faith fullymarried but extremely lonely (Page 5)
apollonian: there is no age when a woman changes, but she constantly does. When a man is young, hormones are always racing and actions can be dictated by this, making lots of unwise decisions by thinking with the wrong head! Women tend to be more level headed at this age, but as time goes on, their hormones will start racing as the mans starts slowing down. They have evolved from what they once were into something else and they might not even know what it is,or where to go, they just know the clock is ticking. If there is a mid-life crisis, this could be the root of it. Its not only sexual, but emotional, physical and psyhcological as well.
ElVago100: Hi Nellie, thanks for response I wasn't sure this site actually was being monitored. I know she is not cheating...I can't explain it, but I just know! Full disclousure, she did cheat on me years ago, before we got married (and I don't even know what cheating means in that context)...when I found out I obviously left and months later she came back to me and we worked it out. The only similarities I see between then and now is the almost disregard she exudes for me and the relationship. It is a feeling!!!
I like your comment, a woman's mid-life crisis. That is what it honestly feels like. She never had her 20's to party and get "it" out of her system. She was 20 when we married and had 3 kids by the time she was 28. Is she looking to relive her youth? Am I wrong to demand that I not be hidden from her "friends"....
Also full discolsure, about 3 years ago we had major problems and she left and literally cut me out of her life for 4 or 5 months. It was much worse then than it is now, even thoguh I feel like it is over now. Anyway, she was just getting into her program and I know all her new friends learned of the situation. So, I believe that she never told them we were back together over the past year and half...Finally, I had been so depressed lately that I reneged on a commitment that we would both get in better shape. I ballooned up and now am working on losing the weight...I've lost 50+ lbs these past few months. Her response was why couldn't I have been committed all along....
ElVago100: I love women's perspective. You've given me things to think about instead of just wondering what it could be. Keep the advice coming
nellie77: El vago i give you credit for being so honest...
My advice to you is keep up the good work, lose the weight and concentrate on yourself and build your self esteem.
Your wife on the other hand has some issues which i'm not privy too, and maybe it would be wise to let her go and do what she needs to do..
You really have no choice, i'm not saying its easy, no hell its hard..
But sometimes you just have to let things be, go out, have some time to yourself and reflect, you can't force love...
apollonian: so true nellie, stuck in a similiar situation couple of years ago I learned a lot, most important is to be yourself and love yourself. Build your self-confidence and not worry about things you cannot control(her feelings). Find a new positve outlet for your energy you spent worrying, exercise is a great motivator once you get started.
quigley: the men here need to google mgtowred to find out what these creatures are capable of before they destroy your mind body soul and wallet
lilollady09: wow. seems like no matter how bad you think you've got it there really is someone with something far worse. I am sorry for those who are lost on what decision to make about their relationship. Me, have weathered many storms with mine, and I'm sure there will be many more to come. But I don't think the option of conversation was ever a factor in ours. We never have really sat down for more then a couple minutes and talked. About anything. Hes got his thing goen on and I've got mine. Thats how it has always been. He has many hateful and feirce words to say, and they are at many times hard to get past. But I stay with it. no matter. Many ppl I know always tell me "you always have a place to go". But I too wont leave my kids. Even if they are grown. They still live here, and we still support them. True we gripe and complain alot but it doesnt matter they are still here. They are all so spoiled they cant make it on their own now days. My fault some his mostly. LOL. Him being the size of Godzilla and me being a little troll doesn't help much him being out of state working all the time and I am here all the time doesnt help either. I just seek friends to chat with. But if you deside to throw in the towel on your relationships. I wont say anything to sway you. Marriage is very hard work.
thawalkingman: Reading through this thread I see a lot of people who feel like they are drowning in marriage.
But if you feel like you're drowning.
Your spouse feels like he or she is drowning.
Who will throw you a rope?
My point being that you can't wait for the other person to fix/save the situation. I am no expert on marriage, but I find that the less I depend on my wife for my own happiness the stronger our marriage becomes.
I think that as a culture we have some unrealistic expectations of marriage somehow 'completing' us. The fact is whether you're married or not you'll pass through times in life when you feel alone/trapped/helpless.
