Limbo...

okay, I went to Saskatoon - the trip there was okay, the bus not too full so I was able to semi-sleep most of the way. When I got there I put my stuff in a locker and headed out to find transit, and took a tour through the industrial section.

Saskatoon is a lot smaller than I pictured... many recognizable companies, but smaller yards & plants/warehouses.

At any rate, I checked out accommodations, and all were full - the shelters were a first-come-first-served basis, mostly through phoning them. Somebody here on Wire mentioned a fair bit of support for men, and that's what I found in Saskatoon, Salvation Army, etc, are strictly for men. The womens' centers I found were mostly for family - women with kids, or for addictions. I found only the one that I qualified for, the one that one needed to phone several times a day to see if there were any openings.

I applied for a whack of jobs online, and then went and pounded the pavement. More difficult than I thought, no sidewalks, etc, and certainly no payphones readily available in the indsutrial area. When I went in person, most businesses were SO NOT hiring that they wouldn't even accept my resume...

As I walked around I saw tons of empty businesses & For Lease signs - that's not a good indication that there is any kind of "boom" going on, and most laughed at me when I mentioned it, saying their "boom" ended quite a while back...

So, after business hours I went into a couple of restaurant/bar places that were supposedly hiring, and man! they were quite unpleasant. Not one of them was bug-free - middle of winter and ya gotta shoo the flies away! Gross!

All told, I applied to about 25 jobs, online/fax/in person. Found only one cyber cafe that was only open until 6... and perused the newspapers for accommodations - a room there, like, room & board, was running about the same as a one bedroom place in Calgary... and there didn't seem to be very many available.

So, I headed back to the bus station, and played with the numbers. The cheapest accommodations I found were about $40/night. Truly not a bad price for a hotel/hostel-type set up, but still, would eat thru my limited budget very quickly. That compared to a bus ticket back to Calgary... The bus ticket would cost less than it would to stay until Monday morning.... and what if I got no bites on my resume?? I mean, as I went around and talked to people, I heard nothing positive, just "no" "no" "no"...

argh!

So, I chickened out... I spent the money on the ticket and came back to Calgary. I hung out at the bus station, took most of the day to get the courage to phone that lady that offered me to stay at her place. Well, took most of the day to get the courage to phone Mary, who pushed me into phoning that lady - that's the lawyer I mentioned, Shirley. LOL. Mary was prompting me, and it must have been the worst message cuz I was crying all the way through it.

But I made the call, Mary got me to Shirley's, and Shirley and her family have been incredibly wonderful to me. Her house is as lavish as I described, quite intimidating, even now when I've been there about a week...

They don't really want me to use their phone, and I cannot get at my h****** account from their computer - dunno if it's filtered or just such an old computer. It's pretty cool to see their kid, so clever, and not hanging for hours on end on the computer, but it means I have no access in the immediate vicinity, tho I can phone out, and that has generated some invitations to submit my resume, and there is a place close by with nice inexpensive fax services.

So, I have included their phone number in the few applications I've made - when I search by phoning companies in the phone book, I get about 1 in 10 that are interested. When I apply online, it takes about 1 in 80 to generate a conversation... So, cool, I can call out, and have used their number on the few I've found so far, but it's gonna be imperative to find one of those pay-as-you-go cell phones, I guess...

And this cyber cafe I'm using is not an awful walk if the weather is not also awful, and it's got uber-inexpensive rates - I've used this place since I got to Calgary and feel really fortunate to have found it. As I was walking here I started to worry that maybe it wasn't here anymore, but it is

Further, it's quite a walk, but will save me nearly $5 in bus fare both ways if I can just walk it, so, cool, it gives me a resource...

Next week I will get back on the phone again to look for work, and begin trying to develop a routine of coming here to check the posting sites...

I called the temp agency and said I want back on the forklift, and I'll go see them next week too, and start pestering them about it...

