i made this so i could talk too my older frinds

its_me_braddardz99
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99 changed his profile picture: 10 years ago Report
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ryan58581
ryan58581: were ya been man
10 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: lots of places ahahaha
10 years ago Report
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: hu wanna date me?????
11 years ago Report Link
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ryan58581
ryan58581: you go shelby
11 years ago Report
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(Post deleted by staff 9 years ago)
its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: I’m about three years into my relationship now and I’ve started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is. She bought me some Viagra, and I’ve bought her a treadmill.
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: Little Bobby was sitting in class when the teacher asked him “Can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and joy into people’s lives?” To which little Bobby replied “Smo-king, Drin-king and Fuc-king”.
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: At Church

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a *****."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a *****?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (As he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call a man a son of a *****."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: : "Yes father."
Priest:: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a *****."

Girl: : "Then he took off my clothes,
father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: : "Yes father."
Priest:"Thats no reason to call him a son of a *****."

Girl: : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: : "Yes father."
Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a *****."

Girl: : "Then he pumped me fast and furious..."
Priest: The priest pumps her fast and says "Thats no reason to call him a son of a *****."

Girl: : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "Ahh... Thats no reason to call him a son of a *****."

Girl: : "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A *****!!!"
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: One day little Johnny's neighbor was washing dishes and saw little Johnny out the window sitting on the steps.

She saw him eat a jelly bean, bite the cats tail and move down a step.

She continued to watch him and he did it again (eat a jelly bean, bite the cat's tail and move down a step).

When curiosity got the best of her, she went across the street and asked little Johnny what he was doing.

He said "I'm playing truck driver".

She asked him "Well Johnny what does that mean?"

He said "I'm popping pills, eating pussy and moving on!"
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.

He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.

After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.

After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99 11 years ago Report
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.

The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."

The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."

The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed.

5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets.

So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex.

So the two blonde's decide to go.

In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard"

So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long.

So the next day after the blonde's leave the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went.

The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard."

The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that"

"What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long".

To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
11 years ago Report Link
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Bittersweet_xo
Bittersweet_xo: LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO thats lololol
11 years ago Report
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its_me_braddardz99 11 years ago Report
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: Kissing's a pleasure

Fucking's a game
Guys get all the pleasure

Girls get all the pain

He says he loves you, and you believe it's true

Until your belly starts to swell and he says hell with you.

10 minutes of pleasure, 9 months and pain

3 days in hospital, a child without a name

The baby's a bastard

The mother's a whore

This never would have happened if the rubber hadn't tore
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: In school Mrs. Rogers was playing a word game with the kids.

She would shout out a letter and then pick on a student, and the student would pick a word that starts with the letter.

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "B" and Johnny raised his hand.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say bitch She called on Sally instead. Sally said Ball

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "P", and Johnny raised his hand again.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say Pussy, she called on Frank, who said paper.

Finally, Mrs. Rogers said the letter "R", and again Johnny raised his hand.

Mrs. Rogers couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R" so she picked Johnny.

Johnny hesitated and said "Rat" .... "A Big Mother Fucking Rat"
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: A guy, short of money asked a man what he could do to earn some.

The man replied "I'll give you $1000 if you do three tasks."

You need to knock out a wrestler, pull a loose tooth out of a dingo's mouth and screw an old lady.

So the guy quickly runs up to the wrestler and punches him out.

He then leaps into the bushes after the dingo. Several minutes go buy and he is heard rolling around and moaning before finally emerging triumphant.

He then turns to the man and says "Where's this old lady so I can pull her tooth out and get paid"
11 years ago Report Link
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Bittersweet_xo
Bittersweet_xo: lol grossss
11 years ago Report
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they’re father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes
11 years ago Report Link
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IMeRAD124
IMeRAD124: lol hey now this might turn into war!!
11 years ago Report
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its_me_braddardz99 11 years ago Report
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: What is the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job still sucks.
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99 to Aimee_Gleek96: get online b4 i start humping you
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: These rules are so true.

F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

F***ing refreshes you.

After F***ing dont eat too much; go for more liquids.

Try to do f***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy.

F***ing can even reduce your cholestrol level.

So remember:

FASTING is good for your health, and may God cleanse your Dirty Mind.
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: Ducking stupid piece of shit phone doesn't do links :headbang:
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: So much meaning
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?feature=related&v=mk48xRzuNvA
11 years ago Report Link
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its_me_braddardz99
its_me_braddardz99: Post this as your status and see what everyone likes
Check off where you like it;

[1] In bed
[2] On the floor
[3] Kitchen counter
[4] Dinner table
[5] By the fireplace
[6] Shower
[7] Park
[8] Theater
[9] Restaurant
[10] Club
[11] Back seat of a car
[12] While driving
[13] On the hood of a car
[14] Camping
[15] Skinny Dipping
[16] Jacuzzi
[17] During a family/friend gathering
[18] On a plane
[19] On a pool table
[20] During a storm
[21] Somewhere in the rain

Stolen!!
11 years ago Report Link
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