: Hope you are doing good. Take care.
15 hours ago Report
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Danger_Princess
Danger_Princess: The heat can be a killer. Please take it easy
15 hours ago Report
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Southern Sugar
Southern Sugar: stay out of the heat if you can
14 hours ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: A married woman of 10 years goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she’s back at the doctor’s. She says, ‘Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn’t five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right there on the table.’ The doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.’ ‘Naah…’ she says, ‘that’s okay. We wouldn?t go back to that restaurant anyway.’
1 day ago Report Link
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smelly 500
smelly 500: not unusual....but when happened to me, no pill involved...in on call room at hospital the day I was oncall and gf visiting me....only problem, chief resident tried to open door and get his white jacket right at onset og the magic moment....as far as we were concerned...so turned on the world could watch and we wouldn't even know....lol....passion is great, and without any pills ever to this very day
1 day ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Re-post from Pain Elemental..
For all my friends, whether close or casual, Or just because. One of the longest posts I will ever do, and the most real too. Everyone will go through some hard times at some point. Life isn't easy. Just something to think about. Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? Did you know the three hardest things to say are I love you, I'm sorry, and help me? Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile to see how much pain they may be in. To all my friends who are going through some issues right now--let's start an intention avalanche. We all need positive intentions right now. If I don't see your name, I'll understand. May I ask my friends wherever you might be, to kindly copy and paste this status for one hour to give a moment of support to all of those who have family problems, health struggles, job issues, worries of any kind and just needs to know that someone cares. Do it for all of us, for nobody is immune. I hope to see this on the walls of all my friends just for moral support. I know some will!!! I did it for a friend and you can too. You have to copy and paste this one!..
1 day ago Report Link
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sassyone791 1 day ago Report
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sky_deep 1 day ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Some times life just keeps piling shit on your door step until it gets to deep to wade through.
1 day ago Report Link
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sky_deep
sky_deep: So true sweetie...
1 day ago Report
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smelly 500
smelly 500: like everyday...I don't want to even opem my mail anymore...we live in boring shit society
1 day ago Report
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dizzyb4u
dizzyb4u: Here borrow my wellies & wade through this shit you can do it
1 day ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Rising Star is on.
5 days ago Report Link
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hermenia zipzip 5 days ago Report
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Southern Sugar 5 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Watching BIG BROTHER
5 days ago Report Link
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Kimmielouwho
Kimmielouwho: You are watching big brother watch us so you are watching us too ?
5 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: The President was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead and a brunette. To the blonde, he said, “I am the President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?” The blonde replied, “For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500.00.” To the redhead he asked the same question. She replied, “I will spend all the time you want for $1,000.00.” When he approached the brunette he asked the same question. She said, “If you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get your pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as times are now and screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won’t cost you a damn thing!”
6 days ago Report Link
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Thumbilina
Thumbilina: Doesn't cost him a damn things...they taxpayers pay it...lol...we're all getting screwed!
5 days ago Report
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sky_deep 5 days ago Report
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smelly 500
smelly 500: Ralph...the President is stupid...he should use my method...after already naked and turned on, just tell the girl u ar insolvent...one nice time she told me....hmmm, no money at all?...none i replied....then she started taking her clothes off and asked me, aren't u gonna fuck me?....I ansered sure, I want to....but remeber I am insolvent....she answered forget it, the money right now is not important, just forget it and get on top.....lol
5 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

“Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.”

Six months pass and Peter returns. “Yes, we can do this for you.”

The couple asks, “Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don’t work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?”

To which St. Peter answers, “It took me six months to find a priest up here — how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?”
6 days ago Report Link
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Danger_Princess 6 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Had a very nice lunch date today hope we get together again.
8 days ago Report Link
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Danger_Princess 8 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Awe I am sorry must have been someone else.
8 days ago Report
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Danger_Princess 8 days ago Report
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Catsllover
Catsllover: thanks
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tenderralph
tenderralph: One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

“Oh please excuse me,” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”

“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.” So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!

The bunny said, “I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?”