I've also thought of a way to shut up that one old job that is giving me a bad reference.
I will write them, cc'ing the regional and head offices, letting them know that if they continue to bad-mouth me, I will begin to be much more open about bad-mouthing them, to my prospective employers, and perhaps to a few media outlets as well. AND I will let them know that I have the paperwork to back up my stories, too. HA!! AND, when I was investigating my rights, I learned that I have the right to see all written documents pertaining to me, there is an online form I can fill out to file a formal complaint if they don't let me see it, and that it is my "right" to see it, as legislated by FOIPP - freedom of information and personal privacy/protection of privacy.

Psychologically, I am holding up okay, only one day of awful bawling, the rest I seem to be able to keep myself composed and forward-ish thinking... tho I am pretty numb and all my focus is on getting employment, again. And to figure out how to get back into my own place again.

Not quite sure how I'm gonna handle Christmas, but I'll wing it and hold up as best I can...

meantime, grateful to have Wire - kinda cool to come back & read my blogs of before I left & came back. It's a bit uplifting and I am uber-glad I took the time to write it out... I will continue to do so as much as budget and opportunity allows.

one...

okay, nothing to do now but

pack up the computer desk
take the components down to the neighbour
vacuum the rug
phone the power & phone/internet company

kk, it's 3:30, and I have to be ready, like, best to be outside with the stuff, at 5:00

this is the most wonderful thing I am embarking on, it's got to be true



peace!

2, 1 1/2...

alright, I am very nearly ready, a few snags

for one, I am rather peeved at the girl who said she'd take ALL my stuff, I was worried that if something went wrong - "oh, don't worry"...

now, looks like I'll be using some of my precious $266 that I am leaving on, to hire the guy to take whatever doesn't fit in one trip on to a thrift store because I REFUSE to take whatever doesn't fit in his truck out to my apartment dumpster.

of course, this is totally mine - I should not have been so trusting that she would be able to keep her word.

otherwise, so far, so good, I repacked my backpack and have room to spare. I bought a couple dozen eggs & hard boiled them, plus a small jar of peanut butter, so I have food for a few days...

kk, one more blog when everything is gone...

5, 4, 3...

kk, tons done

to do:
bathroom
2 cupboards, box the contents
repack my backpack to make room for shampoo/conditioner & ipod power thingy
dis-assemble and pack my desk - take apart my computer, plan this for a.m.

done:
~ got my heating pad sewed into my vest - the 5th of 7 layers, 3rd under my heavy winter coat
~ wall with lights

loose plans
the bus leaves in the evening to get there in the morning,
so tomorrow night =

that'll give me Thursday & Friday to hit the industrial section and pound the pavement with my resume - I'll make copies there. Use the storage lockers at the bus station until I figure something out...

that also gives me 2 business days to figure out a place to stay by/for the weekend. As soon as I get work I have something to negotiate - best case scenario, I get a job on Thursday/Friday and find a landlord that'll take, say, $150 to get in, then let me work my paydays to get on top of the rent schedule... hey! if I were to look at private residences, like rooms or bsmt suites, I could also negotiate the sidewalk/snow maintenance. See? It's a blessing that I'm so healthy & energetic

so, I gotta
~ call the girl that's taking my stuff, = done, her driver will be here 9 am
~ call the couple that's taking my tv = done, she'll get back to me for tonight/tomoro am
~ and the lady taking my computer stuff = done, sent e-mail @ 2:20
~ call the phone/internet company and the power company...
~ send an e-mail to the lady with the bus ticket = done, will talk on phone tonight

some people have not returned my call and therefore do not know that I'm heading out, but I brought my writing paper and will snail-mail them

Calgary is pretty cool, and I would not be leaving if it were not for my inability to find half-decent employment. I just talked to my friend Mary, and she says I am difficult to talk to because I am "over the top" and some people will react to me & my questions as "digging", that I should pay attention to that, and that I am going to take this same problem to the next city with me.

