I have a below the knee amputation with major surgery to my other foot caused by diabetic complications. So I would like to find someone to chat with.
tenderralph: Getting a little rain tonight with plenty of lighting and thunder. Unfortunately there are some white rocks coming down also. Power keeps blinking so I may as well check out for the night. Have fun people but don't be mean life is to short to waste it on stupidity.
tenderralph: Going to see my niece for the last time until we meet in HEAVEN. Will be a long drive today for one that I usually enjoy. But we will be together again someday. Thanks to him.
tenderralph: Took my daughter shopping with me today. Was having a good time and spending way to much money. Then at lunch time discovered she had lost her wallet with 3 credit cards , drivers license, and other cards. Ruined a good day.
tenderralph: HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his movements
So what's so hard about that?
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY:
It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. never forget
*arrangements she makes
tenderralph: Bought a new BBQ grill today 5 burner with a pot burner on the side. Now to put it together tomorrow. Who wants to watch and tell me how.
tenderralph: Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,” Dave,that’s one of the nicest most respectful things I’ve ever seen”
Dave replies, “Well we were married for 20 years”
tenderralph: A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?" ...
tenderralph: Going to the horse races in a little while haven't been there for years. I have learned to only take what I can afford to lose and no more. I am sure I will feed them as long as it has been
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tenderralph: A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, what's wrong? I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.
tenderralph: A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly …
She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . …
So I just switched the heads.’
(Bet you didn’t see that coming lol)
tenderralph: An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
For heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
tenderralph: Had a young lady ask what I was looking for in here. O told her a hot horny woman. She said do you have yahoo.
tenderralph: I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and looks like something out of Spy Kids the movie, and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons, scrolled here and there, and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong? He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but none the less inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Eric grinned….. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
‘No,’ I replied. ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric, the little shit!…..
tenderralph: A 6 year old boy went to his father and asked, “Dad, what’s sex?” The father was so proud his son was becoming a man, he explained it to him in full detail with photos and videos. Out of curiosity the father asked, “Son, why did u ask me this?”
His son replied, “Mum told me dinner will be ready in a couple of secs…”
tenderralph: Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other is four.
The nine year old grabs a box of Tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks, "Oh these must be for your Mom, huh?"
The nine year old shakes his head and replies,"Nope, not for my Mom."
"Oh, they're for your sister," replied the cashier.
Nine year old: "Nope not for my sister either."
Cashier, curious now; "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says. "They're for my four year old brother."
Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"
The nine year old explains; "Well, yeah! They say on TV that if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike. And my little brother can't do either.". **Erin**