The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t got any balls…. You must be a politician.”
20 days ago Report Link
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KERBEROS2
KERBEROS2: haha...they are blind,cold,slippery and haven't got any balls...
20 days ago Report
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SoCal Ja NUT
SoCal Ja NUT: lmao
20 days ago Report
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sky_deep 20 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s, one of the
largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman
behind the counter and said. ‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife’
‘What type of bra?’ asked the clerk.
‘Type?’ inquires the man ‘There is more than one type?’
‘Look Around,’ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in
every shape, size color and material.
‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three
types of bras,’ replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied ‘The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type,
and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?’
Still confused the man asked ‘What is the difference between them?’
The lady responded ‘It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type
supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and
the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
22 days ago Report Link
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smelly 500
smelly 500: hmmm....the girls I hang with wear no bras at all...I call that the "natural" type
21 days ago Report
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sky_deep 21 days ago Report
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Southern Sugar 21 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking. One was
Irish, another English, and the last American. Soon, they came across
a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to
pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test.
The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was.
The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said, “Inside
the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said
to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with
a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a
woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied.”
The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American
went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward.
The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the
bottle, then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion
and roaring. No one emerged from the cave.
Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle.
He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion,
and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last
cave. Two minutes later, he came out puzzled and asked, “Where’s the
thorn in the woman’s foot?”
22 days ago Report Link
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LotusBlossomxx
LotusBlossomxx in reply to smelly 500:
21 days ago Report
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LotusBlossomxx
LotusBlossomxx: Lol Ralph...of course the American couldn't handle the alcohol! Lolol
21 days ago Report
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sky_deep
sky_deep: ...lol
21 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I’ll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, I’m terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I’ll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I’ll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You’re probably right…get up and get your own damn blanket.
24 days ago Report Link
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ghost star
ghost star: Loool
23 days ago Report
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cindy_f65
cindy_f65: funny
23 days ago Report
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Danger_Princess 23 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate…

The grandmother says, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”
28 days ago Report Link
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Henry Walsh 27 days ago Report
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smelly 500
smelly 500: Ralph, I have a bevy of grandma aged gals whose rosebuds are better than that of any teen, and I have many pics of teen rosebuds from this site alone....and these "grandmas" have no hanging baskets at all....all perky like a teens, and I won't get into what's happening below the belly button, but Ralph....its wild and wonderful goodies....lol don't judge a book by its cover
26 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”

Little Tony just said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you right now.”
28 days ago Report Link
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sky_deep
sky_deep: hehehe...
28 days ago Report
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Southern Sugar 27 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Extreme heat index again today but just a couple hours left of mowing. But it is all with the push mower now.
29 days ago Report Link
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Southern Sugar
Southern Sugar: don't over do it in that heat...not good
29 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.

The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. “Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side.”

The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face.

“Wow,” exclaims the man, “that is great!” He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks, “Wht happons if I akkidentally swawo du bawll?”

The barber says, “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.
1 month ago Report Link
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Thumbilina
Thumbilina: YUK!
1 month ago Report
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sky_deep
sky_deep: This joke stinks...lol
1 month ago Report
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Henry Walsh 1 month ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.

The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”

“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith.

“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”
1 month ago Report Link
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Thumbilina
Thumbilina: That's hospitals & insurance for you...lol
1 month ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Good Night World or Morning
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Southern Sugar 1 month ago Report
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sky_deep
sky_deep: Good morning.....
1 month ago Report
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Nicorrette
Nicorrette: thanks for encouraging!
1 month ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Thomas Rhett had the fair buzzing tonight. The last concert for this year at the Adams County Fair this year.
1 month ago Report Link
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Southern Sugar
Southern Sugar: glad u had agood time
1 month ago Report
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sky_deep
sky_deep: Glad you had fun...
1 month ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: “He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.” Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, “Nope, that ain’t George.”

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: “Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.” Again, “Nope, that ain’t George.”

Mortician: “How can you tell?”

Al: “George had two assholes.”

Mortician: “What? How could he have two assholes?”

Al: “Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, “Here comes George with those two assholes!”
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sky_deep
sky_deep: hehehe...
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tenderralph
tenderralph: An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew. After some time, one said to the other , “If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck”. “Yes,” the other one said, “I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee.” His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued.

“You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off.”

“My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?”

“Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye.”

“My, My, did that take your eye out? No, that was the first day I had my hook.”
1 month ago Report Link
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Going to see The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.
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LotusBlossomxx
LotusBlossomxx: Yeah! that too!
1 month ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Going to miss half of BIG BROTHER
1 month ago Report
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Southern Sugar
Southern Sugar: that's great
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