Joke for the Day. (Page 37) Geoff: That was fairly politically correct. If we're pushing boundaries: Q. What do the Metropolitan police play at parties? A. Pin the rape on the darkie. //Edit - I must point out the dark sarcasm dripping from this, before someone complains. Yes, it is wrong - that is the point. (Edited by Geoff)  davidk14: . The terrorists parents tied a pork chop around his neck so the dog would play with him.  . (Post deleted by Geoff )  Mz Demeanor: another dog joke.... Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?" Mz Demeanor: The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day. As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead. The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ." Mz Demeanor: A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."  Serabi: An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise." Geoff: Three engineers are debating the merits of their chosen specialities. The structural engineer states that, "Look at the human skeletal structure. It's a masterpiece of strong-yet-light design; God must have been a structural engineer." The mechanical engineer disagrees and says, "But look at the system of muscles and sinews; God must have been a mechanical engineer." The third one shakes his head. "God must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste water pipe through a recreation ground and then site it next to an open sewer?" Geoff: Glossary of Engineering Terminology "That's interesting" = I've never seen anything remotely like that before "We'll just run diagnostics" = I wonder if that will give us a clue "OK, that's good" = what the hell was that noise? "We've noticed some failure evidence" = something's burning "A number of different approaches are being tried" = we are still pissing in the wind "Major technological breakthrough" = it works OK, but looks very hi-tech "All new" = parts not interchangeable with the previous design "Rugged" = too damn heavy to lift "lightweight" = lighter than rugged. "energy saving" = achieved when the power switch is off "low maintenance" = impossible to fix if broken "An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem" = We just took on three new university graduates "Close project co-ordination" = We know who to blame. "Customer satisfaction is assured" = We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered at all "Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive" = It blew up when we turned it on "Test results were extremely gratifying" = We were amazed to find it works "The entire concept will have to be abandoned" = The only person who understood the thing has left "We will look into it" = Forget it! We have enough problems for now. " Please note and initial" = Let's spread the responsibility for the mess "Give us the benefit of your thinking" = We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done. "See me, or let's discuss" = Come into my office, I'm lonely "Years of development" = One finally worked.  Wild__: What do men and linoleum have in common? If laid right the first time they can be walked on for twenty years. Mz Demeanor: And for those on a phone or who can't watch a video at this time, here's the similar joke. A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream." Geoff: Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a football match in London At the station, the three Mancs each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scousers buy just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Mancs. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Scousers. They all board the train. The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Mancs are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip...To their astonishment, the Scousers don't buy a ticket at all !! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Mancunian. "Watch and learn..." says one Scouser. When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet and soon after the three Scousers pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..." Geoff: There are 2 trees in the forest a Beech tree and a Birch tree. One day a little tree starts growing between them. The Beech tree looks down and says "That looks like a mighty strong little tree. It must be a son of a Beech." The Birch tree says "No, it's a son of a Birch." Well that started the argument. They just couldn't tell if it was a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch. Then one day a woodpecker flies by and the trees asked for his help, "Can you fly down and see if that strong little tree is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?" The woodpecker agrees to find out for them. When he returns the both ask, "So, What is it, a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?" "Neither," says the woodpecker, "But it was the nicest piece of ash I ever stuck my pecker in." Geoff: I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it. Now I ride on escalators all the time. Geoff: A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting our bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. At this point, several of the children giggle. "I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At hearing the pilot go on, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts." Serabi: A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law." ,_ | Off Topic Chat Room Similar Conversations |
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