Joke for the Day. (Page 38)

Serabi:

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be . . .

Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60,70 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around..

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .

Mid-life means that you become more reflective... You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worth while. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

Big Bopper: I just found this thread! I have a few good ones on a thread called Tell Us A Joke! Thanks for starting this great collection of jokes, Serabi.
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A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh NOOOO!! It's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the giblets!"

Serabi:

The New 2015 Ford


Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

Serabi:

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.

"Yes, and two very good leads!"

Mz Demeanor:

Serabi:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!".But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".

Serabi:

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their
child.

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep
the child.

So the jury asks the woman first.

She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out,
now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

Serabi:

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches
while they were there.

They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, "The men with
really big dicks and the girls with really, really big boobs were both really, really dumb."

When they got to the beach they split up.

Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.''

harlett: ahahahaha....ahahahaha...

Big Bopper: Two neighbours were chatting.
One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I dunno, but it's gotta be better than sitting around doing nothing!"

Big Bopper: A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the Trans-Canada Highway, just outside of Ottawa. No one is moving east or west.

Suddenly, a man with a bucket knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Israeli terrorists have kidnapped Prime Minister Harper and Finance Minister Oliver. They are demanding a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire! We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

Big Bopper: So a guy walks into a bar and hears these large women talking loudly at a nearby table. He gets his pint and walks over, "Hello ladies, I couldn't help but hear you talking. Is that an Irish accent you have?"

The biggest of the ladies says, a little too drunk and a little too loud, "It's Wales you freakin' idiot!"

"Oh, pardon me, my mistake. So, are you whales from Ireland?"

harlett: ahahahaha...ahahahahaha..

Geoff: A woman is cleaning her son's room when she finds an BDSM magazine under his bed. She's a little concerned and shows it to her husband.

"Well," she asks, "what should do?"

"I'm really not sure." Says the boy's father. "But, it's probably not a good idea to spank him."

harlett: .....ahahaha

Big Bopper:
On a train from London to Manchester to watch a cricket match an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied:

"Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

Geoff: An elderly priest called Father O'Donnell was walking through his parish one sunny day when he came across a little frog sitting by a pond. "Dear me," said Father O'Donnell , picking it up, "you're the saddest frog I ever did see. I only wish you could talk to me so that you might tell me your troubles."

The frog replied, "I can tell you. I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I refused to buy a sprig of heather from a malicious old gypsy and she put a terrible curse on me, turning me into a talking frog."

Father O'Donnell couldn't believe his ears. "This is amazing," he said. "Is there anything I might do to help you."

"Now you mention it, there is," replied the little frog. "The gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and care for me, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."

"Well now, let's see about that, little fellow," said Father O'Donnell . So he picked up the frog, put it in his pocket an took it home. That night he placed it gently on his pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.

"And that, mi'lud, concludes the case for the defence."

Serabi:

Confucius Say:
It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say:
Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy.

Confucius Say:
Man who mix Viagra and Brook-Lax, doesn't know if he's coming or going.

Confucius Say:
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say:
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.

Confucius Say:
Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say:
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say:
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it

Serabi:

Snow Ploughing in Dublin……

On a bitterly cold Winter Morning an Irish Husband and Wife in Dublin were listening to the Radio during Breakfast. They heard the Announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of Snow today. You must park Your Car on the even-numbered side of the Street, so the Snow ploughs can get through. " So the good Wife went out and moved Her Car.

A week later while they are eating Breakfast again, the Radio Announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of Snow today. You must park Your Car on the odd-numbered side of the Street, so the Snow Ploughs can get through. "

The good Wife went out and moved Her Car again.

The next week they are again having Breakfast, when the Radio Announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of Snow today. You must park..........." Then the Electric Power went out.

The Good Wife was very upset, and with a worried look on Her Face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the Street do I need to Park on so the Snow Ploughs can get through?"

Then with the Love and Understanding in his Voice that all Men who are Married to Blondes exhibit, the Husband replied,


"Why don't You just leave the Bloody Car in the Garage this time."

Serabi:

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied
'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a
beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO,
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............



NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN !!!

Big Bopper:
*Hollers into Wireclub microphone: "Woooooo! Wooooooo! Wooooooooo!"*

A visitor to a mental hospital asked the Director what criterion they used to determine whether or not a person should be institutionalised.

"Ah", said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub with water and give to the patient a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket. We then ask them to empty the bath."

"I see", said the visitor, "A normal person would select the bucket."

"No", said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed by the window?"

Big Bopper: Why did the squirrel swim on his back?

To keep his nuts dry!!

harlett: ...

Big Bopper: Jail Mail

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back:

"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Big Bopper: Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the Pharmacist, he insulted me this morning, I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the Pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side, this morning the alarm failed to go off, I was late getting up, went without breakfast, hurried out to the car, realize I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside, had to break a window to get my keys."

"Driving a little too fast, received a speeding ticket, then when I was three blocks from the store, had a flat tire."

"When finally arriving at the store, numerous people were waiting for me, opened the store, started waiting on customers, all that time, phone was constantly ringing."

"Had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, they spilled all over the floor, got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with perfume bottles on it, half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing. I finally got back to answer it, it was your wife, she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."