I have a below the knee amputation with major surgery to my other foot caused by diabetic complications. So I would like to find someone to chat with.
tenderralph: Ole and Sven in Hell
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
tenderralph: Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes,
he hides underneath the bed.”
The second kid replies,”Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so
scared that when my mom has to work the night shift, he sleeps with
the lady next door.”
tenderralph: Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, “I’ll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you’re finished.”
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, “Golly, it worked!”
Puzzled, his mother asked, “What do you mean?”
Little Johnny replied, “Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!”
tenderralph: A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don”t know what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… “Go get your Mother.”
smelly 500: yes, transformations, dreams, imagination, unobtasinasble goals, etc....all part of the human condition and everyday struggle for joy....best to leave wives out of this, not expect anything after 10 yrs togerther...just not worth ity...dreams don't come thru, but rerality doers.
tenderralph: It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”
He said, “Fu*k him, give him a dollar.”The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
tenderralph: Mowing and raking finally done. Exhausted and hot but still need to dispose of two trash containers full of grass clippings but no hurry for that. Time for the next project but it is inside not in the sun.
tenderralph: A married woman of 10 years goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she’s back at the doctor’s. She says, ‘Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn’t five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right there on the table.’ The doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.’ ‘Naah…’ she says, ‘that’s okay. We wouldn?t go back to that restaurant anyway.’
smelly 500: not unusual....but when happened to me, no pill involved...in on call room at hospital the day I was oncall and gf visiting me....only problem, chief resident tried to open door and get his white jacket right at onset og the magic moment....as far as we were concerned...so turned on the world could watch and we wouldn't even know....lol....passion is great, and without any pills ever to this very day
tenderralph: Re-post from Pain Elemental..
For all my friends, whether close or casual, Or just because. One of the longest posts I will ever do, and the most real too. Everyone will go through some hard times at some point. Life isn't easy. Just something to think about. Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? Did you know the three hardest things to say are I love you, I'm sorry, and help me? Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile to see how much pain they may be in. To all my friends who are going through some issues right now--let's start an intention avalanche. We all need positive intentions right now. If I don't see your name, I'll understand. May I ask my friends wherever you might be, to kindly copy and paste this status for one hour to give a moment of support to all of those who have family problems, health struggles, job issues, worries of any kind and just needs to know that someone cares. Do it for all of us, for nobody is immune. I hope to see this on the walls of all my friends just for moral support. I know some will!!! I did it for a friend and you can too. You have to copy and paste this one!..
tenderralph: Some times life just keeps piling shit on your door step until it gets to deep to wade through.
tenderralph: The President was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead and a brunette. To the blonde, he said, “I am the President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?” The blonde replied, “For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500.00.” To the redhead he asked the same question. She replied, “I will spend all the time you want for $1,000.00.” When he approached the brunette he asked the same question. She said, “If you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get your pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as times are now and screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won’t cost you a damn thing!”
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smelly 500: Ralph...the President is stupid...he should use my method...after already naked and turned on, just tell the girl u ar insolvent...one nice time she told me....hmmm, no money at all?...none i replied....then she started taking her clothes off and asked me, aren't u gonna fuck me?....I ansered sure, I want to....but remeber I am insolvent....she answered forget it, the money right now is not important, just forget it and get on top.....lol
tenderralph: Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
“Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.”
Six months pass and Peter returns. “Yes, we can do this for you.”
The couple asks, “Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don’t work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?”
To which St. Peter answers, “It took me six months to find a priest up here — how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?”
tenderralph: One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.
“Oh please excuse me,” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”
“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”
“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.” So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!
The bunny said, “I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?”
The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t got any balls…. You must be a politician.”
tenderralph: A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s, one of the
largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman
behind the counter and said. ‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife’
‘What type of bra?’ asked the clerk.
‘Type?’ inquires the man ‘There is more than one type?’
‘Look Around,’ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in
every shape, size color and material.
‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three
types of bras,’ replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied ‘The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type,
and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?’
Still confused the man asked ‘What is the difference between them?’
The lady responded ‘It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type
supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and
the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
tenderralph: In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking. One was
Irish, another English, and the last American. Soon, they came across
a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to
pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test.
The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was.
The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said, “Inside
the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said
to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with
a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a
woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied.”
The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American
went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward.
The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the
bottle, then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion
and roaring. No one emerged from the cave.
Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle.
He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion,
and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last
cave. Two minutes later, he came out puzzled and asked, “Where’s the
thorn in the woman’s foot?”
tenderralph: A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I’ll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later…
Nun: Father, I’m terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I’ll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later…
Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I’ll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later…
Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You’re probably right…get up and get your own damn blanket.
tenderralph: The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate…
The grandmother says, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”
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smelly 500: Ralph, I have a bevy of grandma aged gals whose rosebuds are better than that of any teen, and I have many pics of teen rosebuds from this site alone....and these "grandmas" have no hanging baskets at all....all perky like a teens, and I won't get into what's happening below the belly button, but Ralph....its wild and wonderful goodies....lol don't judge a book by its cover
tenderralph: Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Tony just said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you right now.”