She's right, but I cannot seem to be a "not-over-the-top" type of person. I've tried - at the coffee company I cried for about three weeks trying to adapt to the tempers and the negative responses, that's the one where I was 'so weird' for dancing when I thought nobody was watching

I can't seem to not be that person, I can be varying levels of that person, which seems to me to be the perfect happy medium, and I have to take faith that I simply haven't met the matching community for me... I have explored many many communities in Calgary and the only thing I can think of is perhaps it's the culture? That's why I was thinking BC, cuz it seems to have a higher bohemian population, more artsy-fartsy, kinda.

I am sorry to Mary - she has rescued me more than once and if there is anybody I want to show that I can live up to those rescues, it's her. She has been kinder to me than perhaps any other person I have known, she is as non-judgemental as she is brutally real, and I love her.

But, if God truly is in charge of this, and I'm taking a pretty big leap that He is , then one day you guys, one day I will take YOU to Banff Mary, and one day I will go to the ballet with the lady with the bus ticket

success means standing up one more time than you fall down

countdown...

I went for supper last night - the lady that's buying my greyhound ticket. To say they live in opulence is like to say an atom is small. The woman is so wonderful, I am absolutely in awe. her house is on the side of a hill, has one of those vaulted ceilings, and 90 windows!

right out of a magazine, and absolutely... awe-inspiring.

so, I wake up again a bit freaked out, I check the weather in Saskatoon, it's, like, ten to twenty degrees colder there... and I have more stuff than I can carry, kinda...

so, the point of this blog, well there are two I guess, one is to keep the record, the other is to help me stay and/or get focussed, organized, and positive.

so, this is where I count my blessings:

~ of course my health and mobility
~ being winter, I have tons of pockets to help me carry all the shit I want
... I *need* this winter coat and the easiest way to carry it is on my shoulders, eh
~ my winter coat is bulky enough, that I can sew my heating pad into the back
~ of course, the backpack and sleeping bag - what an awesome gift
~ everything that really matters fits well in the backpack and duffel bag
~ I have figured a way to carry my steel-toes and my air mattress
~ all of my stuff will be honorably kept in circulation
~ that I even have a heating pad to bring - I had to wait & $ave for it
~ that I have standards and inspiration like those I saw when I went over there for supper


kk, more later...

you don't even know my name...

today, I am feeling a little bit freaked out. a bit yesterday too - enough to take my vitamin B... I learned that there is pretty much no way to avoid the eviction notice - when I moved in I got the last girl's damage deposit via taking over her lease, which was what I had hoped would happen with me. But it turns out the late fees I accrued last spring are attached to the apartment - about $250 from April until October. If I hadn't lost the job, the late fees were in my budget for November, they'd be paid now... but, in terms of somebody taking over my lease, they would have to include those late fees. Which lies in the face of what we discussed on Nov 30 - but hey, I guess compared to non-payment of rent, lying is the least of it, eh?

So, there is no way around making it easier for myself to rent/apply for a place in my next city. Supposedly if they do not rent this place, they will sue me for rent all the way up to April, when my lease runs out - my lease would have run out in November, but she lost that paperwork and I was too stupid to insist on getting copies before I left her office.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Interjected later - and it still doesn't make sense:

from last spring, I owe a little under $250
$5/day in Dec is $60 or $70 to total roughly $325
the damage deposit that I 'inherited' is $825
and rent is $700/mo

so the next person, whatever they agree for rent, round it out to the same $700, normally one pays a damage deposit of the same amount, or there is an incentive to pay half of the rent as damage deposit.

to move in from scratch, a person will need either $700+700, or, $700+350
when they move out they get their $700 or $350 back, assuming no damage

to take over my lease = $700+325
when they move out they get the $825 damage deposit, assuming no damage

see, she's SO farting full of attitude! I am gonna go see her tomorrow morning and we'll write out these numbers, maybe, maybe I can save this stupid lease/eviction! Maybe!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Argh!