I don't think of myself as 'happily' married. I am married. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes not. Sometimes I feel a strong connection with my wife, sometimes I don't. But, with or without my wife I know that I can take care of my emotional needs and my own spiritual path. With or without her my life has meaning.
So maybe a lot of our dissatisfaction with our marriages comes from our expectation that marriage will lead to fulfillment.
nellie77: I guess life isn't the fairytale that we sometimes search for, no disrespect to those that like the unity of marriage, but from both sexes seems to be allot of dissatisfaction.
quigley: lets face it marriage is just another form of control. one way or another you pay for what you get. bread and circus my friends,bread and circus
Mahia25: Am not married yet but hope to marry soon. I have read most of what guys have written about their marriages and must say how sorry I am for all you out there who are hurting in this way. I cant imagine what you must be going through not knowing what to do too make things better.I pray that all of you find some peace in life. They say the little things are the one that matter the most, how about you try to think of how it was before you met, do what you enjoy.
joerug: Iv been married 31 Years. I learned marrage is work of a life time. It was fun the first couple of years then responsibity came.There were the times when I could not stand to be with her and there are times when I felt I could not live without her. We had those peroids were we did talk or relate and it felt we were only staying together for the kids. There are those times when I think I would happier with someone else. I like bicycling,go to the gym,walks and movies she does not. The things we have in common is the beach and T.V. Of course our children and Grandchildren. Yet we been together so long we often think alike. So when my eyes and mind start wondering I remember want a friend once told me: if the grass looks greener on the other side water yours.
erin_hayte: My hubby's unemployed and I work at a cheese factory. Now, whenever I come home from work and tell him about my day (which is usually really boring) he gets all irritated saying, "It's the same s**t every day!" So we now officially have nothing to talk about. He has no friends and I have two chick friends who don't like him. So when they want to hang it's usually just with me and that gets him irritated, too. As you can guess, he stays home all day watching our 10 month old son... and barely cleans. So it's like I am praticly single with a free babysitter.
We have talked about divorce, but he doesn't have a job and we only have one working car... so he's not going anywhere until he get's a job and a car... which might be a while.
So yeah, I know almost exactly what your going through. Still, I'd try to tell him how you feel and try to work it out. We did and I guess we decided splitting would be best, but there are a lot of personal reasons tied as to why, so don't feel like if you do it's bound to end in divorce.
Spiceworld: wow - I am amazed that so many other people feel the same way I do in marriage – lonely, isolated, and/or trapped. I love my husband, but we cannot communicate. Even the simplest conversation ends up in a fight. I want to fix things, but it seems that the bitterness and frustration has built up over the years and created this insurmountable barrier. I worry that it’s too little, too late.
But before I beat myself up too much, I also remember that he is not perfect either… in fact he is far from it and he has thrown away so many chances for things between us to be better …
There were two things that I read through this post that struck a chord:
1) We shouldn’t look for our spouses to make us happy, and
2) We shouldn’t expect that they will have the same interests.
On the first point, I think that I am fine. In general I am happy with life and very self sufficient. Too much so, because he feels that I am selfish and don’t think about him enough. But I don’t know how to. He sits on the computer all day. It doesn’t feel that there is anything for me to contribute … so I go and potter in the garden or read a book or whatever. And I would be cool with that if we came together at the end of the day. But instead he’ll be all bent out of shape because I was off doing my own thing??? I don’t need him to make me happy - I find myself happy just seeing that one of the plants in the garden is doing well – but it would be so great if he didn’t go out of his way to cut me down and make me unhappy… and ruin the time that we should be enjoying together.
