Joke for the Day. (Page 39)

harlett: .. ahahahahahahaha...ahahahahahaha.....ahahahahahaha

Big Bopper:
Slow Down

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said, "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!'

"Why not?" asked the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and it's almost the same."

"But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP."

"But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist.

The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist.

"What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise.

"Do you want me to slow down or stop?" asks the officer.

Big Bopper:
Lawyer at the Pearly Gates...http://vocaroo.com/i/s15GjB5Sx2D1

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Big Bopper: Today's joke of the day: http://vocaroo.com/i/s1ue3Y5fyu5i

Farmer picking apples

Big Bopper: Tonight's Joke of the Night: http://vocaroo.com/i/s0P8OJvVQn1A
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Cat food

One day the cashier at the grocery store had a lady come to her till with a dozen cans of cat food.

"Gee, ma'am, you must have a lot of cats!" she said in conversation.

"No, young lady, it's for my husband. He likes it on his toast."

"Gosh, I don't think it's the best food for humans," the cashier said with concern in her voice, "but that'll be $6.00 please."

The next week she met the same lady, but there was no cat food in her cart.

"Did you forget the cat food? How's your husband by the way?"

"Oh, he won't be needing cat food anymore," said the lady, "he died the other day."

"Oh! I'm so sorry. Was it the cat food?" asked the cashier sympathetically.

"No, he broke his neck trying to lick his azz!"

Big Bopper: THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!!!! and they REPRODUCE

Big Bopper:

Little Johnny and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. Little Johnny finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you ten dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

Little Johnny runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands Little Johnny the ten dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands Little Johnny another ten dollars. Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, you already gave me ten dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma. "

Big Bopper:
Important Life Lesson


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said, "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to
take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what
a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

harlett: ....

Big Bopper:
THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

Big Bopper:
Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble...

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul'."

Big Bopper:
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time"

"Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

harlett: .. ahahahaha

Big Bopper: An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all." The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Goal! 2 all."

The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not be out done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart. He strains a little too hard and craps in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides!"

Big Bopper: A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. As he reaches for it, the lid again rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please, sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so sorry, my mistake," says the waiter "I bring you Peeking Duck."

Big Bopper:
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace:

Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.

Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin' good I feel right now!

Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace. Or don't - this works so well, I don't care...

harlett: ahahahaha..i bring you peeking duck...ahahahaha

Big Bopper: So my ex-wife, looking in the mirror, says, "I look so old and fat and ugly."

"Yeah," I says, "but your eyesight is perfect!"

harlett: .....A drunk was in front of a judge The judge says,"You've been brought here for drinking."the drunk says..,"Okay,lets get started..
......
The doctor called Mrs.Cohen saying,"Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."..Mrs.Cohen said.,"so did my arthritis..

Mz Demeanor: ^^^

harlett: ....“Hey Jim!” said Jim’s friend Sam. “If you stick out your tongue I can read your personality.” Jim promptly stuck out his tongue. Sam’s reading was quick in coming, “I can tell from your tongue that you are gullible!”
...........

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there

Big Bopper: Yep! Us boys never grow up...we just get old.

harlett: ...........Serabi.........Hi,Hello,How are U...

Big Bopper:


The arrogance of authority


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there..."

As he pointed out the location, the DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land! No questions asked or answers given, have I made myself clear...do you understand ?"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...


"Your badge, show him your BADGE!"

harlett:




.. CAREFUL of WHAT YOU WISH FOR,

A man rubbed a bottle and a genie came out, “OK the genie said what’s your wish” The man said “I want all ladies to love me”, and he turned into a bar of chocolate.