This morning, two things are getting me: for one, as I go thru the paperwork, there are people I am leaving behind and it's kinda . One is a man who is so painfully lonely that it's heartbreaking - okay two are like that, and their pain just makes me cry...

Part of the task of doing my paperwork is to purge out what is not utmost importance - and this bugs me too. two people offered to take me or take my stuff, and now both are giving me grief about not wanting to take too much... so all this stuff I have gathered in my new life - letters from people who appreciate a kindness I've done, from people who are offering support and kind words, christmas cards - all but the very very most important must be trashed. and it kinda sucks that I carried it and moved it and found space for it in my lil' bachelor pad, just so I can throw it in the garbage - lol, I don't even have the resources to put it in recycle cuz that would require a bus ticket...

Then, as I'm going thru them, I find/re-find a christmas card from my brother. That was back in Red Deer, when I was calling him to reach out, and that spring, to ask for his help. Remember the lecture about the "choices I was making"? Remember how he told me he'd just gotten a raise before Christmas that meant $400 extra a month... I called him for help in Feb, told him I was only making $7.50/hr and was $40 short on the rent. He did send it. exactly $40, nothing extra for silly things like food... that month I kept my phone by negotiating away the long distance priviledges, and the next month I was short $20 on rent. Since I now had no long distance I couldn't call him to ask for the help with the $20 on March's rent... and he never called me. Ever.

I left Red Deer in October of that year and he still hadn't called when I left.

Pretty cold, and pretty clear where I stand with "family". I've had legal guardianship of my brother since 14/15, I helped him with school, and then snuck him tons of money when he went to college. I love him so did not burden him with the trouble I got into with stupid the couple of times I got busted sending money to my brother. and my brother doesn't know that stupid told me he was kicked out of college and out of all the bars in the college-town for drinking too much - that's where the money I'd been sending was going, turns out. Even out on his own, to my knowledge, where he's living now, assuming he's behaving himself, this will be the first time he has not been behind or run out on his rent.

I might not be one to talk, but this is the first time I have not been able to pay my rent, and the one time before this, last spring when it was the first time I had ever been late, I never ever ever started a new month without the last month being paid. My bro's last place before I talked to him that Feb ('05), he walked out on over 5 month's rent... and right up until I left stupid I was fielding calls from collection agencies for my brother for debts and student loans...

the fact that he never called again to make sure I was okay let's me know loud and clear how much he cares whether I am okay.

Then, I come across the christmas card I got from him that year.

He spelled my name wrong.

there, better now. starting to write this I was crying. Now that I see it laid out here and all the other info I have in my head... I remind myself that this was a success - a measure of safety to now be away from those people.

and if I forget, all I need to do is look at that envelope. One, he should not have used my full name and/or my maiden name - I expressed my negative feelings on that. Two, he did anyways... and he spelled it wrong...

Okay, the next thing that's bugging me. I have 2 friends here, not close but ladies that like me and want to be nice. One is the lady from the firepit who is buying my greyhound ticket, and another who is 9 years older than me and in about the same condition I am, but with 4 old pets and no means to pay January's rent.

Both have offered me to stay at their place, both have expressed that being homeless and running off to an unknown city in the middle of winter are a bad idea. Both have expressed that I seem to be "bound and determined to go" even in the face of having an alternative cuz I could stay with them.

But, both are not hearing me - a place to stay is all nice & groovy. I feel the heart in their offer, but truly, a place to stay is or soon will be the least of my worries. I need a job and the income and benefits that come with it.

Soon enough I will need dental attention, and I would like to have one place in my adult life where I get to experience regular dental care.

If I listen to these women, I could stay warm for a few more days, a few more weeks, but if my teeth start aching before I get to my new job, are they going to step up? of course not. and they are not going to pitch in on cigarettes. So, my stress level is really high and cigs are a coping tool for me, so every day that I am smoking I am eating thru my limited funds, when I run out of cigs they will no more step up for me than they would for dental. Or winter clothing. Or food or toothpaste/shampoo....