On the second point, I find I have more trouble … it’s not that I mind getting on and doing my own thing, but he gives me such a hard time about it… then I start to realize that we actually don’t really enjoy the same things and if we’re supposed to do more together, then it becomes really obvious how little we have in common. His idea of heaven is spending the day driving interesting back roads. But I loath being in a car. My idea of heaven is hiking or pottering in the garden – but he’d rather chew his arm off. If we go away, I’d like to stay in beautiful places, he likes to find places that are a bargain. Half the reason that we are frustrated with each other is that we don’t enjoy the same things … if we’re doing something together, chances are, one of us would rather be somewhere else…
Given that, and the constant fighting and unpleasantness I sometimes wonder what is the point of staying together. In my head it could/should be so great between us, but somehow it always goes wrong. He says that I have these unrealistic expectations of him, but I don’t know how that is true since it is him who always complains about the things he doesn’t like about me and how he feels I never step up...
He says he doesn’t want a divorce… so I hope that means that deep down he does still love me. Given that I feel the same, why is it so hard to be together (nearly 7 years). I just started reading “men are from mars and women are from venus” … I hope that it helps. Right now I feel like I am hitting my head on a brick wall.
englishguyinusa: Spiceworld, can i ask you a question? if you both have nothing in common why did you marry him?
I just got out of a marriage after 6yrs, we had things in common but she was all about her and it took 6 years to figure it out so we divorced. My ex sounds a little like your husband, although i don't despise or hate her i feel sorry for her. yes i do love her but am not in love with her anymore.
On your first point, why would he get mad at you if all he does is sit on the computer? It's not your fault he just sits there and expects you to do all the giving. You are right...you don't need him to make you happy. You have a life and i am sure are pretty intelligent to make decisions without him complaining all the time!
On the second point, you deserve better. Having nothing in common is not a good thing, and from what you say you might have to think long and hard about what you really want. Is it worth being stuck in a one way relationship where you do all the giving and get nothing in return? How he always complains about you and puts you down, you deserve better as i said earlier and being miserable is not a good thing even if you think it will save your marriage or hope he comes around.
Your husband sounds like a selfish person and a marriage should be a two way thing.
Just my 2 cents worth if that helps you any. I hope it helps if not i apologise if you take it the wrong way.
Natalies_Web_Mall: I am in the same situation. I feel like when I talk to him I am talking to a wall. Everything was fine for the past 8 years and then one day everything changed out of no where. It makes no sense to me either. I hate living like this and I miss the man I married who has and is my best friend. We don't even sleep together anymore unless I initiate. He is working constantly even though he says it isn't to avoid me. He left me the day after our anniversary and then 3 months later said he made the biggest mistake of his life and he would make it up to me the rest of my life, but I still never see him because he is constantly working and when he does come home he eats, bathes, and goes to bed after working out at bootcamp. I hate living like this and I have no clue how to get through to him. He came back so why is he still acting different and why isn't he talking about anything to me. I never used to get him to stop talking to me. Again, I hate living like this and I just want my husband back the way he was. I haven't changed except for completing my MA and hurting my back, otherwise I am the same as I always have been. I don't understand why he has changed so much.
dave3974: natlie completing your ma is a great achievment , you now need to devote your energies to finding other intrests
spiritualmaster: So many people with the same problems if your not happy make yourself happy it is that easy .
Do not rely on your partner to be happy or make you happy do it yourselves .Marraige is a full time job to work on it .Spice it up get interested in each others interests .Get a makeover look good buy some sexy underwear spice the maraige up .If he is looking at porn look at it with him get kinky ,You all sound so sad be positive as positivity picks up positive vibes .Stop being so misserable .Remember why you loved these people in the first place it is a lifetime commitment go out and buy your wives some nice flowers or sexy underwear and women ,start flirting with your man become sexy to him again use your womanly charm
zerostate: do u know why it all happen? bcos all of u were shallow when decide to married someone,,,,
love, s3x are really small thing in marriage, trust me (if i wanna great s3x, i would pay prostitute than mywife bcos they never nagging, never complain, never pain in the ass etc).... love will come itself when u live with someone for long time and he/she has good attitude and behavior as wife or husband (she/he can be good wife/husband)
chayes8383: I met this fitness guy, but he's v. 4037-8400-2395-0668
married. I mean, I think he is having issues with his wife and her infidelty, but, he's balding. I know it should not matter. You know what? He's just shallow. In more ways than one. Oh, hi s