I have a below the knee amputation with major surgery to my other foot caused by diabetic complications. So I would like to find someone to chat with.
tenderralph: Extreme heat index again today but just a couple hours left of mowing. But it is all with the push mower now.
tenderralph: While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. “Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side.”
The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face.
“Wow,” exclaims the man, “that is great!” He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks, “Wht happons if I akkidentally swawo du bawll?”
The barber says, “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.
tenderralph: Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith.
“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”
tenderralph: Thomas Rhett had the fair buzzing tonight. The last concert for this year at the Adams County Fair this year.
tenderralph: A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: “He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.” Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, “Nope, that ain’t George.”
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: “Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.” Again, “Nope, that ain’t George.”
Mortician: “How can you tell?”
Al: “George had two assholes.”
Mortician: “What? How could he have two assholes?”
Al: “Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, “Here comes George with those two assholes!”
tenderralph: An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew. After some time, one said to the other , “If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck”. “Yes,” the other one said, “I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee.” His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued.
“You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off.”
“My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?”
“Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye.”
“My, My, did that take your eye out? No, that was the first day I had my hook.”
tenderralph: A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
The boy admitted that this was the case.
“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you.”
tenderralph: The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation,
she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh sir, did you know that
your barracks door was open.” He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and
saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked,
“By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier
standing at attention.” The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir, all I saw was
a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!
tenderralph: Going to see Grand Funk Railroad and the Temptations tonight at the fair. I wonder if they can walk in or need scooters also.
tenderralph: A young wanna-be stud is vacationing alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club.
So he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, ” man, what’s your secret?” The old man replies, ” I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I’ll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks.”
The young man is thankful for the advice, and can’t wait for the next day to try his luck again. So, the next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, of course by beautiful women.
That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip. ” Next time son, put the socks in the FRONT! of your trunks.
tenderralph: A lawyer boarded an air plane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Not all blondes are as dumb as folks think.
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smelly 500: nice Ralph....I am a lawyer...licensed in 4 states....but before law....right out of college I went to medical school and am a licensed physician in 4 states....why doctor and lawyer in all 4....because as lawyer can defend against malpractice from other lawyers and do my physician work unmolested....so: those lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are and all physicians aren't the meek wimpps evryone thinks they are....lol
tenderralph: A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?”
Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old… how do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry!”
tenderralph: Maury went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, he said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
Maury said, “Last night my neighbor, who just loves my accent, came over while my wife was at the movies and made me make mad, passionate love to her seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
Maury asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
tenderralph: A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye….It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought…
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks , ‘What may we do for you my son?’
He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business…’
‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
tenderralph: I got almost all flower beds weeded but after weeding the garden yesterday will pay the price tonight.
tenderralph: An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband’s sex drive.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asks the doctor.
Not a chance’ says Mrs. Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.”
‘No problem,’ replies the doctor. ‘Drop it into his coffee,he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.’
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.
‘Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.’
What happened?’ asks the doctor.
‘Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to
make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!
‘What was terrible?’ said the doctor, ‘Was the sex not good?’
‘Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years…
but I’ll never be able to show my face in McDonald’s again!’
tenderralph: A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
tenderralph: While walking home from school one day, little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to see what was happening and I saw and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”
At this point, his mother had an idea and cut him off, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story. I think you should save the rest of it for supper time because I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
Later that night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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smelly 500: Yes Ralph, someone always watching for sure...here on Long Island my neighbor super-model Christie Brinkly's small son, Billy Joel's ex, was told by the son that daddy, her husband, Peter Cook has a girl whom daddy likes very much. He then showed Christie on daddy's laptop what he meant....pics and videos of daddy masturbating online to many social female "friends"....was great evidence in divorce that followed...even though daddy in court stated...."I hardly knew these girls, just masturbated in front of them....Hall and ZOates....."prying eyes are watching u, watching u, watching u.....LOL