I hear that they are really saying "I care" when they say "you can stay here". But I am struggling with their criticisms.

I wish they'd quit telling me that this is stupid. It's already pretty scary, and it's not that I am bound & determined to get out of Calgary, it's just that my hundreds of resumes are not producing jobs, and I don't know what else to do. I have re-done my resume over and over again. I have adapted my behaviour both successfully and unsuccessfully, and I have saved up and taken a fully accredited university course. I have taken (re-taken) the courses offered thru EI, and I have gone to all the orientations and application processes for the various job-finding organizations in the city - and will have some nasty letters to write after I leave about the awful experience at two of those gov't funded organizations.

So, I don't know what else to do. Trying another city is one thing I have not yet done. I mean, I came to Calgary and getting employment was part of that, but the real goals were (a) getting further away from stupid after he found me in Red Deer, and (b) the urban infrastructure resources that I need - like transit and wholesale food stores.

It does suck, from a certain perspective. I have gathered a lot of cool stuff, my chairs and tables and all the things that one has in their life, carrying shit home from garage sales and balancing shit on my bike to get it home, negotiating for better prices when I was broke, cleaning the shit out of it once I did get it home - all for naught, in the long run.

Yet again, imagining hope and having "stuff" and imagining that I will be free to love the "stuff". One more shot at it. If it doesn't work this time - if I keep having to take the awful shitty jobs that are getting me nowhere anyways, then I will just give in...

This time, I will adjust my attitude one more time, I will recognize that opportunity for more and better stuff is still possible, and to achieve it I will give away the "stuff" I have come to love. But, this is the last time.

and he spelled my f%*&%z% name wrong. That's how much it all really matters anyways, eh?

window is here...

well, today begins my "window" of leaving... if that person shows up today and does want to take my apartment, they could need it as early as tomorrow - best case scenario, they want it next wknd or mid-late next week.

today, there is a lady coming by 4 pm to pick up the vast majority of my stuff, then I'll be down to the couch & bed, coffee pot, my tv, and some wire hangers - oh! and a cooking pot

I have decided to give away my beautiful big picture - it's a lady lounging in reams & reams of white fabric. I just love her - it's clearly not a high-end picture, like, the frame is molded and chipped, cheap matting, etc. She's kinda like me - beautiful but flawed

well, this lady came by yesterday, new arrivals to Calgary - this is the lady with the beautiful french accent - she expressed the same kind of enthusiasm for my picture as I feel. I told her it's not available, and I have plans to shrink-wrap it to my desk-box.

but, upon thinking about it, she probably won't survive storage - like, her frame will get even more chipped, I must leave either the glass or the backing exposed and it's likely to sustain some kind of damage in being moved, especially in being moved by other people who are "putting up with" her, vs "storing" her - such is the nature of charity, eh?

so, I called the lady and offered her the picture, she's thrilled said she'd be here before noon to pick her up. I will miss her, but it warms my heart to know that she continues to be loved

okay, I got a LOT done yesterday, when all the boxes leave this afternoon, the walls will all be accessible - the vast majority are already clean. I'm kinda a freak that way and do the rounds on the walls about twice a year. I smoke, plus I always have fans going, so the ceiling needs to be vacuumed off at the same time... really all I have to do is wash the areas where the shelves were, and wipe out the cupboards, cuz they'll be dusty, but easy to do cuz it'll only be dust...

Oh! I need to clean up the microwave and add it to the stuff that's leaving today...

got a LOT of my paperwork sorted last night, will get that packed up today, and verify the box my vacuum is gonna go into - might get girl to let me keep the table too, so I can break down and pack up my desk...

then, everything will be ready for the second garage, a second trip to pick up the remaining comfort items has been arranged... the only thing left to do is figure out my own packing

I have a large space on the floor ready to lay everything out, both back-packs ready for testing plus the duffel bag and a shoulder bag...

