I have a below the knee amputation with major surgery to my other foot caused by diabetic complications. So I would like to find someone to chat with.
tenderralph: A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s, one of the
largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman
behind the counter and said. ‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife’
‘What type of bra?’ asked the clerk.
‘Type?’ inquires the man ‘There is more than one type?’
‘Look Around,’ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in
every shape, size color and material.
‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three
types of bras,’ replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied ‘The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type,
and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?’
Still confused the man asked ‘What is the difference between them?’
The lady responded ‘It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type
supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and
the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
tenderralph: In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking. One was
Irish, another English, and the last American. Soon, they came across
a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to
pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test.
The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was.
The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said, “Inside
the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said
to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with
a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a
woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied.”
The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American
went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward.
The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the
bottle, then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion
and roaring. No one emerged from the cave.
Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the bottle.
He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion,
and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last
cave. Two minutes later, he came out puzzled and asked, “Where’s the
thorn in the woman’s foot?”
tenderralph: A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I’ll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later…
Nun: Father, I’m terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I’ll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later…
Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I’ll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later…
Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You’re probably right…get up and get your own damn blanket.
tenderralph: The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate…
The grandmother says, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”
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smelly 500: Ralph, I have a bevy of grandma aged gals whose rosebuds are better than that of any teen, and I have many pics of teen rosebuds from this site alone....and these "grandmas" have no hanging baskets at all....all perky like a teens, and I won't get into what's happening below the belly button, but Ralph....its wild and wonderful goodies....lol don't judge a book by its cover
tenderralph: Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Tony just said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you right now.”
tenderralph: Extreme heat index again today but just a couple hours left of mowing. But it is all with the push mower now.
tenderralph: While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. “Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side.”
The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face.
“Wow,” exclaims the man, “that is great!” He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks, “Wht happons if I akkidentally swawo du bawll?”
The barber says, “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.
tenderralph: Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith.
“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”
tenderralph: Thomas Rhett had the fair buzzing tonight. The last concert for this year at the Adams County Fair this year.
tenderralph: A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: “He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.” Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, “Nope, that ain’t George.”
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: “Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.” Again, “Nope, that ain’t George.”
Mortician: “How can you tell?”
Al: “George had two assholes.”
Mortician: “What? How could he have two assholes?”
Al: “Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, “Here comes George with those two assholes!”
tenderralph: An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew. After some time, one said to the other , “If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck”. “Yes,” the other one said, “I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee.” His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued.
“You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off.”
“My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?”
“Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye.”
“My, My, did that take your eye out? No, that was the first day I had my hook.”
tenderralph: A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
The boy admitted that this was the case.
“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you.”
tenderralph: The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation,
she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh sir, did you know that
your barracks door was open.” He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and
saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked,
“By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier
standing at attention.” The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir, all I saw was
a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!
tenderralph: Going to see Grand Funk Railroad and the Temptations tonight at the fair. I wonder if they can walk in or need scooters also.
tenderralph: A young wanna-be stud is vacationing alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club.
So he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, ” man, what’s your secret?” The old man replies, ” I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I’ll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks.”
The young man is thankful for the advice, and can’t wait for the next day to try his luck again. So, the next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, of course by beautiful women.
That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip. ” Next time son, put the socks in the FRONT! of your trunks.
tenderralph: A lawyer boarded an air plane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Not all blondes are as dumb as folks think.
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smelly 500: nice Ralph....I am a lawyer...licensed in 4 states....but before law....right out of college I went to medical school and am a licensed physician in 4 states....why doctor and lawyer in all 4....because as lawyer can defend against malpractice from other lawyers and do my physician work unmolested....so: those lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are and all physicians aren't the meek wimpps evryone thinks they are....lol
tenderralph: A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?”
Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma. “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old… how do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry!”
tenderralph: Maury went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, he said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
Maury said, “Last night my neighbor, who just loves my accent, came over while my wife was at the movies and made me make mad, passionate love to her seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
Maury asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
tenderralph: A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye….It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought…
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks , ‘What may we do for you my son?’
He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business…’
‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!