tenderralph Offline

60 Divorced Male from Juniata       169
         
I have a below the knee amputation with major surgery to my other foot caused by diabetic complications. So I would like to find someone to chat with.
tenderralph
tenderralph: A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,…. “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,… ‘Congratulations on your new location!'”
9 days ago Report Link
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Nicorrette
Nicorrette: oh God,its too complicated this!
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SoCal Ja NUT 1 day ago Report
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smelly 500
smelly 500: everything goes full circle in life....so have fun at every opportunity and dump ur ego...full circle comes to all...with or without fun along the way, and with or without inflated ego.....lol
1 day ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.
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walking bear
walking bear: yeeeeee harrrrrrr!!!!
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SoCal Ja NUT
SoCal Ja NUT: Lol good one!
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smelly 500
smelly 500: hmmm....Raslph...real eroticism, of which i am a great fan of needs alot more than what u described....if that was all i could offer my gfs, they would all be gone today...but they come back and ask for more...because real eroticism creates real sexual desire and satisfaction for both....that is all i can offer on site....and same girls i start 2 yrs ago....are same ones i online make love with today....remeber Mick Jagger great song....SATISFACTION....yeah, thats what it's all about
1 day ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Four married guys went fishing.

After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:

First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second guy: “That’s nothing! I had to promise my wife I’d build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.

So they asked him.

“You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave my wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” and she said, “Wear a sweater.”
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LotusBlossomxx
LotusBlossomxx: LOL, that is thee question; he actually probably caught the most…lol.
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sky_deep 3 days ago Report
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Danger_Princess 2 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Have you listened to the Glen Campbell song "I'm Not Going To Miss You". Every sad Better have tissue ready. It is about his Alzheimer"s.
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YENNA_ 3 days ago Report
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sky_deep
sky_deep: Yes I heard it it..made me sad..my dad died of Alzheimer's...
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Well break over time to finish changing worm bedding.
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LotusBlossomxx
LotusBlossomxx: I'm squeamish just reading that!
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Nephew of Sam
Nephew of Sam: Ralph!!
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Glad to meet you.
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Nephew of Sam
Nephew of Sam: glad to see you again..
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tenderralph
tenderralph: We served 420 + not sure of final count in the Church's Beef & Noodle Supper.
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Tears from Heaven
Tears from Heaven: good job
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YENNA_ 5 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Thank you all it really was a big deal to us since there was only 700 people in our town and it is all done on free will donation.
4 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

"Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.

Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
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KERBEROS2
KERBEROS2: 😊
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Tears from Heaven 9 days ago Report
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sky_deep 8 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?”
9 days ago Report Link
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Henry Walsh 9 days ago Report
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Tears from Heaven 9 days ago Report
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sky_deep 8 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…

“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?” She said, “No?”

“Well”, he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.” And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms
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tenderralph
tenderralph: O am peeling and coring apples. Can I put them in water tonight to keep them from turning brown to use tomorrow and is there something I can make with the peels?
14 days ago Report Link
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ostic1212avalon
ostic1212avalon: Jetty out of peals
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ostic1212avalon
ostic1212avalon: Should of read jelly out of peels........spell check. Goes wild at times
12 days ago Report
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dianne61
dianne61: all the nutrients and fiber are in the peel. Yummy...apple pie.. can't wait !
11 days ago Report
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Danger_Princess
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tenderralph 12 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Go Ole Miss
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hermenia zipzip 16 days ago Report
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Tears from Heaven 16 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, “Where did you get that car???!!!” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy.” I don’t know her name–they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh No,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
17 days ago Report Link
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Henry Walsh 17 days ago Report
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Thumbilina
Thumbilina: lol
16 days ago Report
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Tears from Heaven 16 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”
17 days ago Report Link
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tenderralph
tenderralph: For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma comes first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time.”
“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly.
“In this country … we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives …
“Hey, cool down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a just tellin’ my friends how to spell ‘Mississippi’.”
19 days ago Report Link
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sky_deep 19 days ago Report
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Sharij
Sharij: lmao .. good one tender
18 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.
The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.
The lawyer fires his first question “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer’s face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.
The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, “Well, what is answer?”
The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
19 days ago Report Link
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sky_deep 19 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.”The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.”
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy… activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike.”
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, “My bike.”
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Thumbilina
Thumbilina: lol...funny one!
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Henry Walsh 19 days ago Report
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sky_deep 19 days ago Report
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walking bear
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Pretty scrambled actually.
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walking bear
walking bear in reply to tenderralph: You're sunny side up to me)) a very kind and goodhearted man happy to have your friendship
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tenderralph
tenderralph: Church was good today and asked God to help those that are having troubles in their lives to find peace in their hearts.
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Thumbilina
Thumbilina: Thanks Ralph!
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Tears from Heaven
Tears from Heaven: Thanks Ralph
22 days ago Report
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mj8248
mj8248: thanks ralph
22 days ago Report
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sky_deep
sky_deep: ....Autumn is like a second Spring when all the leaves become flowers.......
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tenderralph 22 days ago Report
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sky_deep
sky_deep in reply to tenderralph:
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walking bear
walking bear: Ralphhhhhhh I've missed you thank you you kind sweet man you come ere
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tenderralph 22 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare
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Henry Walsh 25 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph in reply to YENNA_: Any time you like some thing of mine you may use it I enjoy making you happy. Chat some time if you like.
25 days ago Report
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dizzyb4u 25 days ago Report
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tenderralph
tenderralph: A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
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Henry Walsh 26 days ago Report
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hermenia zipzip 25 days ago Report
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