I have one other fabric bag for books that I will register on Book Crossing and drop along the way, and I have in mind that I might be able to use it to bring my air mattress.

Gosh, I'm gonna be pretty heavy, but it sure will make a big difference on the other end - plus it'll open up opportunities about where I can stay. Gotta figure out a way to carry it, and will have it figured by the end of today...

THEN, supposing the person does not need in TODAY, I go online and apply to all the jobs I can find in Saskatoon, repeat, in all the time I have left in this apartment.

kk, not so bad

gettin' ready...

first, I received an e-mail that somebody else has accepted that position I interviewed for.

so, Saskatoon it is.

alright, in keeping with getting my shit together:

done:
shelves are all down & gone
~~ tv/vcr committed for when I leave, plus vcr tapes
denim = gone
kitchen packed up & ready for pickup
bunch of the paperwork is sorted
~ go see the landlady
~ call the rest of the people for the rest of my stuff
~ take down the last set of under-counter lights


do:
~ wash walls where the shelves were, plus closet & entryway
~ wipe down the cupboards, & pull out fridge/stove to dust under & behind
~ sort the sewing stuff
~ call to see if all those containers can be picked up today/tonight - left v/m @ 10:30
~ box up the vcr tapes, decorations & craft stuff
~ clean up & sort my desk area - 2 more items that can go with tapes & shelving stuff
~ figure out how I can bring/carry my air-mattress...

kk, I am on track. the only thing I do not yet have covered is the time/opportunity to send out resumes or do research on Saskatoon.

I will feel a little bit better when I get a chance to do that, but, on the other hand, I am saying He is driving right now, so I am not going to worry about it. Just be faithful, and go with the flow, right? Right!



4:30 pm

well, I had notice to show the apartment today, but nobody has come by = hmmmm... still supposed to be one tomorrow, tho

talked to a lady today who is moving into a place this wknd and has nothing - and man! talk about a perfect fit. She has a mattress, a double, but nothing else... I have everything but the mattress, in a double

so, I've packed it all up
pulled the 'fridge out & washed under & back when I
took the lights down
taped & labeled all the boxes = 15, plus 2 table thingys, coat rack & wire rack...

tonight
~ paperwork finished, for sure
~ sewing sorted, maybe/probably

cool...

limbo's progress...

~ cfm'd with the lady from the campfire that the bus ticket is still available, and about how much I hope to fit in her garage

~ sorted out the major clothing items - purging 4 jeans & keeping 3, 2 for work (one I'll wear) and one for 'good', plus one outfit for office/casual, sorted out my coats & scarves, so now I just gotta play with the back-packs, then wait for somebody from freecycle to come get them.

~ no word on that job yet, but I did speak to somebody who recommended Saskatoon vs Regina, so if I am successful getting myself ready to go by tomorrow afternoon and if the sub-lease does NOT need to move in immediately, then I will spend the next week applying to jobs in Sk,.

~ IF I hear from this job and do not get the second interview, then it will be fine if the sub-let needs in right away - I'll probably split on Sunday with slightly more cash cuz I won't have fed myself all week...

~ IF I hear from this job and I DO get the second interview, I will try to negotiate to stay perhaps 'til the following wknd to give this job a chance to come thru. IF I cannot negotiate that, then I will talk to the campfire lady about using the room she's offered.

~ I am encouraging as many of the freecycle replies to come see/pick up what they'd like... IF I DO get the job, I am not really out anything beyond what my heart values - it's ALL replace-able. IF I do NOT get the job, and my stuff is not gone, I will find a way to get it to charity/thrift stores.

So, right now:
take down the rest of the shelves
and the under-counter lights
sort stuff for scheduled pick ups
sort sewing stuff for give-away & pack
go to apt office to talk to landlady

pitter patter...

Limbo...

Mostly now I just have to sort myself out & organize myself, keeping a bit of a record for later...

~ a friend from the community campsite will buy me a bus ticket. I have in mind Saskatoon, but I still need to investigate Regina and Winnipeg. Thinking Saskatchewan because there is supposed to be a boom going on, saw yet another poster on transit yesterday "come to Regina!", and I'm thinking Winnipeg because I enjoyed it when I was there about 10-15 years ago...

~ I did an interview for a job yesterday - inside sales at a warehouse supply company. Learned that it might be more like an uber-receptionist, which is fine except for the potential low pay if that is true. The interview seemed to go well, lots of laughing & stuff. They said they will let me know by "Friday at the latest" if I move on to the second interview...

~ my landlord put a notice under my door to show the apartment on Saturday for a "sub-let". This is how I moved in, I took over somebody else's lease and their damage deposit. IF I were to stay until my lease runs out in April, I would get her $800+ deposit... BUT if I do not get this job, having somebody take over my lease will save my credit history from the eviction for non-payment of rent. Right now, my loose plan is to leave this place off next time I apply to rent a place, and explain it by saying I had a "boyfriend"... so, really the only issue is if I DO get this job cuz then I'd want to stay here for the remainder of my lease... and cuz I have no other place, except the generousity of friend's floors with my blow-up mattress. Mind you, if I DO get this job I'd have something to negotiate with to find another place...

~ I have all the responses from free-cycle... I sent everybody a message asking them to give me a couple days' patience. Today I will begin to work thru the list - starting with folks that want specific items. One wants the mirrors, one wants the computer stuff, and others seem to want everything... I can/will give away stuff like the mirrors, but I gotta try to keep my desk/computer, and my box spring/bedframe right up until the last minute... will begin that process today...

~ I want to get online and investigate/apply to the cities I am interested in to see what I can set up ahead of time. With any luck the responses will demonstrate a direction to follow...

Okay, so I am warm until at least this weekend, I have means to travel by way of the bus ticket, so me and my stuff will be mostly safe and I have some control on my arrival date if I am successful setting something up on the other end, and almost all my stuff will be safe in new homes.

Oh! I've gotta go thru my clothing stuff - keeping 2 or 3 of my 7 pairs of jeans, my workshirts, I have the undies & socks I'll be bringing - then I have to pack the backpacks and see, first which of the two available is the most suitable, and to see how much I can really bring with me - it'll be pretty heavy when I've been carrying it for a few hours... I guess I should target tomorrow at the latest to get this done

Plus, that lady with the bus ticket says I could put a few boxes in her garage, so I need to organize my paperwork - I have a box of files of things like past taxes that I must sort out, and I will probably pack that in the box for my desk - I should try to keep the desk, it's a nice neat box and will make an uber difference on the other end when I get myself set up...

So, I guess by this weekend I'll have a better idea of what's going on - if I have a second interview & potentially dependable employment, or it'll be that I did not get the job and will fulfill going to another city, so I'll tell them at the campfire this weekend. Not really looking forward to that, I haven't said anything to other than a very few, but their reactions will make me feel all warm & fuzzy-like

Either way, I am sick to death of being hungry, I am sick to death of not having so very very much, and I am sick to death of not being able to do so very very much, I am sick to death of waiting and grinding in hopes of being able to shop someplace other than the grocery store, I am sick to death of not having any fun cuz I can't afford it, and I am sick to death of not even being able to go out cuz I can't afford the bus ticket - I am down to one now.

So, either way, something is going to give - something is going to change. Rather significantly. If I end up in this situation in another city, then I will know it's me, that it's like stupid and the others said, and I will adapt accordingly. And then the worst of the "struggle" will be behind me, one way or the other. Otherwise, life will be over and I'll still be saying "one day, if I just try hard enough, if I just keep at it, if I just..."

and, ultimately, it really IS all good, cuz in my heart I am not all freaked out. In my heart I feel joy and faith, and the poets and self-help industry say that's the key, to be happy in one's heart regardless or despite what is going on around one. So, if all that stuff is true, then I have accomplished the right foundation for things to work out positively.